Pictured Above: The world's foremost scholar on Fool Pitying and Jibber-Jabbering.I'm proud to say that God and I have known each other for years, and even though our friendship has had its ups and downs, we're still really close friends that check in on each other from time to time. God knows I'm not religious or spiritual and he's cool with that. He doesn't even care if I go to church or not, because He knows there are more important things to do than spend an hour a week worshiping him now that football season has started and the MLB playoffs start in a couple weeks. Not to mention He is a busy guy Himself, what with being the omnipotent creator of the universe and all He's got literally millions of other planets at different stages of development that need tending to. Shoot, He only spends a few weeks a year on Earth because his schedule is so crowded; which is why I'm truly honored that He took the time to sit down and have a real discussion with me.
Transcribed below is what I believed would be a brief interview with God that gradually expanded into a lengthy and friendly conversation, but when you're dealing with God time doesn't really matter and I'm sure He didn't even notice we went over.
Jimbolaya - I just want to say, on behalf of my readers and my staff and myself, thank You for taking time out of your unbelievably busy schedule to sit down with me today.
God - Of course, of course! I'm God! I can shift things around however I want.
J- Right, I always forget that, because you look like such a normal dude.
G - Well, to be fair, Jim I don't really look like anything, but, man, this one time, like thousands of years ago I appeared as a three headed dragon ensconced in flame and it freaked people out, so I thought it would be better if I made myself look more "human." (laughs)
J - That was probably the best decision.
G - Of course it was! I'm God. (laughs) I don't get things right all the time, but I don't make the same mistake twice, know what I mean?
J - Uh, do I need to remind you what happened that time we went to Ft. Lauderdale for the weekend and you kept saying, "oh there's no way I'm doing another shot," but every time the shot girl came by you were like "another round!" Do you remember how that ended?
G - Vaguely. (Laughs) No, of course I do, and I'll always remember you were the one that carried me that day. (laughs)
J - (Laughs) Okay, we have to get to this H1N1 thing.
G - Fine, fine. Let's hear it.
J - Do you, God, have any opposition whatsoever to New York State's recent mandate that all health care workers who regularly have either direct or indirect contact with patients must get a flu shot?
G - Of course I do! But, it has nothing to do with the sh_t people think it does. I'm all about free will, you know? People should be allowed to make their own decisions no matter how stupid they might be. Now, I do think if you are in the health care industry you would be smart enough to realize you need to get a flu shot to prevent the spread of the virus and to prevent yourself from getting sick. It's common sense, really.
J - Did you create the virus for any reason, or did it just happen?
G - Well, in a roundabout way I did create everything, but, no I did not directly create this virus. From what I understand two different strains of the flu virus were inhabiting the same pig and they combined to make the H1N1 strain that is causing so many problems.
J - God, couldn't you just put an end to the whole debate and show up and heal all the sick?
G - Why don't I stop all the violence while I'm at it? Listen, I could come down to Earth and make all the bad things stop, but that would completely annihilate free will as you and I know it. I created Man knowing full well human beings would be capable of solving almost all of the problems they face on their own. If I showed up every time there was a problem humanity would become too weak and would never be able to defend themselves against anything let alone a pesky virus.
J - But if you did interfere and put an end to all the "bad things" wouldn't we all be better off because of it, and wouldn't we all know you existed and be able to share in the joy that is your being?
G - Have you ever met a kid that was home schooled?
J - Not really.
G - Okay, because it's like that. Even though those kids parents think they are better off because they aren't exposing their children to the trials and tribulations of public or private schooling, when it comes time for those kids to get out into the real world and survive they are completely and utterly lost, for the most part. Those kids, when they hit puberty and their hormones go f_cking crazy and their body starts to change, their growth is ultimately stunted because they have no outlet for any of that tension. There is no social release. The boys don't get to talk about sex all day with a group of their guy friends, and the girls have no one to confide in when they reach womanhood except their mothers and that's just not healthy. The tension just builds and builds and builds, because they have no way to get it off their chests. Now, they may be perfectly normal people with a healthy family life and a great job, but they'll never really get the whole experience of being a human; which is a social experience.
J - What if they are part of a church group, or some other group where once or twice a week they get to hang out with kids their age and talk about things that kids talk about, like sex, sports and music?
G - It really isn't the same, because they are not immersed in it, but it helps. They get a quarter of an experience as opposed to the full thing, so that's something, but even though High School ruins a lot of lives on its own, it really is a necessary evil of the modern world. People need to interact with people and make their own decisions regarding those interactions. It's not rocket science and it shapes who you will ultimately become, and if your world consists of just your parents and your siblings and sparse interactions with your peers, it's going to be noticeable.
J - If you could change one thing about the human race and the world in general, what would that be?
G - Well, Jim, I can change any number of things, but I guess I would first try to straighten out the misconception that people are weak on their own, because they are most definitely not. They may not be as strong as Gorillas, but what they lack in physical strength they more than make up for in mental ability, and really, all the worlds problems come down to self esteem issues which stem from a poor body image or this idea that you just have to fit in with a certain crowd, and you don't. You really, really don't.
