I Like You... Charlie Kelly

I resisted watching "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" for years, because I had a small group of friends who were adamant about the show and would consistently demand that I watch it with the same maniacal intensity that they do. Well, if you know anything about me (and you don't) then you'd be well aware that I never do anything that people tell me I have to do. Especially when it comes to movies, books, television shows or any other piece of the pop culture puzzle, because I love finding things on my own and throwing myself into them without care or concern for my well being (which is how I got through the entire series of "The Sopranos" in less than 2 weeks). I absorb what I'm doing better that way, because I'm doing it on my own terms, damn it. But, this time, my friends were right and now I'm addicted to "The Gang" and especially the "wildcard" of the bunch, Charlie Kelly.

Another triumphant moment in the life of Charlie Kelly.

"It's Always Sunny..." is such a rare, rare show. On one hand you have a small group of people running around Philadelphia getting into zany situations with hilarious results; which is standard sitcom fare that has been in place for decades; but, on the other hand you have some pretty over the top gross out comedy, slapstick, meta-comedy, the occasional musical number and a main cast of characters that, despite being complete dicks, you actually like. However; if the show consisted of every single character except Charlie Kelly (played brilliantly by Charlie Day) this wouldn't be the case. Charlie is such a lovable, funny and honest character (even though, at times, he can be just as big of a dick as the rest of the gang) that he brings a much needed sense of pause to a show that can sometimes wander too far into f_cked up territory. It's almost as if every line of dialogue that comes out of Charlie's mouth, even the most retarded statements about made up things like bird law, are there to remind us that the entire gang, not just Charlie, are acting like a bunch of innocent children who have no idea that what they're doing might be construed as wrong, disturbing and crazy by the general public.

The best example of this I can think of is the season 4 episode "Who Pooped The Bed." The title itself is cause enough to be taken aback, but, as usual, it's the meat and bones of it all that makes it much more than your standard issue poo-based comedy, because when 2 full grown men share a pull out mattress every night and one morning they wake up to find, snuggled neatly between them, a full grown turd, it's not about how gross it is, or how sick, it's about who did it, and thus begins a journey into a fecal focused whodunnit episode that, if done by any other show, would rely solely on the fact that they could now get away with making as many sh_tty poop jokes as possible (like that one I just made... it just keeps coming... see, it's too easy). Sure, there are plenty of wacky moments, but if it wasn't for the sheer joy that Charlie expresses as the "crime" is slowly unraveled, or the bouts of rage he displays when the finger is pointed in his direction, it would be blatantly unwatchable even by my low, low standards. During a pivotal moment when Dennis, Mac, Charlie and Frank take the turd in question to a medical laboratory to have it tested they find chunks of a credit card (ruled to be inconclusive evidence) and much, much more that a human should never eat, but because Charlie is involved it's not out of the question. It reminds of the time my 8 year old nephew ate a plastic apple when he was 4, because, like Charlie, he didn't know any better and, at the time, he didn't care. When I, the always cool, down to earth uncle asked my nephew why he kept eating after he realized the apple was fake my nephew said, "I wanted to see if I could," and that's exactly how I would expect Charlie Kelly to answer the same question.

Pictured Above: Happiness.

The Gang, as is true with most groups of friends, operates in a sort of make-shift hierarchy. Mac is the brains of the operation and Dennis is the looks. Frank is the muscle and Sweet Dee is the useless girl who does nothing (their words, not mine); which leaves Charlie as the wild card, the guy who sits there looking like he's capable of doing something crazy at the drop of a hat (like cutting the brakes on a van full of a garbage cans full of gasoline, just because), and even though most people would be offended by the suggestion that they are the crazy one, Charlie fully embraces his responsibility to be "that guy." Why? Because, why not? That's why. When you're the wild card you live by your own set of rules. You get to dress up in all sorts of intricate costumes and adopt whatever accent you want, because it's expected that you, the wild card, act unexpectedly, and when Charlie is at his most insane/goofy/lovable he is at his best. Take, for example, the recurring and awesome presence that is Greenman. Oh, sweet, sweet Greenman. Evidently, according to the show's mythology, Charlie would show up at high school football games wearing nothing but a skin tight, bright green spandex suit and a pair of black sneakers... hell, I'll just show you because it's easier that way.

My Hero.

You and I both know that there is always 1 friend in your group that is damaged just enough to wear something like the Greenman suit (unfortunately my group of friends think that I am crazy enough to wear it, and they have been trying to convince me to be Greenman for Halloween this year... not happening, fellas), and that friend can only properly be described as your wild card. He's a necessary element in every group dynamic, because while the majority of your friends represent the order in the world and display crisp logic and make good decisions on a regular basis, the wild card represents the chaos in the world and the utter joy that accompanies just letting go and doing what you want no matter whose looking; which is why we love them fiercely and go to great lengths to protect them should they come under fire from outsiders. And this is true of The Gang. Sure, they may sit around and rip on Charlie for being borderline illiterate, un-hygienic and a little slow, but if anyone outside of the inner circle says anything derogatory about their wild card, the outsider better get ready to be hammered upon the angry fists of the entire gang (especially Franky Fast Hands). It's not that Charlie needs the protection, because it's been shown that the man can take a wicked beating and keep on ticking, but it's out of a deeply rooted sense of loyalty shared amongst all groups of close friends.

I miss the days when my buddies and I would drink too much and get into trouble, and I miss being the guy they could count on to come up with some crazy scheme that would ultimately make things worse for everyone involved, but would be more fun than should be allowed by law. There was a time when my small crew of close knit friends and I were stumbling back from a bar (we had walked a couple miles at this point) when my friend Mike noticed a new "For Sale" sign in front of a house on our street and all of us immediately took offense at this. We found it personally insulting that someone so close to our home base would dare to want to leave, so we did the only logical thing we could think of at the time. Under the cover of darkness we crept around the sign, my friends forming a wall, blocking me from the view of any witnesses that might be driving by, and with all my might I ripped the sign out of the ground and, using the last reserves of my drunk muscles, I sprinted back to our place with the sign over my shoulder. I woke up the next morning halfway between my bed and the door to my room, because in my alcohol induced mania from the night before I decided that the sign deserved the bed and I deserved the floor. Those were the days, and thanks to "It's Always Sunny..." I get to vicariously live out those crazy days and nights every Thursday, and, as always, Charlie Kelly is the reason I tune in.

I should take the time to let you guys know that I could've written this post about any member of the cast of "It's Always Sunny...," because they are all incredibly funny, talented people who know how to make me laugh. I could've written about Frank (played by Danny Devito in an inspired, genius like casting move) and how all he needs to do is move slightly or make a face and I'll be on the floor. I could've written about Mac and his inflated ego and his ability to be cluelessly self-aware at all times and how much that reminds me of a dozen people I've known in my life. I could have gone on and on about Dennis being the quickest wit of the bunch. I could have written about Sweet Dee being the funniest female on television right now; which she is, by the way. But, in the end I've got a soft spot for that furry little bastard Charlie and every second he is on screen seems to be better than the next. So, without further adieu, I hereby announce the induction of Charlie Kelly to the "I Like You..." hall of fame.

