A Note On Stealing

Reader, let me spin you a tale of discontent and anti-merriment brought to you by the tortured souls of the stand-up comedy open mic night at Boulder Coffee Co. in Rochester, NY (every Sunday at 8! Hosted by Bryan J. Ball! I plug things!).

A good friend of mine, Billy T. Anglin, and I were hanging out at my house a few weeks ago before the open mic at Boulder Coffee Co. talking through our upcoming sets, drinking a few beers and writing down ideas that we came up with in conversation. This is how I do my best "writing" for the stage. I have a terrible time sitting down and trying to write jokes, because I get bored with it quickly, but mainly because I believe that my best stuff comes up on the fly; which is why I usually have a very small notebook and a pen with me to jot down the stupid things I find funny and hope to shoehorn into my set. Billy, on the other hand, actually sits down and writes out his stuff in a very diligent, professional manner that I am jealous of. I one time asked him, "Hey, Billy how do you get through writer's block?" I got 6 text messages back to back describing a very scientific approach to writing jokes that I immediately deleted for fear that it would creep into my mind and make me feel even more worthless than I normally do. We spent a few hours together, Billy and I, getting ready for the show. It was fun. I got a little drunk, came up with some ideas for bits I'm still working on and really enjoyed myself in the process.

My other friend and I, Bryan J. Ball (mentioned above in the shameless plug for the open-mic he hosts at Boulder Coffee Co. in Rochester, NY on Sunday nights at 8) hang out a lot during the week. We grab a few beers at Tap and Mallet or go out together with our girlfriends or he makes me amazing mac and cheese and I eat it. I'm going out on a limb here when I say this, but when Bryan and I start riffing on something the jokes that come out of it are phenomenal and usually more suited to him than to me, because I can only think of one joke I've done on stage that has come from our conversations and I was less than pleased with it. Bryan is also a writer, I think, because he takes the usable chunks of our conversation and crafts them into a longer format that translates incredibly well on stage. I've never seen him sit down and write out a joke, but I have about 4,000 texts on my phone from him about 1 joke, so I know he thinks about it and works hard to make sure his set is tight, timed well and something to be proud of.

What Bryan, Billy and 95% of the comics that do open mics in Rochester have in common is that they work really f_cking hard on their material. Actually, this is pretty much the case across the board with stand-up comedians. It's really difficult to write good, solid jokes that will play in almost any room you can think of, and it takes a metric shit ton of effort to figure out the pacing, timing and presentation (this is something I am starting to work on more, as I'm beginning to realize I suck). Until a few weeks ago I had only heard some comics use a line or a phrase that sounded similar to the work of another, better known comedian, and until a few weeks ago I had never known what it felt like to be in a room when the audience has little to no clue that the person on stage is lifting his entire set from someone, yet all the comics do.

The tension, needless to say, was palpable and disturbing.

I'm not going to name names, but it rhymes with Shmantonio (which is how he'll be referred to from here on out), who was a first timer, energetic and overly confident on such a huge level that it bordered on psychopathic or sociopathic delusion. I watched with the audience as Shmantonio prowled around the stage, yelling loudly and enthusiastically into the microphone with timing eerily precise for a guy who had never done stand-up before. It felt more polished and put together than the sets of some people who have been doing stand-up for months. The honeymoon phase lasted about 2 minutes.

After that, I started hearing punchlines and set ups that sounded strangely familiar; which honestly isn't that rare, because comics do tend to pounce on similar subjects, have similar opinions or mindsets that make their material sound like someone elses and vice versa. There's a reason every comic in the country told the same Tiger Woods joke when they heard about his car accident and the fallout that came after it, it's because everyone thought of a Tiger Woods joke and told it on stage, but if you were paying attention you'd notice that only the theme was shared and not the entire joke (for the most part). It's just the way things go and it's the main reason a lot of the more successful people in the stand-up business do not do pop culture, this just happened yesterday humor, because it's timely and not timeless and grows old faster than a shitty peach. This wasn't Shmantonio's case.

Shmantonio completely ripped off 5-7 minutes of Martin Lawrence's stand-up. Yes, Martin Lawrence. Yes, the same Martin Lawrence that brandished a pistol while screaming at tourists on Ventura Blvd.. Yes, the same Martin Lawrence who almost died because he went jogging in 100 degree heat wearing several layers of clothing. Shmantonio decided to rip off the star of Big Mamma's House, because evidently Shmantonio thought that a room full of comedy nerds (mostly white comedy nerds, so I can see why he would racistly think none of us would even be aware of Martin Lawrence, let alone be able to recognize his material... seriously, now that I just wrote that, I'm even more pissed. What a dicknose) wouldn't notice. Big. F_cking. Mistake.

