The "WTWTWLTA8" Corporate Headquarters on a busy day.That said, I was taken aback when I received a lewd phone call alerting me to a great oversight in one of my most recent posts. I can't repeat most of the words the caller used, because this is a family friendly blog (and he/she was audibly drunk and slurring their words so bad they sounded as if they were speaking in tongues), but what I am able to transcribe for you, my dear reader, I will do so below.
Transcription of message left on Jimbolaya's cell phone (10/8/09 1:07 AM):
"Listen this is *inaudible* and I'm sick and tired of that prick God getting all the *inappropriate language* credit for *inappropriate language* everything and anything you stupid mother *inappropriate language* humans can mother *inappropriate language* *inappropriate language* think of! When will the devil get his due..."
At this point it trails off into unintelligible , Lovecraftian like ramblings that I didn't even bother listening to more than 5 times.
C'thulu called... Jimbolaya let it go to voice mail.
Transcription of message left on Jimbolaya's cell phone (10/8/09 1:07 AM):
"Listen this is *inaudible* and I'm sick and tired of that prick God getting all the *inappropriate language* credit for *inappropriate language* everything and anything you stupid mother *inappropriate language* humans can mother *inappropriate language* *inappropriate language* think of! When will the devil get his due..."
At this point it trails off into unintelligible , Lovecraftian like ramblings that I didn't even bother listening to more than 5 times.
C'thulu called... Jimbolaya let it go to voice mail.I should have known from the caller ID (616-616-6616) that the unidentified voice was, in fact the Morning Star himself, drunk on Bacardi 151 (his liquor of choice, evidently) and plenty ticked off because I never even tried to get in touch with him when I was seeking out a deity to interview regarding the H1N1 hysteria that was sweeping over the entire globe not that long ago. Of course, I didn't know any of this until the following day when I got an e-mail from Azazel (his administrative assistant) explaining that Lucifer was upset, and he drank too much and shouldn't have left such an ugly message on my voice mail and oh, by the way would I like to meet for a drink and a quick chat sometime soon. Obviously you don't turn down a drink with the Devil unless you have tickets to a Streisand concert, and since my schedule is annoyingly clear I decided to take The Lord of the Flies up on his offer and suggested we meet for a few pints at one of my favorite bars, Lux Lounge (conveniently located at 666 South Ave, Rochester, NY, stop in some time and say hello to Phyllis, Kevin, Kim, Kerry and the rest of the Lux crew, just don't mention my name or you'll get heavily overcharged).
I had a longstanding relationship with God before I interviewed him (shoot, the two of us spent a month in Tahiti one weekend when we drank too much Grappa) so, I sort of knew what to expect from Yahweh, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into with the Lord of the Underworld. As a matter of fact, as I was walking to Lux I got incredibly nervous and wondered if I had set myself up for something terrible, but then I remembered there was free booze involved (I mean, the Devil has to pick up the tab, right?), and my temptations overcame my hesitations as I picked up the pace to make sure I was the first one there (it's polite to show up first when you invite someone out, otherwise always show up no less than ten minutes late and no more than four days past the agreed upon time).
As I walked through the bar's door, into the dimly lit interior a very muscular, very neckless man in his mid to late 40's asked for my identification and I happily showed him my driver's license at which point he scowled and nodded his head in the general direction of the bar before returning his attention to the doorway. I scanned the room for signs of movement and the only person other than myself drinking at such an hour was a heavyset older gentlemen quietly whistling the theme song to "Friends" while he drank what appeared to be a boot full of whiskey, I nodded in approval and took an empty seat at the other end of the bar, and when the bartender (a man named Kevin, a dread locked fellow with a humble demeanor and constant aroma of... well... Rasta) asked me what I would like, I ordered a double Jack Daniels and Coke.
Moments later I was startled to feel a cold hand patting me on the back. When I turned to see who it was (part of me already knew) I was surprised to see a young-ish man with blond hair, wearing a neatly pressed suit and tie, his steel blue eyes staring back at me, "You must be... what do I call you?" I asked, and the young-ish man with the blond hair and steel blue eyes replied, "oh, what's in a name? Call me Lou for all I care." He snapped his fingers and a small sonic boom ripped through the bar and, just like that, time stood still, everything came to a stop and the devil was laughing his ass off.