Congratulations, Greenman.

Sometimes You Need To Be Sad To Be Happy

Sometimes, when I'm not paying attention, I catch myself actually feeling empathy towards someone. Usually these moments occur when I've imbibed the right combination of beer, wine, liquor and Trivial Pursuit, but the other day as my girlfriend and I were in the check-out line of our local super market I found myself nearly brought to tears over the plight of an elderly gentleman ahead of us. At first glance he reminded me of my father; which is to say he seemed stately, authoritative and ready to kick my ass, but that's only because I didn't look close enough. After 30 seconds of watching this man fumble with the self swipe credit card machine I noticed his beige cardigan was pock marked with random holes, his navy blue pants were spattered with the occasional stain, and his black dress shoes, oddly, were dazzlingly clean (a remnant from his days in the armed services, I suppose). I felt my heart sink, because I've seen it all before, and it was one of those rare moments in your life when you learn a lesson long after it was supposed to have been learned.

I remember very clearly, to this day, the instant I learned when my Grandma Lucy passed away. I was walking out of school, heading towards my father's car and before I could get in he said "Go back up and get your sport coat, your grandmother died and you'll need it for the funeral and the wake." (Yes, my Dad had no idea how to sugar coat anything and he still doesn't) I was only 14 at the time and my initial reaction fit my age, I flipped the f_ck out. I wasn't sad or hysterical. I was pissed. I was more angry than I'd ever been or would be, and I swear to God, I literally saw red. So, when I turned around to run back inside and get my jacket and a friend of mine said "what's going on, Jim?" I did the only thing I could do. I shoved him into his locker, breaking the door off it's hinges and stomped down the hall towards my locker. I didn't hear the principal yelling my name and I wouldn't find out I was in trouble until a few days later when I got back to school. Luckily, the principal had a heart and let me off the hook considering the events that led up to my transgression. That horrible, horrible feeling of unbridled anger sticks with me to this very day, and it's something I've tried very hard to control, because it made the sadness of the moment that much harder to deal with. The following three days are a blur of sobs, back pats and psalms; which is fine, I'm glad my brain has decided to take those memories out of rotation, because I don't need to remember the minutiae, just the overall feeling of anger that overcame for months, if not years. I didn't know who to blame and I didn't know what was going on, but, unfortunately, I put a lot of effort into laying the blame squarely on the shoulders of my Grandpa Sam, the man whose life was just torn apart because his bride of 60 years had passed away in his arms.

Looking back at it now, through the rose colored glasses of hindsight, I knew it was nobodies fault, and that my Grandma Lucy had been sick for years, and had been in and out of the hospital for months, but I was young and my Grandma was my rock. No matter how sick she was she always put on a brave face for me when I went to visit, and when she was feeling better she cooked my favorite meal (chicken cutlets, mashed potatoes, peas, if you're wondering) and the two of us would fall asleep in our lounge chairs watching Nickelodeon together. Still, at the age, you're always looking for someone to blame for the things that happen, because, as a wise man once said "you're too young to know life sucks." So, unfortunately for my Grandpa Sam, he was the target of all my anger.

3 weeks after the funeral was the annual CYO basketball tournament my team hosted. It was a 3 day endurance test. Sometimes we would play 4 games in a day and have to get up and play 4 more the next day, but that's how it was and I loved it. It was a distraction and it was basketball; which, at the time, was my life. The second day of the tournament, in the middle of the third game of the day, I was in the middle of warming up with my team when I saw my Grandpa Sam shamble into the gym on the arm my mother's arm. He was dressed impeccably, as always in his wool pants, white dress shirt and perfectly shined black dress shoes. He even had a little skip to his step that, when I think about it now, was how he always seemed to get around (hence the nickname "Skippy," that I never understood), and my reaction to his presence was disgusting. I looked at my mother who was smiling proudly, clinging to her father's arm and I mouthed the words "what is he doing here" and "I want him to leave." She ignored me, because she was a great mother who knew me better than I'll ever know myself, and she continued to lead my Grandpa Sam to their seats. I felt my face flush red and with every lay up during my warm ups I slapped the back board a little bit harder, with every pass I tried to hurt the teammate I was passing it to, and it wasn't even game time. My best friend at the time said to me, "you're going to kill someone if you don't calm down," to which I replied, "good, stay out of my way." When the warning bell rang that told us it was time to get to our benches before the game started I looked over my shoulder and sneered at my Grandpa Sam, and he looked right through me like I wasn't there, like he didn't know who I was, so I turned all the way around and made sure he saw me, but I got the same reaction; which made me even more pissed off. Then the game started.

I played like I wanted blood and by the end of the second quarter I got it. I leveled the opposing teams center with an elbow to the mouth that split both of his lips wide open, and because it was in the heat of an aggressive attempt at grabbing a rebound I got away with it. I swaggered away like a boxer who absolutely knows he just knocked the other guy out, and when I looked over at my mother and saw her face turn pale white I knew I did what I wanted to do. It got worse from there. I was, for the most part, smart and I knew how to get away with playing dirty (which, for the record, I hated doing, but, hey, you do what you can to win), so I spent the rest of the game taking shots at the other teams players, making sure they just stayed the f_ck out of my way, and with every elbow and trip I looked up to the stands to make sure my Grandpa knew it was his fault, but I never got a reaction. By the time the game ended I was bruised, but the other team was bloody and my teammates wanted nothing to do with me for the first time I can remember, but I didn't really care. I walked over to my Grandpa and my mother and said, "well, what do you think? How'd I do?" My mother, ever the supportive, doting mom, said "why were you playing like an animal out there? What's wrong with you?" With that I smiled and looked at my Grandpa Sam, he looked straight through me again and said, "Hi, David."

I lost it. I burst into tears in front of the same crowd of people who had just seen me go berserk on the opposing team. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how, in just about 3 weeks time, my Grandpa Sam had slipped so far into the grips of dementia, but as my mother would later explain, he was struggling for a while and taking care of my Grandma Lucy was the only thing keeping him hanging on to reality, and when she died, his mind went into the grave with her.

