I've been sitting on this post for a while now, because I wanted to take the time to think about it, because it means more to me than any of my previous entries. Why? Because I love TV. I honestly and truly love television shows almost as much as I love some of my cousins (they just don't get me, man), and I'm not sure why, because I don't think about it. I just throw myself into a TV show and let the writers, actors, producers and networks do the rest. It's not that I'm lazy or have a lack of imagination that demands everything be shown to me, and it's not because I hate reading like so many other members of my generation seem to. I love reading. I love being creative and I love taking my dog for a good walk when I get home from a long day of pretending to work, but nothing makes the day more worth it than knowing I can escape into a different world for 22 or 43 minutes at a time (unless it's HBO/Showtime, in which case 28-60 minutes is appropriate).
I don't discriminate in my programming tastes. I'll watch anything from "Dr. Who" to NOVA specials on PBS, from "Monty Python" to "The Soup," it doesn't matter as long as it isn't "American Idol," or "The Real Housewives of Atlanta." The most important lessons I've learned in life, aside from ones that actually take place in the real world (not the TV show), have come from various TV Shows I've watched over the years. I have an urge to pass along the most important items to you, my dear reader, with the hope that what I've learned will resonate with you and help to change your life for the better, so without further adieu, I present to you: "Jimbolaya's Guide to Life, As Learned From T.V." A TV Guide to Life, if you will.
1- "Never go with a hippie to a second location." - Jack Donaghy/Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock. Have truer words ever been spoken? How many times have you found yourself enjoying a conversation with a hippie? Probably often, they are enjoyable people and their perspective on life is often times hilariously innocent and optimistic(not to mention they are really easy to f_ck with). Oh, you and your new hippie friend probably had a grand old time talking about philosophy and patchouli or whatever the f_ck hippies talk about, and then it all comes crashing down the instant you move to a second location. Say you were talking at a coffee shop or a bar and your hippie buddy asks if you want to move to another coffee shop or bar (depending where you started, it's the natural chain of hippie events: bar to coffee shop/coffee shop to bar, they don't care as long as they can sit down and hold something). Suddenly you find that your new "friend" is a complete idiot with a trust fund/inheritance from a dead aunt, and no sense of reality. Those "interesting" points he/she made earlier are not at all interesting any more, because in the harsh light of reality they just don't hold up. Besides, if you're talking to a guy who spent 6 months of the past year traveling around the country watching Phish and Phish cover bands, you have to start wondering when he/she is going to ask for money or a spot on your couch. That's how they work, they charm you with their dreadlocks and their carefree, whatever happens, happens attitude, but when it comes down to it they're still the same group of people who use peace and love as an excuse not to work.
2 - "To Alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." Homer Simpson/Dan Castellaneta, The Simpsons. I expect "The Simpsons" will play a large part in this guide, because I am part of Generation Homer. The lucky horde of 20-somethings that have seen every episode of "The Simpsons" since they were barely in grade school when it started airing 20-something years ago and, in doing so, have gained valuable knowledge about life, the universe and everything. That said, Homer hit this one right on the nose when he proudly proclaimed that alcohol is the cause and solution to all of life's problems, because it most certainly is. How many times have you argued with your best friend after one too many only to make up with him/her over one too many a few days later? It happens more often than you realize, but when it comes down to it, the wonderful side effect of imbibing alcoholic beverages is the be all and end all of coping mechanisms (and it's organic... sort of). No other substance on Earth manages to subdue your inhibitions quite like alchol; which is a double edged sword. You can say something nice to the girl you've never had the courage to say something nice to before, or you can say something nasty to your boss at the Christmas party because you took two shots of liquid courage in the break room with the IT guys (they know how to party). It works both ways and should be respected (possibly deified) for all the good it does and all the pain it causes, because there is nothing else like it in the world.
3- "Live together, or die alone." - Jack Shepherd/Matthew Fox, Lost - I am now, unfortunately, one of the millions of people in the world that is uncontrollably addicted to "Lost," but, aside from the mind blowing mysteries of the island and all the plot lines that twist in and out of the show and the loose ends that better get tidied up by this time next fall, "Lost" is truly a show about the good that comes of people working together for a common goal. Jack (my least favorite character on the show, by the way) sums it up beautifully in season 1 when he rallies the troops with what will soon become the Lostie motto. In one terrific sentence, Jack wraps up the most overlooked aspect of the human condition; which is our ability to be so selfish that we forget we need other people to live happily, and in doing so helped prompt a group of strangers who had no reason to trust each other to start working as a unit to make sure they had enough food, water and shelter to live on (what seemed to be) an undiscovered island with a monster on it. It's motivational without being overly dramatic and sentimental, and if you're ever in a situation where you're not sure what to do with yourself, just think "live together, die alone," and go find someone to help out. Trust me, it works.