"I always do that the first time I meet somebody, it really freaks them out," he said before snapping his fingers again to unfreeze time. I rolled my eyes and sipped my drink and decided I would let Lou do most of the talking, because, hey, why get into a battle of wits with the devil if you don't have to, right? "So, Jimbo, I can see you're not a man who likes to talk turkey, so I'm just going to cut to the gravy and get it all out in the open right here and now, so we can enjoy the time we are going to spend together, okay?" I nodded, because, what else could I do? "Great," he continued at a dizzying speed, "I'm not upset you spoke with my old friend Yahweh, because, hey he's a great guy, right? A little stubborn at times, but great nonetheless, anyway, it's not that I'm mad, I'm far from mad, but my feelings are a little hurt because you didn't even think to interview me, did you? No, of course not, no one wants to hear from the second most powerful entity in the known universe. No. Everybody wants to know what God thinks. Everybody. It gets annoying, Jimbo, it really does, so I'm here to tell you we're going to do a little interview to make up for that indiscretion, to let everybody know that I, the one and only king of evil, am still around and relevant, you dig?" I dug.
Jimbolaya - "It's not often I'm forced to do an interview, let alone an interview with Lucifer, The Bringer of Light, or, as my readers may know him, The Devil."
Lucifer - "Well, it's not often that I'm compelled to give such an interview, young man. So, count yourself among the few and the proud who can honestly tell the world they met with the Devil and lived to tell the tale."
J- "So, you're not planning on killing me?"
L - (laughs) "Of course not! Of course not! I don't do that sort of thing anymore."
J - "Let's start here then: What sort of things do you do nowadays?"
L - "Well, I am not as busy up here as I used to be, obviously. I mean, in the beginning I really had to try hard to get people to sin, but now? Yeesh, they do it on their own just fine without my interference, so my days are largely made up of paper work and the distribution of eternal torture to the damned souls that manage to find themselves swimming in the lake of fire when the sweet embrace of death carries them into the unknown; which, by the way, is most of you. (laughs) I mean, it's great for me, but you monkeys really don't know any better, huh?"
J - "No, we really don't, but, can't you chock that up to your influence being a prevalent factor in the development of human kind from the very beginning? I know God has stated that The Garden of Eden tale of Adam and Eve is just a 'bedtime story,' but your ability to tempt and be tempting and the so called fruits that are born out of acting on those temptations must be a deeply ingrained piece of our genetic make up, right?"
L - "Not genetic, no, because when you get down to it you guys up here are just a bunch of hairless apes with better brains than the rest of the animal world, but would I go so far as to say it's been interwoven, carefully, over thousands of years into the social structure and spiritual structure of the entirety of mankind? Yes, because that's what I do."
J - "That's a very existentialist way of putting it, because what you're saying, if I may be so bold as to interpret your words, is that man is born as a blank slate; which is contrary to a lot of popular Judeo-Christian belief systems which believe that man is born with a destiny already in place, and, at the very least a 'human essence' is part of their make-up and their destiny."
L - "I have no idea what you just said, but, sure we'll go with that."
J - "Yeah, I'm actually not sure what I just said, I've been reading Sartre lately and it must be getting to me."
L - "Reading J.P, huh? Yeah, he's alright, I've never put much stock into philosophy, because it's usually dead wrong when you put it under a microscope."
J - "Then why don't you tell me what is right?"
L - "Jesus, you humans are all the same. You never relax! You always want to know answers to questions you could never possibly comprehend, and none of you, not a single one, has ever stopped to wonder if, just maybe, you're not supposed to know everything there is to know. That's kind of the entire point of the Adam and Eve story."
J - "I thought the point was not to piss off God by breaking his rules."
L - "No, monkey, listen, you're all idiots who can't seem to wrap your heads around the idea of living blissfully ignorant. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't try to figure out important things, like cures for diseases and things like that, but, man, leave the big questions like "why are we here," and "what's the purpose of life" up to guys like God and I."
J - "But, don't you think we have a right to know?
L - "Nope, you don't, so just stop thinking about it, because what happens if one of you apes actually figures it out? What will you all do then? You'll all start to freak out and start searching for another impossible to answer question, because that's how you guys are. Too inquisitive for your own good."
J - "Have you been given a bad rap over the years?"
L - "Eh, to be honest, no. I mean, I did try to overthrow the kingdom of heaven and claim the thrown as my own, so in that respect, no I've been given the reputation I should have been given. You don't try to usurp God without making a bad name for yourself, know what I mean?"
J - "As the Devil, it's assumed you are responsible for most of the evil in the world. What was the last terrible thing you are personally responsible for?"
