The Devil and Jimbolaya

As I've mentioned many times throughout the storied history of this incredibly influential web log, the writing staff and I like to give everyone and everything the benefit of the doubt, and why not? It's the theory the American legal system was founded upon, after all, and if it's good enough for 2nd Appellate Court Justice Mark Hammerstein, then it is definitely good enough for "Where the Wild Things Were Last Thursday Around 8." Hey, we're busy over here, but we're not so busy that we ignore other people's points of view for the sake of making an easy joke.

The "WTWTWLTA8" Corporate Headquarters on a busy day.

That said, I was taken aback when I received a lewd phone call alerting me to a great oversight in one of my most recent posts. I can't repeat most of the words the caller used, because this is a family friendly blog (and he/she was audibly drunk and slurring their words so bad they sounded as if they were speaking in tongues), but what I am able to transcribe for you, my dear reader, I will do so below.

Transcription of message left on Jimbolaya's cell phone (10/8/09 1:07 AM):
"Listen this is *inaudible* and I'm sick and tired of that prick God getting all the *inappropriate language* credit for *inappropriate language* everything and anything you stupid mother *inappropriate language* humans can mother *inappropriate language* *inappropriate language* think of! When will the devil get his due..."
At this point it trails off into unintelligible , Lovecraftian like ramblings that I didn't even bother listening to more than 5 times.

C'thulu called... Jimbolaya let it go to voice mail.

I should have known from the caller ID (616-616-6616) that the unidentified voice was, in fact the Morning Star himself, drunk on Bacardi 151 (his liquor of choice, evidently) and plenty ticked off because I never even tried to get in touch with him when I was seeking out a deity to interview regarding the H1N1 hysteria that was sweeping over the entire globe not that long ago. Of course, I didn't know any of this until the following day when I got an e-mail from Azazel (his administrative assistant) explaining that Lucifer was upset, and he drank too much and shouldn't have left such an ugly message on my voice mail and oh, by the way would I like to meet for a drink and a quick chat sometime soon. Obviously you don't turn down a drink with the Devil unless you have tickets to a Streisand concert, and since my schedule is annoyingly clear I decided to take The Lord of the Flies up on his offer and suggested we meet for a few pints at one of my favorite bars, Lux Lounge (conveniently located at 666 South Ave, Rochester, NY, stop in some time and say hello to Phyllis, Kevin, Kim, Kerry and the rest of the Lux crew, just don't mention my name or you'll get heavily overcharged).

I had a longstanding relationship with God before I interviewed him (shoot, the two of us spent a month in Tahiti one weekend when we drank too much Grappa) so, I sort of knew what to expect from Yahweh, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into with the Lord of the Underworld. As a matter of fact, as I was walking to Lux I got incredibly nervous and wondered if I had set myself up for something terrible, but then I remembered there was free booze involved (I mean, the Devil has to pick up the tab, right?), and my temptations overcame my hesitations as I picked up the pace to make sure I was the first one there (it's polite to show up first when you invite someone out, otherwise always show up no less than ten minutes late and no more than four days past the agreed upon time).

As I walked through the bar's door, into the dimly lit interior a very muscular, very neckless man in his mid to late 40's asked for my identification and I happily showed him my driver's license at which point he scowled and nodded his head in the general direction of the bar before returning his attention to the doorway. I scanned the room for signs of movement and the only person other than myself drinking at such an hour was a heavyset older gentlemen quietly whistling the theme song to "Friends" while he drank what appeared to be a boot full of whiskey, I nodded in approval and took an empty seat at the other end of the bar, and when the bartender (a man named Kevin, a dread locked fellow with a humble demeanor and constant aroma of... well... Rasta) asked me what I would like, I ordered a double Jack Daniels and Coke.

Moments later I was startled to feel a cold hand patting me on the back. When I turned to see who it was (part of me already knew) I was surprised to see a young-ish man with blond hair, wearing a neatly pressed suit and tie, his steel blue eyes staring back at me, "You must be... what do I call you?" I asked, and the young-ish man with the blond hair and steel blue eyes replied, "oh, what's in a name? Call me Lou for all I care." He snapped his fingers and a small sonic boom ripped through the bar and, just like that, time stood still, everything came to a stop and the devil was laughing his ass off.