I'm an idiot, as I've said countless times right on this very blog, so it took me a lot longer to catch what was going on than the other comics in the room who noticed almost immediately. The host, Bryan J. Ball (remember, Boulder Coffee Co. in Rochester, NY, Sunday nights at 8) got pissed. Dan "I'm Already Mad At Everything" Maslyn got pissed. Billy T. Anglin was mildly upset; which for him is like being pissed. Everyone who caught it was upset, as they should've been, but this was his first time and we all must have thought "ah, he'll never come back, just let it go..."

Two weeks go by and Shmantonio returns to Boulder Coffee Co. in Rochester, NY (which has a stand up comedy open-mic night on Sundays, at 8). Being the consummate gentlemen and host that he is, Bryan cautiously warned the audience and all fellow comedians that "stealing other people's material will not be tolerated," and to stick it to Shmantonio and see whether or not he had evolved and recognized the error of his ways, Bryan put the plagiarist up first. The weird thing is, neither I nor Bryan nor Billy thought that he had lifted someone else's stuff at the beginning of his set and we had decided "well, he doesn't steal, he's just terrible." Fair enough. We were dicks to assume the worst anyway... or were we? (Hint: We weren't.)

Luckily for us and the audience another comic went up to Bryan and said "I can pull the YouTube clip of Martin Lawrence up right now and show you where he stole this from." This is the point where everyone started to get a little crazy about what was happening, so crazy, in fact, that I actually did very well that night; which doesn't happen as I am terrible. Bryan, again being a gentlemen (though, pissed off and ready to make with the punching should he be pushed enough) went outside to talk to Shmantonio and advise him on what to do in as nice a way as possible. I snuck out with them to eavesdrop and be ready to support my friend should the shit hit the proverbial fan. Bryan didn't out and out ban Shmantonio, but he told him he couldn't come back the following week (which means you really need to pounce on the chance to see the open mic this week before Shmantonio drags his shit cloud back into the building) and needed to write his own material or he wouldn't be welcomed back. Bryan even went so far as to say "you can come back and watch, but you're not going on stage" The conversation was more polite than I thought it was going to be.

But, Shmantonio didn't leave; which would have been the proper response after getting called out on stealing. Shmantonio should have slipped out of the side door quietly with his head down (and walked straight into traffic... I really hate this mother f_cker, by the way) and gone home to think about what he just did, but he didn't; he stayed and decided to be a jackass. I mean, a complete and total jackass who sat in the audience and cackled and basked in the attention like some freak of nature who, due to an evolutionary mishap, didn't have shame or the wherewithal to understand he was goading people into getting increasingly more angry with him.

His whooping and hollering and idiocy lasted the rest of the night. Even as people pointed out, on stage, that he was a thieving bastard who deserved to get pinched rigorously by the ghost of Andre The Giant until the pain was so unbearable he could do nothing but submit to the sweet release of a coma; which he would remain in for years and years until waking up one day to find the world completely bereft of the memory of Martin Lawrence, thus creating the opportunity Shmantonio needed to kill at Boulder (which, by the time he awoke from his pinch induced coma would have been renamed Bryan's House O' Coffee and Jokes). But I digress.

What I came to realize through gritted teeth and angrily clenched buttocks is that Shmantonio very well might be insane, or just painfully stupid, I can't decide and part of me, for a minute, started to feel sorry for him. I started to think "here's a guy who really doesn't have the mental facilities available to him that most of us do. I bet he lives in a group home surrounded by people who have other, similar disabilities, and his only joy is watching Martin Lawrence stand-up specials on VHS when all the other people go to sleep." I thought, "Maybe the only memory he has of his mother or father is of them watching Martin on Fox when he was younger, and this is some twisted idea of a tribute to the quickly fleeting memory of his life the way it used to be." I thought, "Jesus f_cking Christ now I'm going insane. This guy is just a gigantic, sociopathic prick who has no idea what's wrong with what he did and I guarantee he'll come back in two weeks and do the same f_cking thing." Which I dearly hope he does not do, because I am frightened by the possibility of comics getting into an actual fist fight with each other, because it would be the most unintentionally gay fight in the history of fights as most comedians actually developed their humor as a way to avoid getting punched in the face. Except Maslyn.

Looking from the outside, you're probably thinking "what's the big deal?" And you'd be an asshole for thinking that, but not really to blame if you don't do stand-up. There is a common misconception among people that comedians just go up on stage and be funny, that they don't work hard to nail a joke down perfectly or that jokes are just community property that anyone can cherry pick and do on stage if they want to. Nothing is further from the truth. Comics work really f_cking hard on their jokes; which is why when no one laughs it can be crippling, but when they do it's the best feeling in the world. It really is. So when some dickfaced piece of shit waltzes in after putting zero effort into his set, because he just rewatched a DVD a few times and memorized another person's jokes, the stand-up comedians who live for their weekly open mic, and put so much of their self esteem on the line in the process (like myself and others) get pretty upset. And we have every right to be. Those 5-7 minutes mean so freaking much to most of us, and to have someone come in and make it seem like all we do is other people's jokes just isn't tolerated. That's why we get mad. That's why, not some stupid superficial reason. It runs much deeper than that.