4- "Even a broken clock is right twice a day." - Tony Soprano/James Gandolfini, The Sopranos. I know, I know, it's an old saying that has been around forever and I probably heard my grandma or grandpa say it once or twice, but who listens to their grandparents? When Tony Soprano speaks you and I have no choice but to stop what we're doing and pay attention (because he might have you clipped), and when Tony decides to pop off a piece of Jersey Shore wisdom like the line up above, you and I have no choice but to take it to heart (because, and this is important, he might murder you). When Tony says "even a broken clock is right twice a day" it's an insult directed at his retarded, camel nosed nephew Christopher, but when you stop and think about it, it's a great piece of advice and a helpful reminder that even the most "broken clocks" (meaning stupid people) among us are right from every once in a while. So, the next time the secretary at work with an annoying voice and a hair cut from last century is trying to make a point about the way you file your TPS reports, pay attention, she might be right.
5- "Oh, she thinks I'm too critical. That's another fault of hers." - Lucille Bluth/Jessica Walters, Arrested Development. Thank God for Lucille Bluth. I mean that, right now, if you are reading this say a prayer in thanks for Lucille, because there has never been a character like her on TV, and there never will be again. It's times like these when I'm reflecting on the important lessons I've learned in my life that I'm truly thankful for "Arrested Development," and the infinite amount of laughs it's given me, but Lucille always made me laugh the most. It's precisely the type of super-ego comment like the one above, that each and every one of us can learn from, that makes Lucille such a great character that stands head and shoulders above her fellow cast mates. Each of us, from time to time, needs to be impervious to insults or else we get too caught up in damage control and changing who we are for the sake of pleasing others. Lucille doesn't do that. She's fully embraced herself and has no problem sloughing off a barb from Lindsay, Michael or Gob. It's not that she doesn't care (well, she probably doesn't care now that I think about it), but she knows it's not going to change a damn thing, so why pay attention to it? It's their fault anyway, they brought it up.
6- "A ceremony doesn't have to be long to be effective." Alf, ALF. I don't remember much about "ALF," but what I do remember (the titular character's affinity for eating cats) has stuck with me for a long, long time. That said, the best wedding I've ever been to lasted less than 25 minutes, and believe me, it was effective. The preacher/priest got up to the altar, said some gibberish about love and marriage, there were rings and vows and before I could say an "Our Father" it was over and the loving couple were married. Perfect. I grew up Catholic so I know about overly long ceremonies (a 2 hour long Christmas service really makes you wonder if it's all worth it), and as a child I always knew, deep down, that church would be more effective if it lasted half as long, because God doesn't care if you spend an hour dressed up, worshiping, because he's God, he's got other things to take care of. So, why not parse it down to the necessary bits and move on so you can go out and get on with your life? This goes double for you, graduation ceremonies, because after 4 years of hard work to get to that point, everybody in the audience just wants to get it over with. Next time you're planning a wedding, think about what Alf said, and if that's not enough, imagine how much more time you'll get to spend at the open bar if the service ended earlier.
7 - "You always go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain." - Marge Simpson/Julie Kavner, The Simpsons. Instincts are overrated. Instincts, when listened to perpetually and without question, can be a real pain in the ass, because they are leftovers from a time when humans were, more or less, animals that had to use their most basic urges in order to survive. Now, in 2009, we have far too many tools at our disposal to warrant listening to your inner caveman (unless you are facing up to a T-Rex, and then by all means, instinct away). For thousands of years philosophers have been trying to tell us we need to stop and think about what we do and how we do it. We can't always rely on a gut reaction to give us the best outcome for every situation. However, we do need to use our instincts from time to time, but we need to be selective about it. For example; if you're walking down the street and a guy is heading your way wearing a trench coat with a menacing look on your face, it's a good idea to follow your gut across the street, because, hell he might mug you, flash you or ask for spare change, but if you take the time to think about it, he's probably just a guy walking down the street, just like you, and he might think you're about to mug him. So, be selective about listening to your gut, it might make all the difference in the world.
8- "If I see you touch that kid again, I'm going to stick my fist through your chest." - Tim Riggins/Taylor Kitsch, Friday Night Lights. Okay, aside from being a criminally under watched show, "Friday Night Lights" is a vivid portrayal of what life is like in a small town that happens to be obsessed with high school football, and behind all the drama and struggle lies something deeper. It's rare to see a community that actually cares about itself on TV these days, but the good folks of Dillon, Texas are, at all times, trying to do what's right by everyone else (even if that means hurting someone in the process, unfortunately) and there is no better example of this ethos than Tim Riggins. Riggins will do whatever it takes to protect what he loves, and you know he's not lying when he says he's going to put his fist through someone's chest, because he will (I've seen it!) if it means saving someone else from getting hurt. We should all take this to heart, because we try so hard to remain on the periphery of everyone's lives without interfering that we forget that we actually need to step up and do something if the situation demands it. We can't shuffle along happily ignoring the guy who beats his kid, we have to notice it and do something about it or else it all goes to sh_t.