"I always do that the first time I meet somebody, it really freaks them out," he said before snapping his fingers again to unfreeze time. I rolled my eyes and sipped my drink and decided I would let Lou do most of the talking, because, hey, why get into a battle of wits with the devil if you don't have to, right? "So, Jimbo, I can see you're not a man who likes to talk turkey, so I'm just going to cut to the gravy and get it all out in the open right here and now, so we can enjoy the time we are going to spend together, okay?" I nodded, because, what else could I do? "Great," he continued at a dizzying speed, "I'm not upset you spoke with my old friend Yahweh, because, hey he's a great guy, right? A little stubborn at times, but great nonetheless, anyway, it's not that I'm mad, I'm far from mad, but my feelings are a little hurt because you didn't even think to interview me, did you? No, of course not, no one wants to hear from the second most powerful entity in the known universe. No. Everybody wants to know what God thinks. Everybody. It gets annoying, Jimbo, it really does, so I'm here to tell you we're going to do a little interview to make up for that indiscretion, to let everybody know that I, the one and only king of evil, am still around and relevant, you dig?" I dug.

Jimbolaya - "It's not often I'm forced to do an interview, let alone an interview with Lucifer, The Bringer of Light, or, as my readers may know him, The Devil."
Lucifer - "Well, it's not often that I'm compelled to give such an interview, young man. So, count yourself among the few and the proud who can honestly tell the world they met with the Devil and lived to tell the tale."
J- "So, you're not planning on killing me?"
L - (laughs) "Of course not! Of course not! I don't do that sort of thing anymore."
J - "Let's start here then: What sort of things do you do nowadays?"
L - "Well, I am not as busy up here as I used to be, obviously. I mean, in the beginning I really had to try hard to get people to sin, but now? Yeesh, they do it on their own just fine without my interference, so my days are largely made up of paper work and the distribution of eternal torture to the damned souls that manage to find themselves swimming in the lake of fire when the sweet embrace of death carries them into the unknown; which, by the way, is most of you. (laughs) I mean, it's great for me, but you monkeys really don't know any better, huh?"
J - "No, we really don't, but, can't you chock that up to your influence being a prevalent factor in the development of human kind from the very beginning? I know God has stated that The Garden of Eden tale of Adam and Eve is just a 'bedtime story,' but your ability to tempt and be tempting and the so called fruits that are born out of acting on those temptations must be a deeply ingrained piece of our genetic make up, right?"
L - "Not genetic, no, because when you get down to it you guys up here are just a bunch of hairless apes with better brains than the rest of the animal world, but would I go so far as to say it's been interwoven, carefully, over thousands of years into the social structure and spiritual structure of the entirety of mankind? Yes, because that's what I do."
J - "That's a very existentialist way of putting it, because what you're saying, if I may be so bold as to interpret your words, is that man is born as a blank slate; which is contrary to a lot of popular Judeo-Christian belief systems which believe that man is born with a destiny already in place, and, at the very least a 'human essence' is part of their make-up and their destiny."
L - "I have no idea what you just said, but, sure we'll go with that."
J - "Yeah, I'm actually not sure what I just said, I've been reading Sartre lately and it must be getting to me."
L - "Reading J.P, huh? Yeah, he's alright, I've never put much stock into philosophy, because it's usually dead wrong when you put it under a microscope."
J - "Then why don't you tell me what is right?"
L - "Jesus, you humans are all the same. You never relax! You always want to know answers to questions you could never possibly comprehend, and none of you, not a single one, has ever stopped to wonder if, just maybe, you're not supposed to know everything there is to know. That's kind of the entire point of the Adam and Eve story."
J - "I thought the point was not to piss off God by breaking his rules."
L - "No, monkey, listen, you're all idiots who can't seem to wrap your heads around the idea of living blissfully ignorant. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't try to figure out important things, like cures for diseases and things like that, but, man, leave the big questions like "why are we here," and "what's the purpose of life" up to guys like God and I."
J - "But, don't you think we have a right to know?