It was another year before I saw my Grandpa Sam again, now living in a home that could actually take care of him, and we were all at Easter dinner at my Sister's home with her and her new husband. I went through the day doing my best to avoid him, because I couldn't handle the f_cked up reality that was thrown in my lap a year before then and I was still riddled with guilt over the whole thing. As soon as dinner was over I grabbed a golf club, some practice wiffle balls and headed into the backyard to distance myself. I was out there for a while, maybe hours, by myself bashing wiffle balls into the trees and I didn't even notice that my Grandpa Sam had wandered out of the house into the backyard and was watching me. I looked over at him and smiled, he smiled back and said, "What's so hard about that?" I rolled my eyes and laughed and said, "well, why don't you try it" and handed him the golf club. He walked over to one of the wiffle balls, took a practice swing (more of a lurch and push, really) then addressed the ball and pounded one, straight as an arrow right next to wear the rest of mine were landing. He looked at me again, this time smirking and said, "Jimmy, if I can do this, anyone can do this, so what's so hard about it?" I gave him a high five and started laughing. I turned and saw my entire family crying tears of joy behind us and I gave them a thumbs up. Grandpa Sam and I stayed out there a few minutes more, hitting a wiffle ball every couple of minutes, but the sun started to set and it got cold and Grandpa needed to get back to the home.

Before he left I said "that was a great time, Grandpa," and he looked me in the eyes and said, "Hi, David, how are you?" I didn't cry that time. I just let it go and smiled and laughed and I didn't figure out until I saw the elderly man in front of me in line at the grocery store struggle with his credit card, that sometimes, you have to let yourself be sad so you can be happy, because you can't control the world or the tragedies it dishes out, and when you repress any kind of emotion it ends up being used in the worst way possible. I don't know if this makes sense, but it feels good to get off my chest, and any excuse I have to remember my Grandpa Sam is a good one.

The Devil and Jimbolaya

As I've mentioned many times throughout the storied history of this incredibly influential web log, the writing staff and I like to give everyone and everything the benefit of the doubt, and why not? It's the theory the American legal system was founded upon, after all, and if it's good enough for 2nd Appellate Court Justice Mark Hammerstein, then it is definitely good enough for "Where the Wild Things Were Last Thursday Around 8." Hey, we're busy over here, but we're not so busy that we ignore other people's points of view for the sake of making an easy joke.

The "WTWTWLTA8" Corporate Headquarters on a busy day.

That said, I was taken aback when I received a lewd phone call alerting me to a great oversight in one of my most recent posts. I can't repeat most of the words the caller used, because this is a family friendly blog (and he/she was audibly drunk and slurring their words so bad they sounded as if they were speaking in tongues), but what I am able to transcribe for you, my dear reader, I will do so below.

Transcription of message left on Jimbolaya's cell phone (10/8/09 1:07 AM):
"Listen this is *inaudible* and I'm sick and tired of that prick God getting all the *inappropriate language* credit for *inappropriate language* everything and anything you stupid mother *inappropriate language* humans can mother *inappropriate language* *inappropriate language* think of! When will the devil get his due..."
At this point it trails off into unintelligible , Lovecraftian like ramblings that I didn't even bother listening to more than 5 times.

C'thulu called... Jimbolaya let it go to voice mail.

I should have known from the caller ID (616-616-6616) that the unidentified voice was, in fact the Morning Star himself, drunk on Bacardi 151 (his liquor of choice, evidently) and plenty ticked off because I never even tried to get in touch with him when I was seeking out a deity to interview regarding the H1N1 hysteria that was sweeping over the entire globe not that long ago. Of course, I didn't know any of this until the following day when I got an e-mail from Azazel (his administrative assistant) explaining that Lucifer was upset, and he drank too much and shouldn't have left such an ugly message on my voice mail and oh, by the way would I like to meet for a drink and a quick chat sometime soon. Obviously you don't turn down a drink with the Devil unless you have tickets to a Streisand concert, and since my schedule is annoyingly clear I decided to take The Lord of the Flies up on his offer and suggested we meet for a few pints at one of my favorite bars, Lux Lounge (conveniently located at 666 South Ave, Rochester, NY, stop in some time and say hello to Phyllis, Kevin, Kim, Kerry and the rest of the Lux crew, just don't mention my name or you'll get heavily overcharged).

I had a longstanding relationship with God before I interviewed him (shoot, the two of us spent a month in Tahiti one weekend when we drank too much Grappa) so, I sort of knew what to expect from Yahweh, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into with the Lord of the Underworld. As a matter of fact, as I was walking to Lux I got incredibly nervous and wondered if I had set myself up for something terrible, but then I remembered there was free booze involved (I mean, the Devil has to pick up the tab, right?), and my temptations overcame my hesitations as I picked up the pace to make sure I was the first one there (it's polite to show up first when you invite someone out, otherwise always show up no less than ten minutes late and no more than four days past the agreed upon time).

As I walked through the bar's door, into the dimly lit interior a very muscular, very neckless man in his mid to late 40's asked for my identification and I happily showed him my driver's license at which point he scowled and nodded his head in the general direction of the bar before returning his attention to the doorway. I scanned the room for signs of movement and the only person other than myself drinking at such an hour was a heavyset older gentlemen quietly whistling the theme song to "Friends" while he drank what appeared to be a boot full of whiskey, I nodded in approval and took an empty seat at the other end of the bar, and when the bartender (a man named Kevin, a dread locked fellow with a humble demeanor and constant aroma of... well... Rasta) asked me what I would like, I ordered a double Jack Daniels and Coke.

Moments later I was startled to feel a cold hand patting me on the back. When I turned to see who it was (part of me already knew) I was surprised to see a young-ish man with blond hair, wearing a neatly pressed suit and tie, his steel blue eyes staring back at me, "You must be... what do I call you?" I asked, and the young-ish man with the blond hair and steel blue eyes replied, "oh, what's in a name? Call me Lou for all I care." He snapped his fingers and a small sonic boom ripped through the bar and, just like that, time stood still, everything came to a stop and the devil was laughing his ass off.

"I always do that the first time I meet somebody, it really freaks them out," he said before snapping his fingers again to unfreeze time. I rolled my eyes and sipped my drink and decided I would let Lou do most of the talking, because, hey, why get into a battle of wits with the devil if you don't have to, right? "So, Jimbo, I can see you're not a man who likes to talk turkey, so I'm just going to cut to the gravy and get it all out in the open right here and now, so we can enjoy the time we are going to spend together, okay?" I nodded, because, what else could I do? "Great," he continued at a dizzying speed, "I'm not upset you spoke with my old friend Yahweh, because, hey he's a great guy, right? A little stubborn at times, but great nonetheless, anyway, it's not that I'm mad, I'm far from mad, but my feelings are a little hurt because you didn't even think to interview me, did you? No, of course not, no one wants to hear from the second most powerful entity in the known universe. No. Everybody wants to know what God thinks. Everybody. It gets annoying, Jimbo, it really does, so I'm here to tell you we're going to do a little interview to make up for that indiscretion, to let everybody know that I, the one and only king of evil, am still around and relevant, you dig?" I dug.