9- "They could at least lie to us. You know, call us and lie! We don't want to sit here like schmucks. A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy, it's a little respect. This is very disrespectful. ." Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm It came to my attention, just the other night actually, that I may be a little too honest. I might tell it like it is a little too much, because oftentimes I overlook the necessity of lying. While I don't think anyone should ever lie and that everyone should be as honest about what they're feeling or thinking, sometimes a lie just works better. If you don't want to go out to dinner with a couple of old friends because you're tired, you can't just call up and say "I don't feel like it," you have to give them an excuse, because "I don't feel like it" is going to piss them off. But, if you come up with a little, white lie and say "I'm not feeling well, I think something's going around work, I was really looking forward to seeing you guys," even if they suspect you're lying, at least they know you made an effort not to hurt their feelings. Still, if it were up to me everyone we'd be honest all the time, no matter who they offended in the process, but, a lie is sometimes exactly what the doctor ordered... as long as it's not a huge, life consuming lie, just the little ones that don't hurt anyone.
I expect this list of wisdom will continue to grow, but for now this is enough to pass along, or at least it's some of the more important stuff... stay tuned.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
I Like You... Benjamin Linus
"I like you..." is a recurring section of "Where the Wild Things Were Last Thursday Around 8" which highlights the best of the best, the cream of the crop, the people, places and things that make each and every day a little more bearable just because they happen to exist.
**POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD**
I love puzzles and "Lost," to me at least, is one giant puzzle that needs to be solved. I began watching "Lost" a little less than 3 months ago, and in those 90 days my girlfriend and I have managed to watch almost every episode the series has to offer (we're about half way through season 5), but at first I didn't pay attention to the "mysteries of the island." I loved the smoke monster and I loved the polar bears and I perked up when I learned that Locke was in a wheelchair, paralyzed before he crash landed on the island and was suddenly healed, but I shrugged it off as "just one of those things," and moved on. I instantly hated Jack, because I could never get past how self-centered all his actions seemed to be, but he is necessary, he is the doctor that will heal the world and make sure everyone knows how much it hurts him to heal the world and he will do so by having strange, intermittent breakdowns and becoming addicted to pills. I cried like a baby the first time I watched Sun and Jin's relationship unfold, because, come on, they are, like, the cutest couple ever, and Jin is pretty badass. But, it wasn't until a mysterious man named Henry Gale showed up out of nowhere (and was promptly tortured by Sayid) that I was hooked and hooked good.
Aww, look at how harmless he seems when he's been hogtied, tortured and forced to live in a closet.
**POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD**
I love puzzles and "Lost," to me at least, is one giant puzzle that needs to be solved. I began watching "Lost" a little less than 3 months ago, and in those 90 days my girlfriend and I have managed to watch almost every episode the series has to offer (we're about half way through season 5), but at first I didn't pay attention to the "mysteries of the island." I loved the smoke monster and I loved the polar bears and I perked up when I learned that Locke was in a wheelchair, paralyzed before he crash landed on the island and was suddenly healed, but I shrugged it off as "just one of those things," and moved on. I instantly hated Jack, because I could never get past how self-centered all his actions seemed to be, but he is necessary, he is the doctor that will heal the world and make sure everyone knows how much it hurts him to heal the world and he will do so by having strange, intermittent breakdowns and becoming addicted to pills. I cried like a baby the first time I watched Sun and Jin's relationship unfold, because, come on, they are, like, the cutest couple ever, and Jin is pretty badass. But, it wasn't until a mysterious man named Henry Gale showed up out of nowhere (and was promptly tortured by Sayid) that I was hooked and hooked good.
Aww, look at how harmless he seems when he's been hogtied, tortured and forced to live in a closet.I couldn't wrap my head around this "Henry Gale," I didn't know if he was telling the truth or if I was succumbing to some sort of osmotic paranoia due to watching "Lost" on a loop for hours at a time, but I knew I liked him. Evil or not, Henry Gale spiced things up on "Lost" when the show was slowly but surely starting to become formulaic and (gasp) predictable. Oh, it was still intriguing and you still wanted to find out what the f_ck was going on with that f_cking island, but once they popped the hatch and Desmond McCrazypants showed up, I found my love for the show waning. Why I ever doubted J.J Abrams is beyond me, because just when I thought it was time to check out this "Mad Men" show people are so pleased with, Henry Gale showed up and another piece of the puzzle was thrown into the mix, except this piece didn't seem to fit anywhere and even though there was a big open space in the middle of the puzzle board no matter how many times you tried to force it in, it never fit, it just sat there, staring up at you with dead eyes waiting for you to figure out what to do with it.
Just when I was ready to believe that Henry Gale was who he said he was, "Lost" decided it wanted to make my head explode, and revealed that Henry isn't Henry at all, but rather a man named Benjamin Linus, the leader of The Others who had been kidnapping the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815, and once again the hook was set and my poor, obsessive brain could not get over the most recent twist, but it accepted it and went right back to trying to figure things out, and it was during this process that I realized something I stupidly ignored from the get-go: Every single character on "Lost" is hugely, hugely flawed and there is no such thing as "good" or "bad," but rather a delicately balanced gray area wherein all the characters reside. Why else would 2 murderers (Kate, Sawyer) be considered part of the "good team?" On any other show in any other universe the bad guys would be so clearly defined as to make any sort of guess work pointless, but on "Lost" either you have done wrong, will do wrong or you have no idea what the difference is so you just do what you have to do. Ben is the last one. Benjamin Linus is the ultimate tight rope walker, because he toes the line of good and bad so frequently and so well that you never know what he's up to and since he "always has a plan," but never shares what that plan is exactly it makes him the most captivating character on TV since Tony Soprano.