L - "Nope, you don't, so just stop thinking about it, because what happens if one of you apes actually figures it out? What will you all do then? You'll all start to freak out and start searching for another impossible to answer question, because that's how you guys are. Too inquisitive for your own good."
J - "Have you been given a bad rap over the years?"
L - "Eh, to be honest, no. I mean, I did try to overthrow the kingdom of heaven and claim the thrown as my own, so in that respect, no I've been given the reputation I should have been given. You don't try to usurp God without making a bad name for yourself, know what I mean?"
J - "As the Devil, it's assumed you are responsible for most of the evil in the world. What was the last terrible thing you are personally responsible for?"
L - "Personally responsible for? The bubonic plague, that was all me, but I did it as a favor to God. I mean, the world was a cesspool back then and it took the plague to make people realize they needed to, you know, clean up their act, so to speak. God didn't want to flood the place a second time, because it took forever to get things back to where they were after that, so he came to me and I said 'why not a disease of some sort?' And the rest is history."
J - "I would've thought the Holocaust was all you, or 9/11 or something much more recent than the plague."
L - "Phhhhh... I'm always getting credited for those things, but no, I had literally nothing to do with it. Like I said, you monkeys have been doing a great job messing things up on your own without my help. I just lay back and watch it happen and collect the souls as they come. I'm really a hands-off lord of the underworld these days."
J - "But, you have to know Hitler, right? I mean, a guy like that has to be in Hell."
L - "Oh, sure. Adolph is currently being raped by the most handsome Jewish man in all of Hell in front of a TV set that only plays "Caddyshack Two", and he will be in that position for all of eternity, but let me tell you a secret: Even I think Hitler is a gigantic prick, and if I could think of a better way to torture his immortal soul, I would."
J - "Are there any people in Hell that shouldn't be?"
L - "No, God and I have a system in place that prevents any accidents like that. It wouldn't be fair if good people went to hell and it definitely wouldn't be fair if bad people went to heaven. We figured that one out on the first day."
J - "Yankees or Red Sox?"
L - "Neither, I'm a Mets fan."
J - "I knew it!"
L - "Then why did you ask?"
J - "Because it's my interview and I wanted my readers to know that you, Lucifer, are a supporter of the New York Metropolitan's professional baseball organization."
L - (Laughs)
J - "Before, you mentioned that you are still relevant, could you explain that to me if you haven't personally been involved in any of the monstrosities that have occurred since the time of the plague?"
L - "I serve as the creative coordinator and talent scout/liaison for Fox News."
J - "You've got to be kidding, right? Is that some sort of twisted, sick, f_cked up joke?"
L - (Laughs) "Of course it is! Do you think I would have anything to do with those nut jobs? Hell no! But, yes I am still very relevant, because I still play a large part in almost every Christian religion around the world. I'm more like Kaiser Sose now, because I've become this legendary beast with a million backs that can coerce people into doing my bidding; which is all bull sh_t, because for the most part people are going to do whatever they want no matter what anyone tells them, but if they do something bad and say they did it because of me, then I'm still relevant, but the same is true of the alternative. If someone does something good and says they did it out of fear of me, then there you go, relevance."
J - "Alright, is this enough for you? Do you want me to ask you anything else or can we just start drinking and get on with our lives?"
L - "Yeah, this is fine, I think I've made a few good points and more than few terrible ones, so this should, at the very least, confuse the f_ck out of anyone who reads it."
J - "Fair enough. Thanks for contacting me and taking the time to demand I interview you, it's been a nightmarish experience that I'll always remember."
L - (Laughs) "Well, that's why I'm here."

The interview, though brief and somehow long winded, was only the starting point of the evening. Lucifer and I shared a few more drinks before we parted ways, and in that small amount of time I came to realize that Satan isn't a really bad guy, because he is just doing his job, but unfortunately that job is to be the dark to God's light and the evil to God's, uhm, not evil. All in all it was a great experience that I never hope to relive, because let's face it, I drank with the devil under the pale bar light and lived to tell the tale, why would I want to press my luck and do it again?

