I see you sitting there, looking confused, probably wondering what the hell that magic box in front of you is doing and how it is doing it and why warlocks weren't all rounded up and put in some sort of super prison like in that movie with the wizard child. If that's the case, please stop reading this blog immediately. I do not want you to read this. At all. I'd rather, for the sake of future generations, you go back to doing what you do best: being really fucking stupid.
I'm not kidding.
Seriously.
Leave.
NOW!
Alright. Now that I've cleared the room of all the idiots, let's talk turkey (or "turkeys", he says auditioning to write for a future Seth MacFarlane project that is largely pun based). Aren't stupid people amazing? Are not the morons of the world the most fascinating people lucky enough to wake up every morning grinning at the coming dawn with a smile that proudly tells us all "I enjoy cake?" The short answer to those questions is: Yes, they are. The long answer to those questions is:
No. Idiots are the fucking worst, and an incident today proved that to me once and for all.
Reader, I work in a labyrinthine hospital that at any given time houses roughly 15,000 employees alongside the incalculable number of patients, family members, visiting guest and hobos looking for a warm place to rest their weary hobo bones for a spell. It is a confusing place to get around in made doubly more exacerbating by the myriad signs that seem to be pointing you in the correct direction, but are actually carefully placed in such a way as to make your journey more damnable than you could ever have possibly imagined.
As simple as red tags on a ceiling leading you to an elevator that is also red in color may seem to you or I, this method is actually very confusing to most people. As part of my commitment to my day job I will occasionally help people out if I notice they are deep in the middle of a distressing moment of misdirection. This is something I am supposed to do as an employee of this institution. I am supposed to be helpful when I see patients or guest wandering around, looking confused. So, today I did that, and, boy howdy, was that ever a big fucking mistake.
(I'm keeping "boy howdy" in there. I don't care what you think of me. I like that phrase.)
See, Reader, there were these two young ladies walking around earlier today looking very confused. They were huddled together like some symbiotic coven of uselessness splattered with an ungodly patina of what I'm assuming they would tell you is "Hawaii Bronze," or some other ridiculous tanning parlor name for a color that only exists in nature as made by man. One of them, the taller of the two, kept referring to what I know is a sheet of directions that offices here will send out to people coming in for an appointment for the first time so they don't get lost quite as easily as they would with no directions at all. The taller one looks at her sheet again, shows it to the shorter one and they both start giggling like morons.
"Isn't this fun!" I imagined the shorter one thinking. "We're lost, I'm totes going to text all my friends how we're lost," I thought I heard the taller one whisper to the shorter one, but that may have just been the siren song of multiple gold hoop earrings clanging together as they put their stupid heads together to look at a sheet of paper with arrows and words on it that clearly stated they were not where they were supposed to be. So, me, being uncharacteristically nice and helpful, sucked it up and walked over to where they were standing (in front of a sign, placed there by the people who designed the building as a guide for visitors to make treading the maze of this place a little bit more realistic) and politely asked them "Do you guys need help?"
Here is the tall one's response: After looking me up and down like I'm some piece of fucking Salisbury steak she was about to eat and subsequently throw up later in the bathroom at whatever hair salon I'm sure she works at, Snort "From you? I don't think so."
Here is the shorter one's response: After her taller friend so viciously cut me to the quick, "yeah, dude, I don't think so." Giggle.
I walked away to the sound of these two cunts giggling like hyenas that just discovered whippets, grew opposable thumbs, bought the necessary equipment and learned how to use the aforementioned whippets in order to make them laugh like insufferable young women who consider being "airheaded" "dityz" "bronzed" and "full of someone's penis, I don't care whose" full time occupations. I'm so mad about this I'm not even going to look if I just used "whose" correctly. That's how mad I am. I'm "fuck correct grammar" mad. (To be honest, I am usually "fuck correct grammar" lazy, so you guys won't notice)
And now I explain my ire in a humorous way...
Reader, this shit needs to stop and it needs to stop quick, because I am sure I am not the only person affected by the zombie like plague of idiots currently calling this planet their home. Sure, there have been plenty of stupid people throughout history that have at one time or another been famous for a minute or two, but we just pointed and laughed at them and went on with our business like we were supposed to do. You know what would've happened to Snooki in, say, 1963? Nothing! She would just be a dumb slut from Marlboro, New York working her way through the world one bad decision at a time, spitting out a half dozen kids, working as a secretary for a guy who clearly only hired her because he was drunk, and then she would die. Probably of old age, surrounded by her unloving grandchildren, cursing the day she ever met Frank and decided to settle for him because he was nice to her that one time they went to Sabastino's and got a slice. 2011? Now she's an international celebrity making millions of dollars and her squished up stupid face is everywhere and it has invaded the minds of future generations of children and young adults who are now learning that "if I let someone try to fuck me all the time, or if I act crazy enough and let someone try to fuck me, or if I have no talents whatsoever but completely buy into this very specific frame of mind and let someone try to fuck me, and there's a camera around, I'm going to be hugely successful and famous and have mountains of money to let someone try to fuck me on," and this is not okay.
We need to let these kids know that these people are clowns trotted out for our amusement and not for our enshrinement and idolatry, because they are the worst. We will, I swear, trundle further down into the rabbit hole of stupidity that is very quickly making America the most moronic nation in the world. I was trying to help two people find their way, and I was punished because I do not look like DJ Pauly D or The Situation (who both, by the way, look way too "rapey" to me), and not only that, but these bitches didn't even wait for me to walk away before they decided it was okay to try and make me feel bad; which I guess they succeeded at since I'm fuming on the internet right now and, probably, look worse than these assholes who are probably to busy wondering how bells work right now to remember what happened earlier, but what I'm trying to say is not only were they really, really fucking dumb, but they were also consciously rude. How... how does that even happen?
I don't know. I really don't, and I'm not going to blame parents or television for this because it very well might be that the more the gene pool is stretched the dumber it becomes. It could be that the human race has just been slowly evolving into a poorly crafted sack of limbs attached to what future scientists will point to and call a "thinking box." I don't know. I'm not a soothsayer and I can't predict the future and I absolutely will not apologize for the past. We are what we are and this is where we are headed, but there's also a chance to change things and make the rest of my life a little less filled with angry and a little more filled with people that make sense when they talk.
Or, I'm just really pissed off at two girls who made me feel ugly. Whatevs. Totes just going to go home and drink and watch TV anyway.
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