Last Minute Gift Suggestions

Holy Sh_t! Christmas is only two days away and you probably didn't even remember to buy me something, but that's okay, I don't expect my readers to send me gifts to show their appreciation. A few kind words and a satchel full of money is really all I need, but if you absolutely must get me something for Christmas, please allow me to help you navigate the rocky waters of my desire, so that you (my reader) may pick out the perfect gift for your humble and grateful author. After all, I've bared my soul so many times on these pages that it seems fair that, after so many extremely personal posts that have made me tear up as I wrote them, you would want to send along something to let me know you care or enjoyed my work and don't want to find me slumped over an empty bottle of cheap whiskey some day soon.

In order of "least amount of want" to "most want" these are the gifts you, my dear reader, may want to consider when shopping for me, your favorite blogger.

"Least Amount of Want" Will Ferrell: You're Welcome America - A Final Night With George W. Bush

I am a sucker for Will Ferrell and pretty much anything he puts out that doesn't have Land of the Lost in the title, so when a friend of mine told me he was going to a sneak preview, limited audience (read: super special, expensive) off-Broadway production of what would become You're Welcome America in it's earliest stages, I nearly stabbed him in the throat out of sheer jealousy. Instead of performing some of the old ultra violence I decided to take on a more mature role and practice patience as best I could; biding my time until You're Welcome was on DVD. The only problem is I forgot all about it until a few weeks ago when I saw an advertisement for it on IMDB. Soon thereafter I started dropping hints to my girlfriend, my sisters and, as a last ditch effort, my coworkers in the hopes they would take it upon themselves to provide me with my annual dose of Ferrell based humor. Couple Mr. Ferrell's preternatural ability to be witty while being dumb with his spot on George W. Bush impression and I am more than chomping at the bit to devour what I believe will be the most deserving farewell to one of America's most atrocious, yet hilariously dumbfounded, presidents. Only Will Ferrell could do such a thing and make me laugh about the dismal memory of the last eight years.

"Kind of, sorta, want it more than I should" A gift certificate to Target

There's something about Target that I can't resist. I can, literally, spend entire days walking between the isles without ever feeling bored or frustrated, and, oddly without ever purchasing a single item. I've done this more often than a heterosexual male in his mid to late twenties should admit in public, but such is the allure of the almighty Target. No, their clothing isn't the best made apparel on the planet, and yes their furniture is more flimsy than the average Ikea lamp, but who cares? It's Target! They have almost everything you'll ever need in the history of the world and it's all under one roof, and available for low, low prices (but not so low as to make you feel dirty, cheap and destitute). It's like Walmart for people who can read, write and breathe with their mouths closed, and I, for one, would finally like to walk out of Target with a red and white bulls eye decorated bag of goodies.

Also, check out this absolutely wonderful commercial featuring WTWTWLTA8 comedy goddess, Maria Bamford; which only serves to better prove my point about how f_ckdiculously awesome Target really is.

"Want" A New Pair of Puma Sneakers

I used to be the kind of guy who would feel naked if I walked out of the house with out a pair of dress shoes on (this is one of the weird side effects of going to a school that had a strictly enforced dress code), but as I've aged and comfort has superseded style in almost every facet of my life (and there are far fewer rulers around to rap my knuckles), I've found that nothing beats a sweet pair of Puma's when it comes to stepping out on the town, going to work, or just kickin' it back to the old school like a member of the Sugar Hill Gang. I currently own three pairs of Pumas that are quickly deteriorating due to excessive wear and tear, and one pair is really supposed to be used on the golf course exclusively, but they can easily double as a kick-ass pair of travelers (which is golftard speak for shoes that are appropriate on and off the course due to their lack of spikes and increased tread). Really, any pair will do, but be sure to send along the receipt as my shoe size, especially when it comes to Pumas, varies between 12 and 13 and I wouldn't want you to waste your money on a pair of shoes that didn't fit me.

"Really Want" Big Fan on DVD

This movie is the one that got away from me in 2009 due to it being independent and not readily available at any of the local theaters in my area, not even my precious indie darling movie house that is generally my last bastion of hope when it comes to movies that otherwise go unnoticed or unseen. In other words, I was famously pissed off when I read that I would not be able to see Big Fan until an exclusive screening on January 9th, 2010; which, is sort of okay because the writer/directer will be present for a Q+A session after the film is done. Still, as excited as I am for the possibility of rubbing shoulders with a man who was once The Onions editor and the writer of last years incredibly poignant The Wrestler, I'm going to need to own this movie as soon as possible (which, by the way, is January 12th). Not to mention it stars one of my favorite people ever, Patton Oswalt as the put upon protagonist in a role that is garnering so much praise and attention that I'm stupefied by the lack of award season heat surrounding this film. Pre-Ordering is available right now. Don't hesitate at the chance to immerse yourself in my good graces, and, while you're at it, order yourself a copy too, after all it was Nathan Rabin's (my favorite journalist working today, and head writer over at The AV Club) favorite movie of 2009. It pretty much has to be good.