Jimbolaya - "It's not often I'm forced to do an interview, let alone an interview with Lucifer, The Bringer of Light, or, as my readers may know him, The Devil."
Lucifer - "Well, it's not often that I'm compelled to give such an interview, young man. So, count yourself among the few and the proud who can honestly tell the world they met with the Devil and lived to tell the tale."
J- "So, you're not planning on killing me?"
L - (laughs) "Of course not! Of course not! I don't do that sort of thing anymore."
J - "Let's start here then: What sort of things do you do nowadays?"
L - "Well, I am not as busy up here as I used to be, obviously. I mean, in the beginning I really had to try hard to get people to sin, but now? Yeesh, they do it on their own just fine without my interference, so my days are largely made up of paper work and the distribution of eternal torture to the damned souls that manage to find themselves swimming in the lake of fire when the sweet embrace of death carries them into the unknown; which, by the way, is most of you. (laughs) I mean, it's great for me, but you monkeys really don't know any better, huh?"
J - "No, we really don't, but, can't you chock that up to your influence being a prevalent factor in the development of human kind from the very beginning? I know God has stated that The Garden of Eden tale of Adam and Eve is just a 'bedtime story,' but your ability to tempt and be tempting and the so called fruits that are born out of acting on those temptations must be a deeply ingrained piece of our genetic make up, right?"
L - "Not genetic, no, because when you get down to it you guys up here are just a bunch of hairless apes with better brains than the rest of the animal world, but would I go so far as to say it's been interwoven, carefully, over thousands of years into the social structure and spiritual structure of the entirety of mankind? Yes, because that's what I do."
J - "That's a very existentialist way of putting it, because what you're saying, if I may be so bold as to interpret your words, is that man is born as a blank slate; which is contrary to a lot of popular Judeo-Christian belief systems which believe that man is born with a destiny already in place, and, at the very least a 'human essence' is part of their make-up and their destiny."
L - "I have no idea what you just said, but, sure we'll go with that."
J - "Yeah, I'm actually not sure what I just said, I've been reading Sartre lately and it must be getting to me."
L - "Reading J.P, huh? Yeah, he's alright, I've never put much stock into philosophy, because it's usually dead wrong when you put it under a microscope."
J - "Then why don't you tell me what is right?"
L - "Jesus, you humans are all the same. You never relax! You always want to know answers to questions you could never possibly comprehend, and none of you, not a single one, has ever stopped to wonder if, just maybe, you're not supposed to know everything there is to know. That's kind of the entire point of the Adam and Eve story."
J - "I thought the point was not to piss off God by breaking his rules."
L - "No, monkey, listen, you're all idiots who can't seem to wrap your heads around the idea of living blissfully ignorant. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't try to figure out important things, like cures for diseases and things like that, but, man, leave the big questions like "why are we here," and "what's the purpose of life" up to guys like God and I."
J - "But, don't you think we have a right to know?
L - "Nope, you don't, so just stop thinking about it, because what happens if one of you apes actually figures it out? What will you all do then? You'll all start to freak out and start searching for another impossible to answer question, because that's how you guys are. Too inquisitive for your own good."
J - "Have you been given a bad rap over the years?"
L - "Eh, to be honest, no. I mean, I did try to overthrow the kingdom of heaven and claim the thrown as my own, so in that respect, no I've been given the reputation I should have been given. You don't try to usurp God without making a bad name for yourself, know what I mean?"
J - "As the Devil, it's assumed you are responsible for most of the evil in the world. What was the last terrible thing you are personally responsible for?"
L - "Personally responsible for? The bubonic plague, that was all me, but I did it as a favor to God. I mean, the world was a cesspool back then and it took the plague to make people realize they needed to, you know, clean up their act, so to speak. God didn't want to flood the place a second time, because it took forever to get things back to where they were after that, so he came to me and I said 'why not a disease of some sort?' And the rest is history."
J - "I would've thought the Holocaust was all you, or 9/11 or something much more recent than the plague."
L - "Phhhhh... I'm always getting credited for those things, but no, I had literally nothing to do with it. Like I said, you monkeys have been doing a great job messing things up on your own without my help. I just lay back and watch it happen and collect the souls as they come. I'm really a hands-off lord of the underworld these days."
J - "But, you have to know Hitler, right? I mean, a guy like that has to be in Hell."
L - "Oh, sure. Adolph is currently being raped by the most handsome Jewish man in all of Hell in front of a TV set that only plays "Caddyshack Two", and he will be in that position for all of eternity, but let me tell you a secret: Even I think Hitler is a gigantic prick, and if I could think of a better way to torture his immortal soul, I would."
J - "Are there any people in Hell that shouldn't be?"
L - "No, God and I have a system in place that prevents any accidents like that. It wouldn't be fair if good people went to hell and it definitely wouldn't be fair if bad people went to heaven. We figured that one out on the first day."
J - "Yankees or Red Sox?"
L - "Neither, I'm a Mets fan."
J - "I knew it!"
L - "Then why did you ask?"
J - "Because it's my interview and I wanted my readers to know that you, Lucifer, are a supporter of the New York Metropolitan's professional baseball organization."
L - (Laughs)
J - "Before, you mentioned that you are still relevant, could you explain that to me if you haven't personally been involved in any of the monstrosities that have occurred since the time of the plague?"
L - "I serve as the creative coordinator and talent scout/liaison for Fox News."
J - "You've got to be kidding, right? Is that some sort of twisted, sick, f_cked up joke?"
L - (Laughs) "Of course it is! Do you think I would have anything to do with those nut jobs? Hell no! But, yes I am still very relevant, because I still play a large part in almost every Christian religion around the world. I'm more like Kaiser Sose now, because I've become this legendary beast with a million backs that can coerce people into doing my bidding; which is all bull sh_t, because for the most part people are going to do whatever they want no matter what anyone tells them, but if they do something bad and say they did it because of me, then I'm still relevant, but the same is true of the alternative. If someone does something good and says they did it out of fear of me, then there you go, relevance."
J - "Alright, is this enough for you? Do you want me to ask you anything else or can we just start drinking and get on with our lives?"
L - "Yeah, this is fine, I think I've made a few good points and more than few terrible ones, so this should, at the very least, confuse the f_ck out of anyone who reads it."
J - "Fair enough. Thanks for contacting me and taking the time to demand I interview you, it's been a nightmarish experience that I'll always remember."
L - (Laughs) "Well, that's why I'm here."

The interview, though brief and somehow long winded, was only the starting point of the evening. Lucifer and I shared a few more drinks before we parted ways, and in that small amount of time I came to realize that Satan isn't a really bad guy, because he is just doing his job, but unfortunately that job is to be the dark to God's light and the evil to God's, uhm, not evil. All in all it was a great experience that I never hope to relive, because let's face it, I drank with the devil under the pale bar light and lived to tell the tale, why would I want to press my luck and do it again?

