Last Minute Gift Suggestions

Holy Sh_t! Christmas is only two days away and you probably didn't even remember to buy me something, but that's okay, I don't expect my readers to send me gifts to show their appreciation. A few kind words and a satchel full of money is really all I need, but if you absolutely must get me something for Christmas, please allow me to help you navigate the rocky waters of my desire, so that you (my reader) may pick out the perfect gift for your humble and grateful author. After all, I've bared my soul so many times on these pages that it seems fair that, after so many extremely personal posts that have made me tear up as I wrote them, you would want to send along something to let me know you care or enjoyed my work and don't want to find me slumped over an empty bottle of cheap whiskey some day soon.

In order of "least amount of want" to "most want" these are the gifts you, my dear reader, may want to consider when shopping for me, your favorite blogger.

"Least Amount of Want" Will Ferrell: You're Welcome America - A Final Night With George W. Bush

I am a sucker for Will Ferrell and pretty much anything he puts out that doesn't have Land of the Lost in the title, so when a friend of mine told me he was going to a sneak preview, limited audience (read: super special, expensive) off-Broadway production of what would become You're Welcome America in it's earliest stages, I nearly stabbed him in the throat out of sheer jealousy. Instead of performing some of the old ultra violence I decided to take on a more mature role and practice patience as best I could; biding my time until You're Welcome was on DVD. The only problem is I forgot all about it until a few weeks ago when I saw an advertisement for it on IMDB. Soon thereafter I started dropping hints to my girlfriend, my sisters and, as a last ditch effort, my coworkers in the hopes they would take it upon themselves to provide me with my annual dose of Ferrell based humor. Couple Mr. Ferrell's preternatural ability to be witty while being dumb with his spot on George W. Bush impression and I am more than chomping at the bit to devour what I believe will be the most deserving farewell to one of America's most atrocious, yet hilariously dumbfounded, presidents. Only Will Ferrell could do such a thing and make me laugh about the dismal memory of the last eight years.

"Kind of, sorta, want it more than I should" A gift certificate to Target

There's something about Target that I can't resist. I can, literally, spend entire days walking between the isles without ever feeling bored or frustrated, and, oddly without ever purchasing a single item. I've done this more often than a heterosexual male in his mid to late twenties should admit in public, but such is the allure of the almighty Target. No, their clothing isn't the best made apparel on the planet, and yes their furniture is more flimsy than the average Ikea lamp, but who cares? It's Target! They have almost everything you'll ever need in the history of the world and it's all under one roof, and available for low, low prices (but not so low as to make you feel dirty, cheap and destitute). It's like Walmart for people who can read, write and breathe with their mouths closed, and I, for one, would finally like to walk out of Target with a red and white bulls eye decorated bag of goodies.

Also, check out this absolutely wonderful commercial featuring WTWTWLTA8 comedy goddess, Maria Bamford; which only serves to better prove my point about how f_ckdiculously awesome Target really is.

"Want" A New Pair of Puma Sneakers

I used to be the kind of guy who would feel naked if I walked out of the house with out a pair of dress shoes on (this is one of the weird side effects of going to a school that had a strictly enforced dress code), but as I've aged and comfort has superseded style in almost every facet of my life (and there are far fewer rulers around to rap my knuckles), I've found that nothing beats a sweet pair of Puma's when it comes to stepping out on the town, going to work, or just kickin' it back to the old school like a member of the Sugar Hill Gang. I currently own three pairs of Pumas that are quickly deteriorating due to excessive wear and tear, and one pair is really supposed to be used on the golf course exclusively, but they can easily double as a kick-ass pair of travelers (which is golftard speak for shoes that are appropriate on and off the course due to their lack of spikes and increased tread). Really, any pair will do, but be sure to send along the receipt as my shoe size, especially when it comes to Pumas, varies between 12 and 13 and I wouldn't want you to waste your money on a pair of shoes that didn't fit me.

"Really Want" Big Fan on DVD

This movie is the one that got away from me in 2009 due to it being independent and not readily available at any of the local theaters in my area, not even my precious indie darling movie house that is generally my last bastion of hope when it comes to movies that otherwise go unnoticed or unseen. In other words, I was famously pissed off when I read that I would not be able to see Big Fan until an exclusive screening on January 9th, 2010; which, is sort of okay because the writer/directer will be present for a Q+A session after the film is done. Still, as excited as I am for the possibility of rubbing shoulders with a man who was once The Onions editor and the writer of last years incredibly poignant The Wrestler, I'm going to need to own this movie as soon as possible (which, by the way, is January 12th). Not to mention it stars one of my favorite people ever, Patton Oswalt as the put upon protagonist in a role that is garnering so much praise and attention that I'm stupefied by the lack of award season heat surrounding this film. Pre-Ordering is available right now. Don't hesitate at the chance to immerse yourself in my good graces, and, while you're at it, order yourself a copy too, after all it was Nathan Rabin's (my favorite journalist working today, and head writer over at The AV Club) favorite movie of 2009. It pretty much has to be good.

"Most Want" The Big Rewind: A Memoir Brought To You By Pop Culture by Nathan Rabin

Speaking of Mr. Rabin, he wrote a book last year about his life growing up dealing with depression and life in a group home through his love of popular culture. I've read brief excerpts that were posted at The AV Club, and from those little snippets I can only say that I am, literally, dieing inside each day I go without reading the entire thing from cover to cover. As you've probably guessed, if you are a regular around her, I too dealt with the lions share of my mental issues by immersing myself in books, movies, comics and other pieces of pop-culture detritus that many people overlook or just don't understand. That's not to say I am a snarky bastard all the time or that I look down my nose at people because I can tell you more about The X-Men than I can about, say, World War II. It is, however, my belief that in Mr. Rabin I have found a kindred spirit, though it seems our experiences have been vastly different as I have never spent time in an institution of any sort, and my depression and mania come and go like the tide. Still, this is the only thing I legitimately asked for this year, and I cannot tell you how happy I will be if I wake up Christmas morning and see a book shaped package waiting for me under the tree.