"Most Want" The Big Rewind: A Memoir Brought To You By Pop Culture by Nathan Rabin

Speaking of Mr. Rabin, he wrote a book last year about his life growing up dealing with depression and life in a group home through his love of popular culture. I've read brief excerpts that were posted at The AV Club, and from those little snippets I can only say that I am, literally, dieing inside each day I go without reading the entire thing from cover to cover. As you've probably guessed, if you are a regular around her, I too dealt with the lions share of my mental issues by immersing myself in books, movies, comics and other pieces of pop-culture detritus that many people overlook or just don't understand. That's not to say I am a snarky bastard all the time or that I look down my nose at people because I can tell you more about The X-Men than I can about, say, World War II. It is, however, my belief that in Mr. Rabin I have found a kindred spirit, though it seems our experiences have been vastly different as I have never spent time in an institution of any sort, and my depression and mania come and go like the tide. Still, this is the only thing I legitimately asked for this year, and I cannot tell you how happy I will be if I wake up Christmas morning and see a book shaped package waiting for me under the tree.

I Like You... Maria Bamford

"I like you..." is a recurring section of "Where the Wild Things Were Last Thursday Around 8" which highlights the best of the best, the cream of the crop, the people, places and things that make each and every day a little more bearable just because they happen to exist.

I can't believe it took me this long to get around to electing a stand-up comedian to the "I Like You..." hall of fame, and I really can't believe it took me this long to elect a woman. So, I'm pleased to announce that the newest member of the "I Like You..." hall of fame is none other than the mistress of a million voices and the funniest f_cking female comedian I've ever seen, Maria Bamford.

You're welcome, World.

There's a good chance you've never heard of Maria Bamford, or Morgan Murphy or any number of super talented, super funny female comics working right now, because being a female stand-up comedian is incredibly difficult. I don't know why, because the funniest person I ever knew (my mother) was a woman, and no one makes me laugh harder or more often than my girlfriend, so why is it that female comedians are treated like second class citizens in the comedy world? Are we really still stuck in a "men only" vortex of comedy that gave us such talented individuals as Dane Cook or Larry the Cable Guy? No, that can't be right. Sarah Silverman is almost a bonafide celebrity these days, so what gives? Do you have to be a potty mouthed brunette with a fetish for making people feel awkward to succeed in comedy as a woman? Or would the general public rather watch a dumpy, balding middle aged man rant about politics and his barren sex life for 20 minutes at a time? Honestly, I'm asking you, my reader to tell me what the f_ck is going on, because this just can't stand. I truly believe that some of the funniest comedians of all time have been women. Lucille Ball, Phyllis Diller, Rita Rudner, Ellen Degeneres, Roseanne and any number of the other women who made a name for themselves in what was largely a boys club. (Full disclosure: I hate Whoopi Goldberg with a passion, but it has nothing to do with her being a woman, and everything to do with the lack of comedy that takes place in her "act") So why isn't Maria breathtakingly famous right now? Why isn't she hosting her own day time talk show battling Oprah and Ellen for ratings? I don't know if there will ever be an answer to that question that actually makes sense.

I don't want to get into an overly long discussion about sexism in the comedy world, because this is not the time or the place. This is when I'm honoring Maria Bamford for her contributions to the world of comedy. So, without going into too much detail, I'd just like to point out that Ms. Bamford is more than a slew of silly voices, warped characters and odd songs. She's a stellar performer and an incredibly intelligent and subversive writer. Why not take a look for yourself?

She's awesome right? I mean, look how seemlessly she slips from one voice to the next. You've got to be quick to keep up with Maria's quirk, because if you blink you might miss something beautiful. Her transitions are, in my opinion, the best in the business. They are not quite non-sequiturs, but they're definitely disjointed, and somehow everything flows so naturally it makes me wonder what special kind of mental disorder Maria has that allows her to control the voices in her head with such effortless grace. I know when I'm on stage I say "uhm" more than I should and my go to line when I'm stuck between bits is "what else," and let me tell you, when you're an audience member and a guy like me is sputtering out a bunch of poorly written jokes that are even more poorly performed, its infuriating at worst and annoying as hell at best. Guys like me, the hacks of the comedy world, are peanuts compared to the brilliant mind of Maria Bamford.

I'm positive that if you put me in a room with my current comedy heroes (Patton Oswalt, Zach Galifianakis, David Cross, Eugene Mirman, Brian Posehn, Dana Gould etc.) not only would I be awed by their presence, but the only one I would be nervous about talking to would be Maria Bamford. I don't know that I could keep up with her. I don't know whether or not I would try to make some zany comment that would derail the conversation and set it into a sh_t spiral of awkward pauses and disgrunteld sighs, because I'd most likely try to recite her act back to her and explain why it is so damn good. With that I'm going to make the election of Maria Bamford in the "I Like You..." hall of fame officail.

As usual, Ms. Bamford, you can expect a complimentary "I like you..." hall of fame t-shirt* within the next 6-8 weeks. Thank you for everything you've done for comedy in general and for the countless times you've made me laugh. Mark my words, madame, your time will come and the entire world will know your name.

*there will be no t-shirt