"I'm sure whomever I'm shooting right now needs to die to save the island or to help me, help the others save the island or he or she needs to be killed or else I can't help the survivors get back, or I'm doing it to get back at Whidmore, or I... I don't know, whatever." BANG
Just when I was ready to believe that Henry Gale was who he said he was, "Lost" decided it wanted to make my head explode, and revealed that Henry isn't Henry at all, but rather a man named Benjamin Linus, the leader of The Others who had been kidnapping the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815, and once again the hook was set and my poor, obsessive brain could not get over the most recent twist, but it accepted it and went right back to trying to figure things out, and it was during this process that I realized something I stupidly ignored from the get-go: Every single character on "Lost" is hugely, hugely flawed and there is no such thing as "good" or "bad," but rather a delicately balanced gray area wherein all the characters reside. Why else would 2 murderers (Kate, Sawyer) be considered part of the "good team?" On any other show in any other universe the bad guys would be so clearly defined as to make any sort of guess work pointless, but on "Lost" either you have done wrong, will do wrong or you have no idea what the difference is so you just do what you have to do. Ben is the last one. Benjamin Linus is the ultimate tight rope walker, because he toes the line of good and bad so frequently and so well that you never know what he's up to and since he "always has a plan," but never shares what that plan is exactly it makes him the most captivating character on TV since Tony Soprano.
"I'm sure whomever I'm shooting right now needs to die to save the island or to help me, help the others save the island or he or she needs to be killed or else I can't help the survivors get back, or I'm doing it to get back at Whidmore, or I... I don't know, whatever." BANGI've always found myself drawn to characters that have no moral compass. Maybe it's because I believe that morality and right and wrong are not static (f_ck you, Plato!) and I don't believe that, in a world that is, and always will be constantly evolving it's correct to say "this is this" and "that is that" and just trust that those assigned values will forever remain in place. Now, it should be noted that I am staunchly in favor of crossing at all cross walks even if there is no traffic, and I never drive more than 10 miles an hour over the speed limit, but if I absolutely had to I would as long as the situation demanded it. Benjamin Linus understands that every situation is unique and requires its own special reaction in order to render the outcome satisfactorily, and that includes murdering an island full of people or simply sacrificing himself to benefit the island and the people he loves so much. You have to admire a guy like that, or at least I do, because that's what I loved about characters like Tony Soprano; they will always act out of a belief that what they are doing is above the commonly understood notions of right and wrong, and I happen to agree with them, because when you are fighting for your life and the life of the ones you love, anything goes, and that is exactly what I think Ben is up to.
I'm not of the school that thinks Benjamin Linus is inherently bad, I think he is inherently good but at some point had that goodness shaken out of him. Maybe it was the constant berating from his father that he withstood for 28 years that made him a cold, callous man, but consequently the actions of Ben's father led him to The Others and made him who he is today, and I've got to believe that a man as smart as Ben understands that (and it probably pisses him off). Then of course there is the island factor. When you've spent your entire life living on an island that is, for lack of a better word, magical and there is a group of people devoted to protecting the island, and all of its mysteries, that have embraced you and made you their leader, after a lifetime of being told you killed your mother and were worthless, yeah, you're going to want to fight for the other team and more than likely you'll be a lot less apt to care whether or not something like murder is morally reprehensible or not, because if the situation calls for murder, he's going to shoot someone. That's just how Ben is. Take him or leave him. He's an awesome guy.
He's also a sociopath, but that's fine, all the best characters in novels, movies, television and stage plays have been sociopaths. Hannibal Lecter? Sociopath. The Joker? Sociopath. Tony Soprano? Sociopath. Ace Ventura? Sociopath. Atticus Finch? Sociopath. You have to keep in mind that these characters have no clue what they do may be construed as bad or evil at the time (don't tell me Atticus Finch was not acting out of some twisted pathological tendencies when he decided to defend Tom Robinson, I mean, that book is so dark and twisted and f_cked up he had to be a sociopath, what kind of man puts his kids in that much danger to prove a point), but that is, ultimately, their biggest flaw and their most exploitable weakness. What separates Ben from the other characters I've mentioned is that Ben seems to have an explicit understanding of his own pathology; which allows him to be in complete and total control; which is as terrifying as it is awesome. If Hannibal Lecter had embraced his own instability, he would have never let himself get shot by Will Graham. If Tony Soprano wasn't such an idiot... well I have no idea what happened to him (f_ck you, David Chase!), but I'm assuming his life just kept circling the drain and he is forever paranoid that whoever walks in the door next might be there to kill him. Ben doesn't just understand his malady, he f_cking owns it, and that is awesome and it gives him the ability to do what he needs to do. If anyone else on the show was to be tasked with half the sh_t Ben is asked to do, they would over think it and start whining and make a big show of how they are "good people" who would never voluntarily hurt a fly unless that fly was a drunk who beat up on his wife; in which case, you just blow up the fly's house with the fly still in it. There. Done.