L - "Personally responsible for? The bubonic plague, that was all me, but I did it as a favor to God. I mean, the world was a cesspool back then and it took the plague to make people realize they needed to, you know, clean up their act, so to speak. God didn't want to flood the place a second time, because it took forever to get things back to where they were after that, so he came to me and I said 'why not a disease of some sort?' And the rest is history."
J - "I would've thought the Holocaust was all you, or 9/11 or something much more recent than the plague."
L - "Phhhhh... I'm always getting credited for those things, but no, I had literally nothing to do with it. Like I said, you monkeys have been doing a great job messing things up on your own without my help. I just lay back and watch it happen and collect the souls as they come. I'm really a hands-off lord of the underworld these days."
J - "But, you have to know Hitler, right? I mean, a guy like that has to be in Hell."
L - "Oh, sure. Adolph is currently being raped by the most handsome Jewish man in all of Hell in front of a TV set that only plays "Caddyshack Two", and he will be in that position for all of eternity, but let me tell you a secret: Even I think Hitler is a gigantic prick, and if I could think of a better way to torture his immortal soul, I would."
J - "Are there any people in Hell that shouldn't be?"
L - "No, God and I have a system in place that prevents any accidents like that. It wouldn't be fair if good people went to hell and it definitely wouldn't be fair if bad people went to heaven. We figured that one out on the first day."
J - "Yankees or Red Sox?"
L - "Neither, I'm a Mets fan."
J - "I knew it!"
L - "Then why did you ask?"
J - "Because it's my interview and I wanted my readers to know that you, Lucifer, are a supporter of the New York Metropolitan's professional baseball organization."
L - (Laughs)
J - "Before, you mentioned that you are still relevant, could you explain that to me if you haven't personally been involved in any of the monstrosities that have occurred since the time of the plague?"
L - "I serve as the creative coordinator and talent scout/liaison for Fox News."
J - "You've got to be kidding, right? Is that some sort of twisted, sick, f_cked up joke?"
L - (Laughs) "Of course it is! Do you think I would have anything to do with those nut jobs? Hell no! But, yes I am still very relevant, because I still play a large part in almost every Christian religion around the world. I'm more like Kaiser Sose now, because I've become this legendary beast with a million backs that can coerce people into doing my bidding; which is all bull sh_t, because for the most part people are going to do whatever they want no matter what anyone tells them, but if they do something bad and say they did it because of me, then I'm still relevant, but the same is true of the alternative. If someone does something good and says they did it out of fear of me, then there you go, relevance."
J - "Alright, is this enough for you? Do you want me to ask you anything else or can we just start drinking and get on with our lives?"
L - "Yeah, this is fine, I think I've made a few good points and more than few terrible ones, so this should, at the very least, confuse the f_ck out of anyone who reads it."
J - "Fair enough. Thanks for contacting me and taking the time to demand I interview you, it's been a nightmarish experience that I'll always remember."
L - (Laughs) "Well, that's why I'm here."
The interview, though brief and somehow long winded, was only the starting point of the evening. Lucifer and I shared a few more drinks before we parted ways, and in that small amount of time I came to realize that Satan isn't a really bad guy, because he is just doing his job, but unfortunately that job is to be the dark to God's light and the evil to God's, uhm, not evil. All in all it was a great experience that I never hope to relive, because let's face it, I drank with the devil under the pale bar light and lived to tell the tale, why would I want to press my luck and do it again?
I had a longstanding relationship with God before I interviewed him (shoot, the two of us spent a month in Tahiti one weekend when we drank too much Grappa) so, I sort of knew what to expect from Yahweh, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into with the Lord of the Underworld. As a matter of fact, as I was walking to Lux I got incredibly nervous and wondered if I had set myself up for something terrible, but then I remembered there was free booze involved (I mean, the Devil has to pick up the tab, right?), and my temptations overcame my hesitations as I picked up the pace to make sure I was the first one there (it's polite to show up first when you invite someone out, otherwise always show up no less than ten minutes late and no more than four days past the agreed upon time).
As I walked through the bar's door, into the dimly lit interior a very muscular, very neckless man in his mid to late 40's asked for my identification and I happily showed him my driver's license at which point he scowled and nodded his head in the general direction of the bar before returning his attention to the doorway. I scanned the room for signs of movement and the only person other than myself drinking at such an hour was a heavyset older gentlemen quietly whistling the theme song to "Friends" while he drank what appeared to be a boot full of whiskey, I nodded in approval and took an empty seat at the other end of the bar, and when the bartender (a man named Kevin, a dread locked fellow with a humble demeanor and constant aroma of... well... Rasta) asked me what I would like, I ordered a double Jack Daniels and Coke.