TV Has Taught Me Evertyhing I Know

I've been sitting on this post for a while now, because I wanted to take the time to think about it, because it means more to me than any of my previous entries. Why? Because I love TV. I honestly and truly love television shows almost as much as I love some of my cousins (they just don't get me, man), and I'm not sure why, because I don't think about it. I just throw myself into a TV show and let the writers, actors, producers and networks do the rest. It's not that I'm lazy or have a lack of imagination that demands everything be shown to me, and it's not because I hate reading like so many other members of my generation seem to. I love reading. I love being creative and I love taking my dog for a good walk when I get home from a long day of pretending to work, but nothing makes the day more worth it than knowing I can escape into a different world for 22 or 43 minutes at a time (unless it's HBO/Showtime, in which case 28-60 minutes is appropriate).

I don't discriminate in my programming tastes. I'll watch anything from "Dr. Who" to NOVA specials on PBS, from "Monty Python" to "The Soup," it doesn't matter as long as it isn't "American Idol," or "The Real Housewives of Atlanta." The most important lessons I've learned in life, aside from ones that actually take place in the real world (not the TV show), have come from various TV Shows I've watched over the years. I have an urge to pass along the most important items to you, my dear reader, with the hope that what I've learned will resonate with you and help to change your life for the better, so without further adieu, I present to you: "Jimbolaya's Guide to Life, As Learned From T.V." A TV Guide to Life, if you will.

1- "Never go with a hippie to a second location." - Jack Donaghy/Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock. Have truer words ever been spoken? How many times have you found yourself enjoying a conversation with a hippie? Probably often, they are enjoyable people and their perspective on life is often times hilariously innocent and optimistic(not to mention they are really easy to f_ck with). Oh, you and your new hippie friend probably had a grand old time talking about philosophy and patchouli or whatever the f_ck hippies talk about, and then it all comes crashing down the instant you move to a second location. Say you were talking at a coffee shop or a bar and your hippie buddy asks if you want to move to another coffee shop or bar (depending where you started, it's the natural chain of hippie events: bar to coffee shop/coffee shop to bar, they don't care as long as they can sit down and hold something). Suddenly you find that your new "friend" is a complete idiot with a trust fund/inheritance from a dead aunt, and no sense of reality. Those "interesting" points he/she made earlier are not at all interesting any more, because in the harsh light of reality they just don't hold up. Besides, if you're talking to a guy who spent 6 months of the past year traveling around the country watching Phish and Phish cover bands, you have to start wondering when he/she is going to ask for money or a spot on your couch. That's how they work, they charm you with their dreadlocks and their carefree, whatever happens, happens attitude, but when it comes down to it they're still the same group of people who use peace and love as an excuse not to work.

2 - "To Alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." Homer Simpson/Dan Castellaneta, The Simpsons. I expect "The Simpsons" will play a large part in this guide, because I am part of Generation Homer. The lucky horde of 20-somethings that have seen every episode of "The Simpsons" since they were barely in grade school when it started airing 20-something years ago and, in doing so, have gained valuable knowledge about life, the universe and everything. That said, Homer hit this one right on the nose when he proudly proclaimed that alcohol is the cause and solution to all of life's problems, because it most certainly is. How many times have you argued with your best friend after one too many only to make up with him/her over one too many a few days later? It happens more often than you realize, but when it comes down to it, the wonderful side effect of imbibing alcoholic beverages is the be all and end all of coping mechanisms (and it's organic... sort of). No other substance on Earth manages to subdue your inhibitions quite like alchol; which is a double edged sword. You can say something nice to the girl you've never had the courage to say something nice to before, or you can say something nasty to your boss at the Christmas party because you took two shots of liquid courage in the break room with the IT guys (they know how to party). It works both ways and should be respected (possibly deified) for all the good it does and all the pain it causes, because there is nothing else like it in the world.

3- "Live together, or die alone." - Jack Shepherd/Matthew Fox, Lost - I am now, unfortunately, one of the millions of people in the world that is uncontrollably addicted to "Lost," but, aside from the mind blowing mysteries of the island and all the plot lines that twist in and out of the show and the loose ends that better get tidied up by this time next fall, "Lost" is truly a show about the good that comes of people working together for a common goal. Jack (my least favorite character on the show, by the way) sums it up beautifully in season 1 when he rallies the troops with what will soon become the Lostie motto. In one terrific sentence, Jack wraps up the most overlooked aspect of the human condition; which is our ability to be so selfish that we forget we need other people to live happily, and in doing so helped prompt a group of strangers who had no reason to trust each other to start working as a unit to make sure they had enough food, water and shelter to live on (what seemed to be) an undiscovered island with a monster on it. It's motivational without being overly dramatic and sentimental, and if you're ever in a situation where you're not sure what to do with yourself, just think "live together, die alone," and go find someone to help out. Trust me, it works.

4- "Even a broken clock is right twice a day." - Tony Soprano/James Gandolfini, The Sopranos. I know, I know, it's an old saying that has been around forever and I probably heard my grandma or grandpa say it once or twice, but who listens to their grandparents? When Tony Soprano speaks you and I have no choice but to stop what we're doing and pay attention (because he might have you clipped), and when Tony decides to pop off a piece of Jersey Shore wisdom like the line up above, you and I have no choice but to take it to heart (because, and this is important, he might murder you). When Tony says "even a broken clock is right twice a day" it's an insult directed at his retarded, camel nosed nephew Christopher, but when you stop and think about it, it's a great piece of advice and a helpful reminder that even the most "broken clocks" (meaning stupid people) among us are right from every once in a while. So, the next time the secretary at work with an annoying voice and a hair cut from last century is trying to make a point about the way you file your TPS reports, pay attention, she might be right.

5- "Oh, she thinks I'm too critical. That's another fault of hers." - Lucille Bluth/Jessica Walters, Arrested Development. Thank God for Lucille Bluth. I mean that, right now, if you are reading this say a prayer in thanks for Lucille, because there has never been a character like her on TV, and there never will be again. It's times like these when I'm reflecting on the important lessons I've learned in my life that I'm truly thankful for "Arrested Development," and the infinite amount of laughs it's given me, but Lucille always made me laugh the most. It's precisely the type of super-ego comment like the one above, that each and every one of us can learn from, that makes Lucille such a great character that stands head and shoulders above her fellow cast mates. Each of us, from time to time, needs to be impervious to insults or else we get too caught up in damage control and changing who we are for the sake of pleasing others. Lucille doesn't do that. She's fully embraced herself and has no problem sloughing off a barb from Lindsay, Michael or Gob. It's not that she doesn't care (well, she probably doesn't care now that I think about it), but she knows it's not going to change a damn thing, so why pay attention to it? It's their fault anyway, they brought it up.