Of all the characters the populate that always shifting world of "Lost," Ben Linus is the only one who honestly seems to understand that each and every single person associated with the island is not what they seem to be. I long ago joked with my girlfriend that "the island must get its power from con-men, crooks, crazy people and killers, because that just about sums up its entire population," but they all fall into that false belief that if you are in a different place where nobody knows your name or your history that you can change who you are. Ben's not like that. He knows Kate will always be Kate, and Jack will always be super annoying and Sawyer will always end up shirtless no matter when or where they are, even though they act like the island cleansed them of their sins, they're still the same people they were when they crashed there. Just like Ben will always be Ben, because he knows what the island wants, and the island doesn't want you to be somebody else, it brought you there for a reason. Why f_ck that up? Why not use it to your advantage? Ben does.
It's hard to write about any character on "Lost" without venturing into the land of the mythical and mysterious, but I think I did okay. That said, I hope you can all welcome Benjamin Linus as the first fictional member of the "I like you..." hall of fame with open arms, a healthy smile and a bullet proof vest (just in case). Since Mr. Linus is a fictional character I will be sending him a fictional t-shirt.
I'm not of the school that thinks Benjamin Linus is inherently bad, I think he is inherently good but at some point had that goodness shaken out of him. Maybe it was the constant berating from his father that he withstood for 28 years that made him a cold, callous man, but consequently the actions of Ben's father led him to The Others and made him who he is today, and I've got to believe that a man as smart as Ben understands that (and it probably pisses him off). Then of course there is the island factor. When you've spent your entire life living on an island that is, for lack of a better word, magical and there is a group of people devoted to protecting the island, and all of its mysteries, that have embraced you and made you their leader, after a lifetime of being told you killed your mother and were worthless, yeah, you're going to want to fight for the other team and more than likely you'll be a lot less apt to care whether or not something like murder is morally reprehensible or not, because if the situation calls for murder, he's going to shoot someone. That's just how Ben is. Take him or leave him. He's an awesome guy.
He's also a sociopath, but that's fine, all the best characters in novels, movies, television and stage plays have been sociopaths. Hannibal Lecter? Sociopath. The Joker? Sociopath. Tony Soprano? Sociopath. Ace Ventura? Sociopath. Atticus Finch? Sociopath. You have to keep in mind that these characters have no clue what they do may be construed as bad or evil at the time (don't tell me Atticus Finch was not acting out of some twisted pathological tendencies when he decided to defend Tom Robinson, I mean, that book is so dark and twisted and f_cked up he had to be a sociopath, what kind of man puts his kids in that much danger to prove a point), but that is, ultimately, their biggest flaw and their most exploitable weakness. What separates Ben from the other characters I've mentioned is that Ben seems to have an explicit understanding of his own pathology; which allows him to be in complete and total control; which is as terrifying as it is awesome. If Hannibal Lecter had embraced his own instability, he would have never let himself get shot by Will Graham. If Tony Soprano wasn't such an idiot... well I have no idea what happened to him (f_ck you, David Chase!), but I'm assuming his life just kept circling the drain and he is forever paranoid that whoever walks in the door next might be there to kill him. Ben doesn't just understand his malady, he f_cking owns it, and that is awesome and it gives him the ability to do what he needs to do. If anyone else on the show was to be tasked with half the sh_t Ben is asked to do, they would over think it and start whining and make a big show of how they are "good people" who would never voluntarily hurt a fly unless that fly was a drunk who beat up on his wife; in which case, you just blow up the fly's house with the fly still in it. There. Done.
Of all the characters the populate that always shifting world of "Lost," Ben Linus is the only one who honestly seems to understand that each and every single person associated with the island is not what they seem to be. I long ago joked with my girlfriend that "the island must get its power from con-men, crooks, crazy people and killers, because that just about sums up its entire population," but they all fall into that false belief that if you are in a different place where nobody knows your name or your history that you can change who you are. Ben's not like that. He knows Kate will always be Kate, and Jack will always be super annoying and Sawyer will always end up shirtless no matter when or where they are, even though they act like the island cleansed them of their sins, they're still the same people they were when they crashed there. Just like Ben will always be Ben, because he knows what the island wants, and the island doesn't want you to be somebody else, it brought you there for a reason. Why f_ck that up? Why not use it to your advantage? Ben does.
It's hard to write about any character on "Lost" without venturing into the land of the mythical and mysterious, but I think I did okay. That said, I hope you can all welcome Benjamin Linus as the first fictional member of the "I like you..." hall of fame with open arms, a healthy smile and a bullet proof vest (just in case). Since Mr. Linus is a fictional character I will be sending him a fictional t-shirt.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
God Does NOT Want You to Get Swine Flu
Over here at "Where the Wild Things Were Last Thursday Around 8" we have a strict tolerance policy that demands every single race, religion, nationality and Robin Williams be given the benefit of the doubt before we go ahead and make fun of them. In fact, after posting something malicious we often spend a few hours upset at ourselves before we get over it by going to the local watering hole to drown our sorrows over a few pints of Jack Daniels (we also have a strict two drink minimum policy that effectively renders our consciences null and void by 6:00 PM every night). Still, even the fair minded, equal rights touting, neighbor loving jerk in the box has their breaking point; which is why I've decided that I would take matters into my own hands and sort a few things out for my staff as well as for you, my dear, dear reader. When I heard there are people out there willing to lose their jobs because they refuse to get the mandatory flu vaccination it was only a matter of time before I blew my lid and went straight to the source of the problem to cut down on all the jibber-jabber.