Moments later I was startled to feel a cold hand patting me on the back. When I turned to see who it was (part of me already knew) I was surprised to see a young-ish man with blond hair, wearing a neatly pressed suit and tie, his steel blue eyes staring back at me, "You must be... what do I call you?" I asked, and the young-ish man with the blond hair and steel blue eyes replied, "oh, what's in a name? Call me Lou for all I care." He snapped his fingers and a small sonic boom ripped through the bar and, just like that, time stood still, everything came to a stop and the devil was laughing his ass off.
"I always do that the first time I meet somebody, it really freaks them out," he said before snapping his fingers again to unfreeze time. I rolled my eyes and sipped my drink and decided I would let Lou do most of the talking, because, hey, why get into a battle of wits with the devil if you don't have to, right? "So, Jimbo, I can see you're not a man who likes to talk turkey, so I'm just going to cut to the gravy and get it all out in the open right here and now, so we can enjoy the time we are going to spend together, okay?" I nodded, because, what else could I do? "Great," he continued at a dizzying speed, "I'm not upset you spoke with my old friend Yahweh, because, hey he's a great guy, right? A little stubborn at times, but great nonetheless, anyway, it's not that I'm mad, I'm far from mad, but my feelings are a little hurt because you didn't even think to interview me, did you? No, of course not, no one wants to hear from the second most powerful entity in the known universe. No. Everybody wants to know what God thinks. Everybody. It gets annoying, Jimbo, it really does, so I'm here to tell you we're going to do a little interview to make up for that indiscretion, to let everybody know that I, the one and only king of evil, am still around and relevant, you dig?" I dug.
Jimbolaya - "It's not often I'm forced to do an interview, let alone an interview with Lucifer, The Bringer of Light, or, as my readers may know him, The Devil."
Lucifer - "Well, it's not often that I'm compelled to give such an interview, young man. So, count yourself among the few and the proud who can honestly tell the world they met with the Devil and lived to tell the tale."
J- "So, you're not planning on killing me?"
L - (laughs) "Of course not! Of course not! I don't do that sort of thing anymore."
J - "Let's start here then: What sort of things do you do nowadays?"
L - "Well, I am not as busy up here as I used to be, obviously. I mean, in the beginning I really had to try hard to get people to sin, but now? Yeesh, they do it on their own just fine without my interference, so my days are largely made up of paper work and the distribution of eternal torture to the damned souls that manage to find themselves swimming in the lake of fire when the sweet embrace of death carries them into the unknown; which, by the way, is most of you. (laughs) I mean, it's great for me, but you monkeys really don't know any better, huh?"
J - "No, we really don't, but, can't you chock that up to your influence being a prevalent factor in the development of human kind from the very beginning? I know God has stated that The Garden of Eden tale of Adam and Eve is just a 'bedtime story,' but your ability to tempt and be tempting and the so called fruits that are born out of acting on those temptations must be a deeply ingrained piece of our genetic make up, right?"
L - "Not genetic, no, because when you get down to it you guys up here are just a bunch of hairless apes with better brains than the rest of the animal world, but would I go so far as to say it's been interwoven, carefully, over thousands of years into the social structure and spiritual structure of the entirety of mankind? Yes, because that's what I do."
J - "That's a very existentialist way of putting it, because what you're saying, if I may be so bold as to interpret your words, is that man is born as a blank slate; which is contrary to a lot of popular Judeo-Christian belief systems which believe that man is born with a destiny already in place, and, at the very least a 'human essence' is part of their make-up and their destiny."
L - "I have no idea what you just said, but, sure we'll go with that."
J - "Yeah, I'm actually not sure what I just said, I've been reading Sartre lately and it must be getting to me."
L - "Reading J.P, huh? Yeah, he's alright, I've never put much stock into philosophy, because it's usually dead wrong when you put it under a microscope."
J - "Then why don't you tell me what is right?"
L - "Jesus, you humans are all the same. You never relax! You always want to know answers to questions you could never possibly comprehend, and none of you, not a single one, has ever stopped to wonder if, just maybe, you're not supposed to know everything there is to know. That's kind of the entire point of the Adam and Eve story."
J - "I thought the point was not to piss off God by breaking his rules."