6- "A ceremony doesn't have to be long to be effective." Alf, ALF. I don't remember much about "ALF," but what I do remember (the titular character's affinity for eating cats) has stuck with me for a long, long time. That said, the best wedding I've ever been to lasted less than 25 minutes, and believe me, it was effective. The preacher/priest got up to the altar, said some gibberish about love and marriage, there were rings and vows and before I could say an "Our Father" it was over and the loving couple were married. Perfect. I grew up Catholic so I know about overly long ceremonies (a 2 hour long Christmas service really makes you wonder if it's all worth it), and as a child I always knew, deep down, that church would be more effective if it lasted half as long, because God doesn't care if you spend an hour dressed up, worshiping, because he's God, he's got other things to take care of. So, why not parse it down to the necessary bits and move on so you can go out and get on with your life? This goes double for you, graduation ceremonies, because after 4 years of hard work to get to that point, everybody in the audience just wants to get it over with. Next time you're planning a wedding, think about what Alf said, and if that's not enough, imagine how much more time you'll get to spend at the open bar if the service ended earlier.

7 - "You always go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain." - Marge Simpson/Julie Kavner, The Simpsons. Instincts are overrated. Instincts, when listened to perpetually and without question, can be a real pain in the ass, because they are leftovers from a time when humans were, more or less, animals that had to use their most basic urges in order to survive. Now, in 2009, we have far too many tools at our disposal to warrant listening to your inner caveman (unless you are facing up to a T-Rex, and then by all means, instinct away). For thousands of years philosophers have been trying to tell us we need to stop and think about what we do and how we do it. We can't always rely on a gut reaction to give us the best outcome for every situation. However, we do need to use our instincts from time to time, but we need to be selective about it. For example; if you're walking down the street and a guy is heading your way wearing a trench coat with a menacing look on your face, it's a good idea to follow your gut across the street, because, hell he might mug you, flash you or ask for spare change, but if you take the time to think about it, he's probably just a guy walking down the street, just like you, and he might think you're about to mug him. So, be selective about listening to your gut, it might make all the difference in the world.

8- "If I see you touch that kid again, I'm going to stick my fist through your chest." - Tim Riggins/Taylor Kitsch, Friday Night Lights. Okay, aside from being a criminally under watched show, "Friday Night Lights" is a vivid portrayal of what life is like in a small town that happens to be obsessed with high school football, and behind all the drama and struggle lies something deeper. It's rare to see a community that actually cares about itself on TV these days, but the good folks of Dillon, Texas are, at all times, trying to do what's right by everyone else (even if that means hurting someone in the process, unfortunately) and there is no better example of this ethos than Tim Riggins. Riggins will do whatever it takes to protect what he loves, and you know he's not lying when he says he's going to put his fist through someone's chest, because he will (I've seen it!) if it means saving someone else from getting hurt. We should all take this to heart, because we try so hard to remain on the periphery of everyone's lives without interfering that we forget that we actually need to step up and do something if the situation demands it. We can't shuffle along happily ignoring the guy who beats his kid, we have to notice it and do something about it or else it all goes to sh_t.

9- "They could at least lie to us. You know, call us and lie! We don't want to sit here like schmucks. A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy, it's a little respect. This is very disrespectful. ." Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm It came to my attention, just the other night actually, that I may be a little too honest. I might tell it like it is a little too much, because oftentimes I overlook the necessity of lying. While I don't think anyone should ever lie and that everyone should be as honest about what they're feeling or thinking, sometimes a lie just works better. If you don't want to go out to dinner with a couple of old friends because you're tired, you can't just call up and say "I don't feel like it," you have to give them an excuse, because "I don't feel like it" is going to piss them off. But, if you come up with a little, white lie and say "I'm not feeling well, I think something's going around work, I was really looking forward to seeing you guys," even if they suspect you're lying, at least they know you made an effort not to hurt their feelings. Still, if it were up to me everyone we'd be honest all the time, no matter who they offended in the process, but, a lie is sometimes exactly what the doctor ordered... as long as it's not a huge, life consuming lie, just the little ones that don't hurt anyone.

I expect this list of wisdom will continue to grow, but for now this is enough to pass along, or at least it's some of the more important stuff... stay tuned.

I Like You... Benjamin Linus

"I like you..." is a recurring section of "Where the Wild Things Were Last Thursday Around 8" which highlights the best of the best, the cream of the crop, the people, places and things that make each and every day a little more bearable just because they happen to exist.

**POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD**

I love puzzles and "Lost," to me at least, is one giant puzzle that needs to be solved. I began watching "Lost" a little less than 3 months ago, and in those 90 days my girlfriend and I have managed to watch almost every episode the series has to offer (we're about half way through season 5), but at first I didn't pay attention to the "mysteries of the island." I loved the smoke monster and I loved the polar bears and I perked up when I learned that Locke was in a wheelchair, paralyzed before he crash landed on the island and was suddenly healed, but I shrugged it off as "just one of those things," and moved on. I instantly hated Jack, because I could never get past how self-centered all his actions seemed to be, but he is necessary, he is the doctor that will heal the world and make sure everyone knows how much it hurts him to heal the world and he will do so by having strange, intermittent breakdowns and becoming addicted to pills. I cried like a baby the first time I watched Sun and Jin's relationship unfold, because, come on, they are, like, the cutest couple ever, and Jin is pretty badass. But, it wasn't until a mysterious man named Henry Gale showed up out of nowhere (and was promptly tortured by Sayid) that I was hooked and hooked good.

Aww, look at how harmless he seems when he's been hogtied, tortured and forced to live in a closet.

I couldn't wrap my head around this "Henry Gale," I didn't know if he was telling the truth or if I was succumbing to some sort of osmotic paranoia due to watching "Lost" on a loop for hours at a time, but I knew I liked him. Evil or not, Henry Gale spiced things up on "Lost" when the show was slowly but surely starting to become formulaic and (gasp) predictable. Oh, it was still intriguing and you still wanted to find out what the f_ck was going on with that f_cking island, but once they popped the hatch and Desmond McCrazypants showed up, I found my love for the show waning. Why I ever doubted J.J Abrams is beyond me, because just when I thought it was time to check out this "Mad Men" show people are so pleased with, Henry Gale showed up and another piece of the puzzle was thrown into the mix, except this piece didn't seem to fit anywhere and even though there was a big open space in the middle of the puzzle board no matter how many times you tried to force it in, it never fit, it just sat there, staring up at you with dead eyes waiting for you to figure out what to do with it.

Just when I was ready to believe that Henry Gale was who he said he was, "Lost" decided it wanted to make my head explode, and revealed that Henry isn't Henry at all, but rather a man named Benjamin Linus, the leader of The Others who had been kidnapping the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815, and once again the hook was set and my poor, obsessive brain could not get over the most recent twist, but it accepted it and went right back to trying to figure things out, and it was during this process that I realized something I stupidly ignored from the get-go: Every single character on "Lost" is hugely, hugely flawed and there is no such thing as "good" or "bad," but rather a delicately balanced gray area wherein all the characters reside. Why else would 2 murderers (Kate, Sawyer) be considered part of the "good team?" On any other show in any other universe the bad guys would be so clearly defined as to make any sort of guess work pointless, but on "Lost" either you have done wrong, will do wrong or you have no idea what the difference is so you just do what you have to do. Ben is the last one. Benjamin Linus is the ultimate tight rope walker, because he toes the line of good and bad so frequently and so well that you never know what he's up to and since he "always has a plan," but never shares what that plan is exactly it makes him the most captivating character on TV since Tony Soprano.