Pictured Above: The world's foremost scholar on Fool Pitying and Jibber-Jabbering.
Pictured Above: J.J "God Stumper" Abrams
Pictured Above: The world's foremost scholar on Fool Pitying and Jibber-Jabbering.I'm proud to say that God and I have known each other for years, and even though our friendship has had its ups and downs, we're still really close friends that check in on each other from time to time. God knows I'm not religious or spiritual and he's cool with that. He doesn't even care if I go to church or not, because He knows there are more important things to do than spend an hour a week worshiping him now that football season has started and the MLB playoffs start in a couple weeks. Not to mention He is a busy guy Himself, what with being the omnipotent creator of the universe and all He's got literally millions of other planets at different stages of development that need tending to. Shoot, He only spends a few weeks a year on Earth because his schedule is so crowded; which is why I'm truly honored that He took the time to sit down and have a real discussion with me.
Transcribed below is what I believed would be a brief interview with God that gradually expanded into a lengthy and friendly conversation, but when you're dealing with God time doesn't really matter and I'm sure He didn't even notice we went over.
Jimbolaya - I just want to say, on behalf of my readers and my staff and myself, thank You for taking time out of your unbelievably busy schedule to sit down with me today.
God - Of course, of course! I'm God! I can shift things around however I want.
J- Right, I always forget that, because you look like such a normal dude.
G - Well, to be fair, Jim I don't really look like anything, but, man, this one time, like thousands of years ago I appeared as a three headed dragon ensconced in flame and it freaked people out, so I thought it would be better if I made myself look more "human." (laughs)
J - That was probably the best decision.
G - Of course it was! I'm God. (laughs) I don't get things right all the time, but I don't make the same mistake twice, know what I mean?
J - Uh, do I need to remind you what happened that time we went to Ft. Lauderdale for the weekend and you kept saying, "oh there's no way I'm doing another shot," but every time the shot girl came by you were like "another round!" Do you remember how that ended?
G - Vaguely. (Laughs) No, of course I do, and I'll always remember you were the one that carried me that day. (laughs)
J - (Laughs) Okay, we have to get to this H1N1 thing.
G - Fine, fine. Let's hear it.
J - Do you, God, have any opposition whatsoever to New York State's recent mandate that all health care workers who regularly have either direct or indirect contact with patients must get a flu shot?
G - Of course I do! But, it has nothing to do with the sh_t people think it does. I'm all about free will, you know? People should be allowed to make their own decisions no matter how stupid they might be. Now, I do think if you are in the health care industry you would be smart enough to realize you need to get a flu shot to prevent the spread of the virus and to prevent yourself from getting sick. It's common sense, really.
J - Did you create the virus for any reason, or did it just happen?
G - Well, in a roundabout way I did create everything, but, no I did not directly create this virus. From what I understand two different strains of the flu virus were inhabiting the same pig and they combined to make the H1N1 strain that is causing so many problems.
J - God, couldn't you just put an end to the whole debate and show up and heal all the sick?
G - Why don't I stop all the violence while I'm at it? Listen, I could come down to Earth and make all the bad things stop, but that would completely annihilate free will as you and I know it. I created Man knowing full well human beings would be capable of solving almost all of the problems they face on their own. If I showed up every time there was a problem humanity would become too weak and would never be able to defend themselves against anything let alone a pesky virus.
J - But if you did interfere and put an end to all the "bad things" wouldn't we all be better off because of it, and wouldn't we all know you existed and be able to share in the joy that is your being?
G - Have you ever met a kid that was home schooled?
J - Not really.
G - Okay, because it's like that. Even though those kids parents think they are better off because they aren't exposing their children to the trials and tribulations of public or private schooling, when it comes time for those kids to get out into the real world and survive they are completely and utterly lost, for the most part. Those kids, when they hit puberty and their hormones go f_cking crazy and their body starts to change, their growth is ultimately stunted because they have no outlet for any of that tension. There is no social release. The boys don't get to talk about sex all day with a group of their guy friends, and the girls have no one to confide in when they reach womanhood except their mothers and that's just not healthy. The tension just builds and builds and builds, because they have no way to get it off their chests. Now, they may be perfectly normal people with a healthy family life and a great job, but they'll never really get the whole experience of being a human; which is a social experience.
J - What if they are part of a church group, or some other group where once or twice a week they get to hang out with kids their age and talk about things that kids talk about, like sex, sports and music?
G - It really isn't the same, because they are not immersed in it, but it helps. They get a quarter of an experience as opposed to the full thing, so that's something, but even though High School ruins a lot of lives on its own, it really is a necessary evil of the modern world. People need to interact with people and make their own decisions regarding those interactions. It's not rocket science and it shapes who you will ultimately become, and if your world consists of just your parents and your siblings and sparse interactions with your peers, it's going to be noticeable.