God Does NOT Want You to Get Swine Flu

Over here at "Where the Wild Things Were Last Thursday Around 8" we have a strict tolerance policy that demands every single race, religion, nationality and Robin Williams be given the benefit of the doubt before we go ahead and make fun of them. In fact, after posting something malicious we often spend a few hours upset at ourselves before we get over it by going to the local watering hole to drown our sorrows over a few pints of Jack Daniels (we also have a strict two drink minimum policy that effectively renders our consciences null and void by 6:00 PM every night). Still, even the fair minded, equal rights touting, neighbor loving jerk in the box has their breaking point; which is why I've decided that I would take matters into my own hands and sort a few things out for my staff as well as for you, my dear, dear reader. When I heard there are people out there willing to lose their jobs because they refuse to get the mandatory flu vaccination it was only a matter of time before I blew my lid and went straight to the source of the problem to cut down on all the jibber-jabber.

Pictured Above: The world's foremost scholar on Fool Pitying and Jibber-Jabbering.

I'm proud to say that God and I have known each other for years, and even though our friendship has had its ups and downs, we're still really close friends that check in on each other from time to time. God knows I'm not religious or spiritual and he's cool with that. He doesn't even care if I go to church or not, because He knows there are more important things to do than spend an hour a week worshiping him now that football season has started and the MLB playoffs start in a couple weeks. Not to mention He is a busy guy Himself, what with being the omnipotent creator of the universe and all He's got literally millions of other planets at different stages of development that need tending to. Shoot, He only spends a few weeks a year on Earth because his schedule is so crowded; which is why I'm truly honored that He took the time to sit down and have a real discussion with me.

Transcribed below is what I believed would be a brief interview with God that gradually expanded into a lengthy and friendly conversation, but when you're dealing with God time doesn't really matter and I'm sure He didn't even notice we went over.