J - But, didn't you just say people are social and they need other people to realize their full potential? Doesn't that sort of speak to a group mindset? You can't preach individuality and conformity at the same time.
G - I'm speaking more along the lines of, well, here's an example; say there is a teenage girl who wants nothing more than to be popular, but she thinks she is too fat to be popular so she starves herself and when that doesn't work she becomes desperate and starts to think "oh, hey look at all those girl having sex, I'll start doing that and people will like me," so she becomes a slut and, even though people are paying more attention to her it's for all the wrong reasons, and at some point in time she'll realize she's just disgusted with herself because of the decisions she's made and it all snow balls from then on, because she never once thought that people would gravitate towards her if she was happy with who she was. You know what I mean? She relied so heavily on what other people thought that she never once asked herself what she thought? The lucky ones, the smart ones rather, go through similar periods but at some point in time figure it out and do things their own way and they are better off. What I'm trying to say is this: Humans need each other, but they don't need to do what everyone else is doing because everyone else is doing it, unless they want to of course, but that usually doesn't end well
J - You're a confusing guy, God. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, but I think I get it. You're saying that we all need to exercise free will, no matter what the cost, because that is what makes us human, and you've given us all the tools we'll ever need to survive and be strong on our own, including the abilities to tell right from wrong, cure diseases and save the environment so we shouldn't rely on the ideals of others to guide us when we're perfectly capable of making our own decisions, but we do need each other because some of us are better at science and math and others are better at reading and writing, but we are that much stronger when we all work together, but sometimes that group think mentality is more detrimental than it is helpful and the individuals involved should be able to discern whether or not they should go along or abandon ship... right? Yes? No? My head hurts.
G - (laughs) Well, it's not easy being the omnipotent creator of the universe as you know it, but you're definitely on the right track. How are we for time?
J - You tell me.
G - It's relative. I'm God. How about one more and I'll let you get back to work?
J - Sounds good. I'll try to think of a good one.
G - Please don't ask me if I'm really everywhere, because I'm not and I'm tired of explaining that. (Laughs)
J - Okay, fine... can you explain the plot of "Lost?"
G - Oh...
J - What?
G - I'm thinking.
J - I thought you were all knowing and all seeing, wouldn't the answer come instantaneously?
G - Uh...
J - You don't watch "Lost" do you? Come on!
G - No, I watch "Lost."
J - Okay, well, I just started season 5 so don't spoil it for me.
G - Dude...
J - You have no clue do you?
G - No, no I don't.
J - Man, I wanted to find out what the smoke monster was.
I'd like to thank God for taking part in this interview. It was one of the best experiences of my life, and don't forget to watch the final season of "Lost" on ABC this January! When most secrets of the island will be revealed.
Transcribed below is what I believed would be a brief interview with God that gradually expanded into a lengthy and friendly conversation, but when you're dealing with God time doesn't really matter and I'm sure He didn't even notice we went over.
Jimbolaya - I just want to say, on behalf of my readers and my staff and myself, thank You for taking time out of your unbelievably busy schedule to sit down with me today.
God - Of course, of course! I'm God! I can shift things around however I want.
J- Right, I always forget that, because you look like such a normal dude.
G - Well, to be fair, Jim I don't really look like anything, but, man, this one time, like thousands of years ago I appeared as a three headed dragon ensconced in flame and it freaked people out, so I thought it would be better if I made myself look more "human." (laughs)
J - That was probably the best decision.
G - Of course it was! I'm God. (laughs) I don't get things right all the time, but I don't make the same mistake twice, know what I mean?
J - Uh, do I need to remind you what happened that time we went to Ft. Lauderdale for the weekend and you kept saying, "oh there's no way I'm doing another shot," but every time the shot girl came by you were like "another round!" Do you remember how that ended?
G - Vaguely. (Laughs) No, of course I do, and I'll always remember you were the one that carried me that day. (laughs)
J - (Laughs) Okay, we have to get to this H1N1 thing.
G - Fine, fine. Let's hear it.
J - Do you, God, have any opposition whatsoever to New York State's recent mandate that all health care workers who regularly have either direct or indirect contact with patients must get a flu shot?
G - Of course I do! But, it has nothing to do with the sh_t people think it does. I'm all about free will, you know? People should be allowed to make their own decisions no matter how stupid they might be. Now, I do think if you are in the health care industry you would be smart enough to realize you need to get a flu shot to prevent the spread of the virus and to prevent yourself from getting sick. It's common sense, really.
J - Did you create the virus for any reason, or did it just happen?
G - Well, in a roundabout way I did create everything, but, no I did not directly create this virus. From what I understand two different strains of the flu virus were inhabiting the same pig and they combined to make the H1N1 strain that is causing so many problems.
J - God, couldn't you just put an end to the whole debate and show up and heal all the sick?