"I'm sure whomever I'm shooting right now needs to die to save the island or to help me, help the others save the island or he or she needs to be killed or else I can't help the survivors get back, or I'm doing it to get back at Whidmore, or I... I don't know, whatever." BANG

I've always found myself drawn to characters that have no moral compass. Maybe it's because I believe that morality and right and wrong are not static (f_ck you, Plato!) and I don't believe that, in a world that is, and always will be constantly evolving it's correct to say "this is this" and "that is that" and just trust that those assigned values will forever remain in place. Now, it should be noted that I am staunchly in favor of crossing at all cross walks even if there is no traffic, and I never drive more than 10 miles an hour over the speed limit, but if I absolutely had to I would as long as the situation demanded it. Benjamin Linus understands that every situation is unique and requires its own special reaction in order to render the outcome satisfactorily, and that includes murdering an island full of people or simply sacrificing himself to benefit the island and the people he loves so much. You have to admire a guy like that, or at least I do, because that's what I loved about characters like Tony Soprano; they will always act out of a belief that what they are doing is above the commonly understood notions of right and wrong, and I happen to agree with them, because when you are fighting for your life and the life of the ones you love, anything goes, and that is exactly what I think Ben is up to.

I'm not of the school that thinks Benjamin Linus is inherently bad, I think he is inherently good but at some point had that goodness shaken out of him. Maybe it was the constant berating from his father that he withstood for 28 years that made him a cold, callous man, but consequently the actions of Ben's father led him to The Others and made him who he is today, and I've got to believe that a man as smart as Ben understands that (and it probably pisses him off). Then of course there is the island factor. When you've spent your entire life living on an island that is, for lack of a better word, magical and there is a group of people devoted to protecting the island, and all of its mysteries, that have embraced you and made you their leader, after a lifetime of being told you killed your mother and were worthless, yeah, you're going to want to fight for the other team and more than likely you'll be a lot less apt to care whether or not something like murder is morally reprehensible or not, because if the situation calls for murder, he's going to shoot someone. That's just how Ben is. Take him or leave him. He's an awesome guy.

He's also a sociopath, but that's fine, all the best characters in novels, movies, television and stage plays have been sociopaths. Hannibal Lecter? Sociopath. The Joker? Sociopath. Tony Soprano? Sociopath. Ace Ventura? Sociopath. Atticus Finch? Sociopath. You have to keep in mind that these characters have no clue what they do may be construed as bad or evil at the time (don't tell me Atticus Finch was not acting out of some twisted pathological tendencies when he decided to defend Tom Robinson, I mean, that book is so dark and twisted and f_cked up he had to be a sociopath, what kind of man puts his kids in that much danger to prove a point), but that is, ultimately, their biggest flaw and their most exploitable weakness. What separates Ben from the other characters I've mentioned is that Ben seems to have an explicit understanding of his own pathology; which allows him to be in complete and total control; which is as terrifying as it is awesome. If Hannibal Lecter had embraced his own instability, he would have never let himself get shot by Will Graham. If Tony Soprano wasn't such an idiot... well I have no idea what happened to him (f_ck you, David Chase!), but I'm assuming his life just kept circling the drain and he is forever paranoid that whoever walks in the door next might be there to kill him. Ben doesn't just understand his malady, he f_cking owns it, and that is awesome and it gives him the ability to do what he needs to do. If anyone else on the show was to be tasked with half the sh_t Ben is asked to do, they would over think it and start whining and make a big show of how they are "good people" who would never voluntarily hurt a fly unless that fly was a drunk who beat up on his wife; in which case, you just blow up the fly's house with the fly still in it. There. Done.

Of all the characters the populate that always shifting world of "Lost," Ben Linus is the only one who honestly seems to understand that each and every single person associated with the island is not what they seem to be. I long ago joked with my girlfriend that "the island must get its power from con-men, crooks, crazy people and killers, because that just about sums up its entire population," but they all fall into that false belief that if you are in a different place where nobody knows your name or your history that you can change who you are. Ben's not like that. He knows Kate will always be Kate, and Jack will always be super annoying and Sawyer will always end up shirtless no matter when or where they are, even though they act like the island cleansed them of their sins, they're still the same people they were when they crashed there. Just like Ben will always be Ben, because he knows what the island wants, and the island doesn't want you to be somebody else, it brought you there for a reason. Why f_ck that up? Why not use it to your advantage? Ben does.

It's hard to write about any character on "Lost" without venturing into the land of the mythical and mysterious, but I think I did okay. That said, I hope you can all welcome Benjamin Linus as the first fictional member of the "I like you..." hall of fame with open arms, a healthy smile and a bullet proof vest (just in case). Since Mr. Linus is a fictional character I will be sending him a fictional t-shirt.

God Does NOT Want You to Get Swine Flu

Over here at "Where the Wild Things Were Last Thursday Around 8" we have a strict tolerance policy that demands every single race, religion, nationality and Robin Williams be given the benefit of the doubt before we go ahead and make fun of them. In fact, after posting something malicious we often spend a few hours upset at ourselves before we get over it by going to the local watering hole to drown our sorrows over a few pints of Jack Daniels (we also have a strict two drink minimum policy that effectively renders our consciences null and void by 6:00 PM every night). Still, even the fair minded, equal rights touting, neighbor loving jerk in the box has their breaking point; which is why I've decided that I would take matters into my own hands and sort a few things out for my staff as well as for you, my dear, dear reader. When I heard there are people out there willing to lose their jobs because they refuse to get the mandatory flu vaccination it was only a matter of time before I blew my lid and went straight to the source of the problem to cut down on all the jibber-jabber.

Pictured Above: The world's foremost scholar on Fool Pitying and Jibber-Jabbering.

I'm proud to say that God and I have known each other for years, and even though our friendship has had its ups and downs, we're still really close friends that check in on each other from time to time. God knows I'm not religious or spiritual and he's cool with that. He doesn't even care if I go to church or not, because He knows there are more important things to do than spend an hour a week worshiping him now that football season has started and the MLB playoffs start in a couple weeks. Not to mention He is a busy guy Himself, what with being the omnipotent creator of the universe and all He's got literally millions of other planets at different stages of development that need tending to. Shoot, He only spends a few weeks a year on Earth because his schedule is so crowded; which is why I'm truly honored that He took the time to sit down and have a real discussion with me.

Transcribed below is what I believed would be a brief interview with God that gradually expanded into a lengthy and friendly conversation, but when you're dealing with God time doesn't really matter and I'm sure He didn't even notice we went over.