Jimbolaya - I just want to say, on behalf of my readers and my staff and myself, thank You for taking time out of your unbelievably busy schedule to sit down with me today.
God - Of course, of course! I'm God! I can shift things around however I want.
J- Right, I always forget that, because you look like such a normal dude.
G - Well, to be fair, Jim I don't really look like anything, but, man, this one time, like thousands of years ago I appeared as a three headed dragon ensconced in flame and it freaked people out, so I thought it would be better if I made myself look more "human." (laughs)
J - That was probably the best decision.
G - Of course it was! I'm God. (laughs) I don't get things right all the time, but I don't make the same mistake twice, know what I mean?
J - Uh, do I need to remind you what happened that time we went to Ft. Lauderdale for the weekend and you kept saying, "oh there's no way I'm doing another shot," but every time the shot girl came by you were like "another round!" Do you remember how that ended?
G - Vaguely. (Laughs) No, of course I do, and I'll always remember you were the one that carried me that day. (laughs)
J - (Laughs) Okay, we have to get to this H1N1 thing.
G - Fine, fine. Let's hear it.
J - Do you, God, have any opposition whatsoever to New York State's recent mandate that all health care workers who regularly have either direct or indirect contact with patients must get a flu shot?
G - Of course I do! But, it has nothing to do with the sh_t people think it does. I'm all about free will, you know? People should be allowed to make their own decisions no matter how stupid they might be. Now, I do think if you are in the health care industry you would be smart enough to realize you need to get a flu shot to prevent the spread of the virus and to prevent yourself from getting sick. It's common sense, really.
J - Did you create the virus for any reason, or did it just happen?
G - Well, in a roundabout way I did create everything, but, no I did not directly create this virus. From what I understand two different strains of the flu virus were inhabiting the same pig and they combined to make the H1N1 strain that is causing so many problems.
J - God, couldn't you just put an end to the whole debate and show up and heal all the sick?
G - Why don't I stop all the violence while I'm at it? Listen, I could come down to Earth and make all the bad things stop, but that would completely annihilate free will as you and I know it. I created Man knowing full well human beings would be capable of solving almost all of the problems they face on their own. If I showed up every time there was a problem humanity would become too weak and would never be able to defend themselves against anything let alone a pesky virus.
J - But if you did interfere and put an end to all the "bad things" wouldn't we all be better off because of it, and wouldn't we all know you existed and be able to share in the joy that is your being?
G - Have you ever met a kid that was home schooled?
J - Not really.
G - Okay, because it's like that. Even though those kids parents think they are better off because they aren't exposing their children to the trials and tribulations of public or private schooling, when it comes time for those kids to get out into the real world and survive they are completely and utterly lost, for the most part. Those kids, when they hit puberty and their hormones go f_cking crazy and their body starts to change, their growth is ultimately stunted because they have no outlet for any of that tension. There is no social release. The boys don't get to talk about sex all day with a group of their guy friends, and the girls have no one to confide in when they reach womanhood except their mothers and that's just not healthy. The tension just builds and builds and builds, because they have no way to get it off their chests. Now, they may be perfectly normal people with a healthy family life and a great job, but they'll never really get the whole experience of being a human; which is a social experience.
J - What if they are part of a church group, or some other group where once or twice a week they get to hang out with kids their age and talk about things that kids talk about, like sex, sports and music?
G - It really isn't the same, because they are not immersed in it, but it helps. They get a quarter of an experience as opposed to the full thing, so that's something, but even though High School ruins a lot of lives on its own, it really is a necessary evil of the modern world. People need to interact with people and make their own decisions regarding those interactions. It's not rocket science and it shapes who you will ultimately become, and if your world consists of just your parents and your siblings and sparse interactions with your peers, it's going to be noticeable.
J - If you could change one thing about the human race and the world in general, what would that be?
G - Well, Jim, I can change any number of things, but I guess I would first try to straighten out the misconception that people are weak on their own, because they are most definitely not. They may not be as strong as Gorillas, but what they lack in physical strength they more than make up for in mental ability, and really, all the worlds problems come down to self esteem issues which stem from a poor body image or this idea that you just have to fit in with a certain crowd, and you don't. You really, really don't.
J - But, didn't you just say people are social and they need other people to realize their full potential? Doesn't that sort of speak to a group mindset? You can't preach individuality and conformity at the same time.
G - I'm speaking more along the lines of, well, here's an example; say there is a teenage girl who wants nothing more than to be popular, but she thinks she is too fat to be popular so she starves herself and when that doesn't work she becomes desperate and starts to think "oh, hey look at all those girl having sex, I'll start doing that and people will like me," so she becomes a slut and, even though people are paying more attention to her it's for all the wrong reasons, and at some point in time she'll realize she's just disgusted with herself because of the decisions she's made and it all snow balls from then on, because she never once thought that people would gravitate towards her if she was happy with who she was. You know what I mean? She relied so heavily on what other people thought that she never once asked herself what she thought? The lucky ones, the smart ones rather, go through similar periods but at some point in time figure it out and do things their own way and they are better off. What I'm trying to say is this: Humans need each other, but they don't need to do what everyone else is doing because everyone else is doing it, unless they want to of course, but that usually doesn't end well
J - You're a confusing guy, God. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, but I think I get it. You're saying that we all need to exercise free will, no matter what the cost, because that is what makes us human, and you've given us all the tools we'll ever need to survive and be strong on our own, including the abilities to tell right from wrong, cure diseases and save the environment so we shouldn't rely on the ideals of others to guide us when we're perfectly capable of making our own decisions, but we do need each other because some of us are better at science and math and others are better at reading and writing, but we are that much stronger when we all work together, but sometimes that group think mentality is more detrimental than it is helpful and the individuals involved should be able to discern whether or not they should go along or abandon ship... right? Yes? No? My head hurts.
G - (laughs) Well, it's not easy being the omnipotent creator of the universe as you know it, but you're definitely on the right track. How are we for time?
J - You tell me.
G - It's relative. I'm God. How about one more and I'll let you get back to work?
J - Sounds good. I'll try to think of a good one.
G - Please don't ask me if I'm really everywhere, because I'm not and I'm tired of explaining that. (Laughs)
J - Okay, fine... can you explain the plot of "Lost?"
G - Oh...
J - What?
G - I'm thinking.
J - I thought you were all knowing and all seeing, wouldn't the answer come instantaneously?
G - Uh...
J - You don't watch "Lost" do you? Come on!
G - No, I watch "Lost."
J - Okay, well, I just started season 5 so don't spoil it for me.
G - Dude...
J - You have no clue do you?
G - No, no I don't.
J - Man, I wanted to find out what the smoke monster was.

I'd like to thank God for taking part in this interview. It was one of the best experiences of my life, and don't forget to watch the final season of "Lost" on ABC this January! When most secrets of the island will be revealed.

Pictured Above: J.J "God Stumper" Abrams