G - Why don't I stop all the violence while I'm at it? Listen, I could come down to Earth and make all the bad things stop, but that would completely annihilate free will as you and I know it. I created Man knowing full well human beings would be capable of solving almost all of the problems they face on their own. If I showed up every time there was a problem humanity would become too weak and would never be able to defend themselves against anything let alone a pesky virus.
J - But if you did interfere and put an end to all the "bad things" wouldn't we all be better off because of it, and wouldn't we all know you existed and be able to share in the joy that is your being?
G - Have you ever met a kid that was home schooled?
J - Not really.
G - Okay, because it's like that. Even though those kids parents think they are better off because they aren't exposing their children to the trials and tribulations of public or private schooling, when it comes time for those kids to get out into the real world and survive they are completely and utterly lost, for the most part. Those kids, when they hit puberty and their hormones go f_cking crazy and their body starts to change, their growth is ultimately stunted because they have no outlet for any of that tension. There is no social release. The boys don't get to talk about sex all day with a group of their guy friends, and the girls have no one to confide in when they reach womanhood except their mothers and that's just not healthy. The tension just builds and builds and builds, because they have no way to get it off their chests. Now, they may be perfectly normal people with a healthy family life and a great job, but they'll never really get the whole experience of being a human; which is a social experience.
J - What if they are part of a church group, or some other group where once or twice a week they get to hang out with kids their age and talk about things that kids talk about, like sex, sports and music?
G - It really isn't the same, because they are not immersed in it, but it helps. They get a quarter of an experience as opposed to the full thing, so that's something, but even though High School ruins a lot of lives on its own, it really is a necessary evil of the modern world. People need to interact with people and make their own decisions regarding those interactions. It's not rocket science and it shapes who you will ultimately become, and if your world consists of just your parents and your siblings and sparse interactions with your peers, it's going to be noticeable.
J - If you could change one thing about the human race and the world in general, what would that be?
G - Well, Jim, I can change any number of things, but I guess I would first try to straighten out the misconception that people are weak on their own, because they are most definitely not. They may not be as strong as Gorillas, but what they lack in physical strength they more than make up for in mental ability, and really, all the worlds problems come down to self esteem issues which stem from a poor body image or this idea that you just have to fit in with a certain crowd, and you don't. You really, really don't.
J - But, didn't you just say people are social and they need other people to realize their full potential? Doesn't that sort of speak to a group mindset? You can't preach individuality and conformity at the same time.
G - I'm speaking more along the lines of, well, here's an example; say there is a teenage girl who wants nothing more than to be popular, but she thinks she is too fat to be popular so she starves herself and when that doesn't work she becomes desperate and starts to think "oh, hey look at all those girl having sex, I'll start doing that and people will like me," so she becomes a slut and, even though people are paying more attention to her it's for all the wrong reasons, and at some point in time she'll realize she's just disgusted with herself because of the decisions she's made and it all snow balls from then on, because she never once thought that people would gravitate towards her if she was happy with who she was. You know what I mean? She relied so heavily on what other people thought that she never once asked herself what she thought? The lucky ones, the smart ones rather, go through similar periods but at some point in time figure it out and do things their own way and they are better off. What I'm trying to say is this: Humans need each other, but they don't need to do what everyone else is doing because everyone else is doing it, unless they want to of course, but that usually doesn't end well
J - You're a confusing guy, God. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, but I think I get it. You're saying that we all need to exercise free will, no matter what the cost, because that is what makes us human, and you've given us all the tools we'll ever need to survive and be strong on our own, including the abilities to tell right from wrong, cure diseases and save the environment so we shouldn't rely on the ideals of others to guide us when we're perfectly capable of making our own decisions, but we do need each other because some of us are better at science and math and others are better at reading and writing, but we are that much stronger when we all work together, but sometimes that group think mentality is more detrimental than it is helpful and the individuals involved should be able to discern whether or not they should go along or abandon ship... right? Yes? No? My head hurts.
G - (laughs) Well, it's not easy being the omnipotent creator of the universe as you know it, but you're definitely on the right track. How are we for time?
J - You tell me.
G - It's relative. I'm God. How about one more and I'll let you get back to work?
J - Sounds good. I'll try to think of a good one.
G - Please don't ask me if I'm really everywhere, because I'm not and I'm tired of explaining that. (Laughs)
J - Okay, fine... can you explain the plot of "Lost?"
G - Oh...
J - What?
G - I'm thinking.
J - I thought you were all knowing and all seeing, wouldn't the answer come instantaneously?
G - Uh...
J - You don't watch "Lost" do you? Come on!
G - No, I watch "Lost."
J - Okay, well, I just started season 5 so don't spoil it for me.
G - Dude...
J - You have no clue do you?
G - No, no I don't.
J - Man, I wanted to find out what the smoke monster was.
I'd like to thank God for taking part in this interview. It was one of the best experiences of my life, and don't forget to watch the final season of "Lost" on ABC this January! When most secrets of the island will be revealed.
Pictured Above: J.J "God Stumper" Abrams
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