L - "No, monkey, listen, you're all idiots who can't seem to wrap your heads around the idea of living blissfully ignorant. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't try to figure out important things, like cures for diseases and things like that, but, man, leave the big questions like "why are we here," and "what's the purpose of life" up to guys like God and I."
J - "But, don't you think we have a right to know?
L - "Nope, you don't, so just stop thinking about it, because what happens if one of you apes actually figures it out? What will you all do then? You'll all start to freak out and start searching for another impossible to answer question, because that's how you guys are. Too inquisitive for your own good."
J - "Have you been given a bad rap over the years?"
L - "Eh, to be honest, no. I mean, I did try to overthrow the kingdom of heaven and claim the thrown as my own, so in that respect, no I've been given the reputation I should have been given. You don't try to usurp God without making a bad name for yourself, know what I mean?"
J - "As the Devil, it's assumed you are responsible for most of the evil in the world. What was the last terrible thing you are personally responsible for?"
L - "Personally responsible for? The bubonic plague, that was all me, but I did it as a favor to God. I mean, the world was a cesspool back then and it took the plague to make people realize they needed to, you know, clean up their act, so to speak. God didn't want to flood the place a second time, because it took forever to get things back to where they were after that, so he came to me and I said 'why not a disease of some sort?' And the rest is history."
J - "I would've thought the Holocaust was all you, or 9/11 or something much more recent than the plague."
L - "Phhhhh... I'm always getting credited for those things, but no, I had literally nothing to do with it. Like I said, you monkeys have been doing a great job messing things up on your own without my help. I just lay back and watch it happen and collect the souls as they come. I'm really a hands-off lord of the underworld these days."
J - "But, you have to know Hitler, right? I mean, a guy like that has to be in Hell."
L - "Oh, sure. Adolph is currently being raped by the most handsome Jewish man in all of Hell in front of a TV set that only plays "Caddyshack Two", and he will be in that position for all of eternity, but let me tell you a secret: Even I think Hitler is a gigantic prick, and if I could think of a better way to torture his immortal soul, I would."
J - "Are there any people in Hell that shouldn't be?"
L - "No, God and I have a system in place that prevents any accidents like that. It wouldn't be fair if good people went to hell and it definitely wouldn't be fair if bad people went to heaven. We figured that one out on the first day."
J - "Yankees or Red Sox?"
L - "Neither, I'm a Mets fan."
J - "I knew it!"
L - "Then why did you ask?"
J - "Because it's my interview and I wanted my readers to know that you, Lucifer, are a supporter of the New York Metropolitan's professional baseball organization."
L - (Laughs)
J - "Before, you mentioned that you are still relevant, could you explain that to me if you haven't personally been involved in any of the monstrosities that have occurred since the time of the plague?"
L - "I serve as the creative coordinator and talent scout/liaison for Fox News."
J - "You've got to be kidding, right? Is that some sort of twisted, sick, f_cked up joke?"
L - (Laughs) "Of course it is! Do you think I would have anything to do with those nut jobs? Hell no! But, yes I am still very relevant, because I still play a large part in almost every Christian religion around the world. I'm more like Kaiser Sose now, because I've become this legendary beast with a million backs that can coerce people into doing my bidding; which is all bull sh_t, because for the most part people are going to do whatever they want no matter what anyone tells them, but if they do something bad and say they did it because of me, then I'm still relevant, but the same is true of the alternative. If someone does something good and says they did it out of fear of me, then there you go, relevance."
J - "Alright, is this enough for you? Do you want me to ask you anything else or can we just start drinking and get on with our lives?"
L - "Yeah, this is fine, I think I've made a few good points and more than few terrible ones, so this should, at the very least, confuse the f_ck out of anyone who reads it."
J - "Fair enough. Thanks for contacting me and taking the time to demand I interview you, it's been a nightmarish experience that I'll always remember."
L - (Laughs) "Well, that's why I'm here."
The interview, though brief and somehow long winded, was only the starting point of the evening. Lucifer and I shared a few more drinks before we parted ways, and in that small amount of time I came to realize that Satan isn't a really bad guy, because he is just doing his job, but unfortunately that job is to be the dark to God's light and the evil to God's, uhm, not evil. All in all it was a great experience that I never hope to relive, because let's face it, I drank with the devil under the pale bar light and lived to tell the tale, why would I want to press my luck and do it again?
I thoroughly enjoyed this. I can't believe you got Lucifer to laugh?
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