J - If you could change one thing about the human race and the world in general, what would that be?
G - Well, Jim, I can change any number of things, but I guess I would first try to straighten out the misconception that people are weak on their own, because they are most definitely not. They may not be as strong as Gorillas, but what they lack in physical strength they more than make up for in mental ability, and really, all the worlds problems come down to self esteem issues which stem from a poor body image or this idea that you just have to fit in with a certain crowd, and you don't. You really, really don't.
J - But, didn't you just say people are social and they need other people to realize their full potential? Doesn't that sort of speak to a group mindset? You can't preach individuality and conformity at the same time.
G - I'm speaking more along the lines of, well, here's an example; say there is a teenage girl who wants nothing more than to be popular, but she thinks she is too fat to be popular so she starves herself and when that doesn't work she becomes desperate and starts to think "oh, hey look at all those girl having sex, I'll start doing that and people will like me," so she becomes a slut and, even though people are paying more attention to her it's for all the wrong reasons, and at some point in time she'll realize she's just disgusted with herself because of the decisions she's made and it all snow balls from then on, because she never once thought that people would gravitate towards her if she was happy with who she was. You know what I mean? She relied so heavily on what other people thought that she never once asked herself what she thought? The lucky ones, the smart ones rather, go through similar periods but at some point in time figure it out and do things their own way and they are better off. What I'm trying to say is this: Humans need each other, but they don't need to do what everyone else is doing because everyone else is doing it, unless they want to of course, but that usually doesn't end well
J - You're a confusing guy, God. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, but I think I get it. You're saying that we all need to exercise free will, no matter what the cost, because that is what makes us human, and you've given us all the tools we'll ever need to survive and be strong on our own, including the abilities to tell right from wrong, cure diseases and save the environment so we shouldn't rely on the ideals of others to guide us when we're perfectly capable of making our own decisions, but we do need each other because some of us are better at science and math and others are better at reading and writing, but we are that much stronger when we all work together, but sometimes that group think mentality is more detrimental than it is helpful and the individuals involved should be able to discern whether or not they should go along or abandon ship... right? Yes? No? My head hurts.
G - (laughs) Well, it's not easy being the omnipotent creator of the universe as you know it, but you're definitely on the right track. How are we for time?
J - You tell me.
G - It's relative. I'm God. How about one more and I'll let you get back to work?
J - Sounds good. I'll try to think of a good one.
G - Please don't ask me if I'm really everywhere, because I'm not and I'm tired of explaining that. (Laughs)
J - Okay, fine... can you explain the plot of "Lost?"
G - Oh...
J - What?
G - I'm thinking.
J - I thought you were all knowing and all seeing, wouldn't the answer come instantaneously?
G - Uh...
J - You don't watch "Lost" do you? Come on!
G - No, I watch "Lost."
J - Okay, well, I just started season 5 so don't spoil it for me.
G - Dude...
J - You have no clue do you?
G - No, no I don't.
J - Man, I wanted to find out what the smoke monster was.
I'd like to thank God for taking part in this interview. It was one of the best experiences of my life, and don't forget to watch the final season of "Lost" on ABC this January! When most secrets of the island will be revealed.
Transcribed below is what I believed would be a brief interview with God that gradually expanded into a lengthy and friendly conversation, but when you're dealing with God time doesn't really matter and I'm sure He didn't even notice we went over.
Jimbolaya - I just want to say, on behalf of my readers and my staff and myself, thank You for taking time out of your unbelievably busy schedule to sit down with me today.
God - Of course, of course! I'm God! I can shift things around however I want.
J- Right, I always forget that, because you look like such a normal dude.
G - Well, to be fair, Jim I don't really look like anything, but, man, this one time, like thousands of years ago I appeared as a three headed dragon ensconced in flame and it freaked people out, so I thought it would be better if I made myself look more "human." (laughs)
J - That was probably the best decision.
G - Of course it was! I'm God. (laughs) I don't get things right all the time, but I don't make the same mistake twice, know what I mean?
J - Uh, do I need to remind you what happened that time we went to Ft. Lauderdale for the weekend and you kept saying, "oh there's no way I'm doing another shot," but every time the shot girl came by you were like "another round!" Do you remember how that ended?
G - Vaguely. (Laughs) No, of course I do, and I'll always remember you were the one that carried me that day. (laughs)
J - (Laughs) Okay, we have to get to this H1N1 thing.
G - Fine, fine. Let's hear it.
J - Do you, God, have any opposition whatsoever to New York State's recent mandate that all health care workers who regularly have either direct or indirect contact with patients must get a flu shot?
G - Of course I do! But, it has nothing to do with the sh_t people think it does. I'm all about free will, you know? People should be allowed to make their own decisions no matter how stupid they might be. Now, I do think if you are in the health care industry you would be smart enough to realize you need to get a flu shot to prevent the spread of the virus and to prevent yourself from getting sick. It's common sense, really.
J - Did you create the virus for any reason, or did it just happen?
G - Well, in a roundabout way I did create everything, but, no I did not directly create this virus. From what I understand two different strains of the flu virus were inhabiting the same pig and they combined to make the H1N1 strain that is causing so many problems.