Jimbolaya - I just want to say, on behalf of my readers and my staff and myself, thank You for taking time out of your unbelievably busy schedule to sit down with me today.
God - Of course, of course! I'm God! I can shift things around however I want.
J- Right, I always forget that, because you look like such a normal dude.
G - Well, to be fair, Jim I don't really look like anything, but, man, this one time, like thousands of years ago I appeared as a three headed dragon ensconced in flame and it freaked people out, so I thought it would be better if I made myself look more "human." (laughs)
J - That was probably the best decision.
G - Of course it was! I'm God. (laughs) I don't get things right all the time, but I don't make the same mistake twice, know what I mean?
J - Uh, do I need to remind you what happened that time we went to Ft. Lauderdale for the weekend and you kept saying, "oh there's no way I'm doing another shot," but every time the shot girl came by you were like "another round!" Do you remember how that ended?
G - Vaguely. (Laughs) No, of course I do, and I'll always remember you were the one that carried me that day. (laughs)
J - (Laughs) Okay, we have to get to this H1N1 thing.
G - Fine, fine. Let's hear it.
J - Do you, God, have any opposition whatsoever to New York State's recent mandate that all health care workers who regularly have either direct or indirect contact with patients must get a flu shot?
G - Of course I do! But, it has nothing to do with the sh_t people think it does. I'm all about free will, you know? People should be allowed to make their own decisions no matter how stupid they might be. Now, I do think if you are in the health care industry you would be smart enough to realize you need to get a flu shot to prevent the spread of the virus and to prevent yourself from getting sick. It's common sense, really.
J - Did you create the virus for any reason, or did it just happen?
G - Well, in a roundabout way I did create everything, but, no I did not directly create this virus. From what I understand two different strains of the flu virus were inhabiting the same pig and they combined to make the H1N1 strain that is causing so many problems.
J - God, couldn't you just put an end to the whole debate and show up and heal all the sick?
G - Why don't I stop all the violence while I'm at it? Listen, I could come down to Earth and make all the bad things stop, but that would completely annihilate free will as you and I know it. I created Man knowing full well human beings would be capable of solving almost all of the problems they face on their own. If I showed up every time there was a problem humanity would become too weak and would never be able to defend themselves against anything let alone a pesky virus.
J - But if you did interfere and put an end to all the "bad things" wouldn't we all be better off because of it, and wouldn't we all know you existed and be able to share in the joy that is your being?
G - Have you ever met a kid that was home schooled?
J - Not really.
G - Okay, because it's like that. Even though those kids parents think they are better off because they aren't exposing their children to the trials and tribulations of public or private schooling, when it comes time for those kids to get out into the real world and survive they are completely and utterly lost, for the most part. Those kids, when they hit puberty and their hormones go f_cking crazy and their body starts to change, their growth is ultimately stunted because they have no outlet for any of that tension. There is no social release. The boys don't get to talk about sex all day with a group of their guy friends, and the girls have no one to confide in when they reach womanhood except their mothers and that's just not healthy. The tension just builds and builds and builds, because they have no way to get it off their chests. Now, they may be perfectly normal people with a healthy family life and a great job, but they'll never really get the whole experience of being a human; which is a social experience.
J - What if they are part of a church group, or some other group where once or twice a week they get to hang out with kids their age and talk about things that kids talk about, like sex, sports and music?
G - It really isn't the same, because they are not immersed in it, but it helps. They get a quarter of an experience as opposed to the full thing, so that's something, but even though High School ruins a lot of lives on its own, it really is a necessary evil of the modern world. People need to interact with people and make their own decisions regarding those interactions. It's not rocket science and it shapes who you will ultimately become, and if your world consists of just your parents and your siblings and sparse interactions with your peers, it's going to be noticeable.
J - If you could change one thing about the human race and the world in general, what would that be?
G - Well, Jim, I can change any number of things, but I guess I would first try to straighten out the misconception that people are weak on their own, because they are most definitely not. They may not be as strong as Gorillas, but what they lack in physical strength they more than make up for in mental ability, and really, all the worlds problems come down to self esteem issues which stem from a poor body image or this idea that you just have to fit in with a certain crowd, and you don't. You really, really don't.
J - But, didn't you just say people are social and they need other people to realize their full potential? Doesn't that sort of speak to a group mindset? You can't preach individuality and conformity at the same time.
G - I'm speaking more along the lines of, well, here's an example; say there is a teenage girl who wants nothing more than to be popular, but she thinks she is too fat to be popular so she starves herself and when that doesn't work she becomes desperate and starts to think "oh, hey look at all those girl having sex, I'll start doing that and people will like me," so she becomes a slut and, even though people are paying more attention to her it's for all the wrong reasons, and at some point in time she'll realize she's just disgusted with herself because of the decisions she's made and it all snow balls from then on, because she never once thought that people would gravitate towards her if she was happy with who she was. You know what I mean? She relied so heavily on what other people thought that she never once asked herself what she thought? The lucky ones, the smart ones rather, go through similar periods but at some point in time figure it out and do things their own way and they are better off. What I'm trying to say is this: Humans need each other, but they don't need to do what everyone else is doing because everyone else is doing it, unless they want to of course, but that usually doesn't end well
J - You're a confusing guy, God. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, but I think I get it. You're saying that we all need to exercise free will, no matter what the cost, because that is what makes us human, and you've given us all the tools we'll ever need to survive and be strong on our own, including the abilities to tell right from wrong, cure diseases and save the environment so we shouldn't rely on the ideals of others to guide us when we're perfectly capable of making our own decisions, but we do need each other because some of us are better at science and math and others are better at reading and writing, but we are that much stronger when we all work together, but sometimes that group think mentality is more detrimental than it is helpful and the individuals involved should be able to discern whether or not they should go along or abandon ship... right? Yes? No? My head hurts.
G - (laughs) Well, it's not easy being the omnipotent creator of the universe as you know it, but you're definitely on the right track. How are we for time?
J - You tell me.
G - It's relative. I'm God. How about one more and I'll let you get back to work?
J - Sounds good. I'll try to think of a good one.
G - Please don't ask me if I'm really everywhere, because I'm not and I'm tired of explaining that. (Laughs)
J - Okay, fine... can you explain the plot of "Lost?"
G - Oh...
J - What?
G - I'm thinking.
J - I thought you were all knowing and all seeing, wouldn't the answer come instantaneously?
G - Uh...
J - You don't watch "Lost" do you? Come on!
G - No, I watch "Lost."
J - Okay, well, I just started season 5 so don't spoil it for me.
G - Dude...
J - You have no clue do you?
G - No, no I don't.
J - Man, I wanted to find out what the smoke monster was.

I'd like to thank God for taking part in this interview. It was one of the best experiences of my life, and don't forget to watch the final season of "Lost" on ABC this January! When most secrets of the island will be revealed.

Pictured Above: J.J "God Stumper" Abrams