J - God, couldn't you just put an end to the whole debate and show up and heal all the sick?
G - Why don't I stop all the violence while I'm at it? Listen, I could come down to Earth and make all the bad things stop, but that would completely annihilate free will as you and I know it. I created Man knowing full well human beings would be capable of solving almost all of the problems they face on their own. If I showed up every time there was a problem humanity would become too weak and would never be able to defend themselves against anything let alone a pesky virus.
J - But if you did interfere and put an end to all the "bad things" wouldn't we all be better off because of it, and wouldn't we all know you existed and be able to share in the joy that is your being?
G - Have you ever met a kid that was home schooled?
J - Not really.
G - Okay, because it's like that. Even though those kids parents think they are better off because they aren't exposing their children to the trials and tribulations of public or private schooling, when it comes time for those kids to get out into the real world and survive they are completely and utterly lost, for the most part. Those kids, when they hit puberty and their hormones go f_cking crazy and their body starts to change, their growth is ultimately stunted because they have no outlet for any of that tension. There is no social release. The boys don't get to talk about sex all day with a group of their guy friends, and the girls have no one to confide in when they reach womanhood except their mothers and that's just not healthy. The tension just builds and builds and builds, because they have no way to get it off their chests. Now, they may be perfectly normal people with a healthy family life and a great job, but they'll never really get the whole experience of being a human; which is a social experience.
J - What if they are part of a church group, or some other group where once or twice a week they get to hang out with kids their age and talk about things that kids talk about, like sex, sports and music?
G - It really isn't the same, because they are not immersed in it, but it helps. They get a quarter of an experience as opposed to the full thing, so that's something, but even though High School ruins a lot of lives on its own, it really is a necessary evil of the modern world. People need to interact with people and make their own decisions regarding those interactions. It's not rocket science and it shapes who you will ultimately become, and if your world consists of just your parents and your siblings and sparse interactions with your peers, it's going to be noticeable.
J - If you could change one thing about the human race and the world in general, what would that be?
G - Well, Jim, I can change any number of things, but I guess I would first try to straighten out the misconception that people are weak on their own, because they are most definitely not. They may not be as strong as Gorillas, but what they lack in physical strength they more than make up for in mental ability, and really, all the worlds problems come down to self esteem issues which stem from a poor body image or this idea that you just have to fit in with a certain crowd, and you don't. You really, really don't.
J - But, didn't you just say people are social and they need other people to realize their full potential? Doesn't that sort of speak to a group mindset? You can't preach individuality and conformity at the same time.
G - I'm speaking more along the lines of, well, here's an example; say there is a teenage girl who wants nothing more than to be popular, but she thinks she is too fat to be popular so she starves herself and when that doesn't work she becomes desperate and starts to think "oh, hey look at all those girl having sex, I'll start doing that and people will like me," so she becomes a slut and, even though people are paying more attention to her it's for all the wrong reasons, and at some point in time she'll realize she's just disgusted with herself because of the decisions she's made and it all snow balls from then on, because she never once thought that people would gravitate towards her if she was happy with who she was. You know what I mean? She relied so heavily on what other people thought that she never once asked herself what she thought? The lucky ones, the smart ones rather, go through similar periods but at some point in time figure it out and do things their own way and they are better off. What I'm trying to say is this: Humans need each other, but they don't need to do what everyone else is doing because everyone else is doing it, unless they want to of course, but that usually doesn't end well
J - You're a confusing guy, God. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, but I think I get it. You're saying that we all need to exercise free will, no matter what the cost, because that is what makes us human, and you've given us all the tools we'll ever need to survive and be strong on our own, including the abilities to tell right from wrong, cure diseases and save the environment so we shouldn't rely on the ideals of others to guide us when we're perfectly capable of making our own decisions, but we do need each other because some of us are better at science and math and others are better at reading and writing, but we are that much stronger when we all work together, but sometimes that group think mentality is more detrimental than it is helpful and the individuals involved should be able to discern whether or not they should go along or abandon ship... right? Yes? No? My head hurts.
G - (laughs) Well, it's not easy being the omnipotent creator of the universe as you know it, but you're definitely on the right track. How are we for time?
J - You tell me.
G - It's relative. I'm God. How about one more and I'll let you get back to work?
J - Sounds good. I'll try to think of a good one.
G - Please don't ask me if I'm really everywhere, because I'm not and I'm tired of explaining that. (Laughs)
J - Okay, fine... can you explain the plot of "Lost?"
G - Oh...
J - What?
G - I'm thinking.
J - I thought you were all knowing and all seeing, wouldn't the answer come instantaneously?
G - Uh...
J - You don't watch "Lost" do you? Come on!
G - No, I watch "Lost."
J - Okay, well, I just started season 5 so don't spoil it for me.
G - Dude...
J - You have no clue do you?
G - No, no I don't.
J - Man, I wanted to find out what the smoke monster was.
I'd like to thank God for taking part in this interview. It was one of the best experiences of my life, and don't forget to watch the final season of "Lost" on ABC this January! When most secrets of the island will be revealed.
Pictured Above: J.J "God Stumper" Abrams
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