I just thought you might want to know.

UPDATE: Shmantonio came back last night to Boulder Coffee Co. in Rochester, NY. Completely disregarding the fact that the host, Bryan J. Ball, was more than nice in saying "take a week off," which meant "do not come back next week expecting to perform," yet he did and he made it awkward and dark, because like the huge pile of dick that he is, he sat right next to the stage and stared at everyone. I did tell him to f_ck off while I was on stage, which is one of my prouder moments, and another comic called him a "joke stealing piece of shit" when Shmantonio was trying to heckle him.

Here's the thing, reader, my fellow comics and I are giving this cretin too much attention and starting this morning I am in no way going to enable his douchebaggery by even acknowledging his existence. I suggest we all do the same.

Equal Grounds Stand Up Comedy Extravaganza!

TONIGHT at 9! All you need is $5 and a sense of humor!



Because I dropped the ball and submitted the event too late to some of the local papers and web pages that promote things of this nature, I've taken it upon myself to do a little something here on my web page to support my friends and fellow comedians who will be appearing tonight at Equal Grounds Coffee House and Gift Shop in Rochester, NY (750 South Ave.).

Bryan J. Ball, Making With The Funny

The host of tonight's show is none other than my friend, neighbor and insanely funny comedian Bryan J. Ball. Bryan has been doing stand-up in Rochester and beyond for a little more than a year and he is honestly one of the areas biggest rising stars. He hosts the weekly open mic at Boulder Coffee Co. on Sunday's; which are not to be missed if you are a fan of comedy, and is also the areas longest running event of its kind. If you like smart, charming, creative humor you really do not want to miss out on seeing Bryan perform tonight. Not to mention he is an incredible host who manages to bring a room up and down with him at the drop of a hat. I really can't tell you how highly I think of Bryan (very).

You know what's hard to find on the internet? A picture of Vinnie Paulino.

Tonight's featured comedian is, by and large, one of Western New York's best stand-up comedians, Vinnie Paulino. Regularly hosts at The Comedy Club in Webster, NY, Vinnie shows a wide range of amazing comedic skill that can be at times charming, disarming, genius and goofy, but he's never not funny. I've had the pleasure of seeing Vinnie perform on numerous occasions and he's never disappointed the crowd or his fellow comedians with the way we can absolutely command a room with his charisma. No other comic in Rochester has his way with crowds as often or as easily as Vinnie, mark my words: you will laugh your ass off.

I am staying up way past my bedtime just to see Ms. Becker perform tonight, you should too.

Tonight's headliner, Kristen Becker, was a semi-finalist on Last Comic Standing and named one of CURVE magazines "America's funniest lesbians" and started and still hosts the "Doin' Time Comedy Showcase" at Nietzsche's in Buffalo, NY (one of the Rust Belt's premier stand-up open mic destinations). Now, I have never had the pleasure of seeing Ms. Becker perform live (because I am a hermit who hates leaving his house unless there is a zombie apocalypse or meteorite headed right for me), but I am more than excited. Every comedian I have talked to has described Kristen's shows as "can't miss;" which, coming from other comedians is basically like being anointed as the second coming of all things comedy. So, am I excited? Yes, incredibly so. If you live in Rochester you really need to find a way to get to Equal Grounds tonight and check out Kristen's comedy, she doesn't get around here very often, so you really, really, honestly, truly, literally do not want to skip out on this opportunity to see her live in a small venue before she is selling out entire stadiums.

TO RECAP:
Tonight's show starts at 9, but get there early so you can get a good seat. It is at Equal Grounds Coffee and Gift Shop, located at 750 South Ave. in Rochester, NY and costs $5. Hosted by Bryan J. Ball, featuring Vinnie Paulino and headlined by Kristen Becker, it is sure to be something Rochestarians will not want to miss. I promise.

Support Your Local Comedian

In between sips of Jameson, standing to the side of the stage at Boulder Coffee Co. in Rochester, NY last night at the comedy open mic I felt, for the first time, that I was part of something bigger than my own intentions. Shoulder to shoulder with some of the smartest, funniest people in the entire city I knew I was where I belonged and, though I may not be on their level or anywhere near their ability, felt accepted into a strange club where the members meet in public a few times a week to tell jokes to a room full of strangers. And, now I'm hooked. More than hooked, obsessed with the idea of growing and supporting the comedy scene in Rochester as best as I can; while, obviously, trying my hand at it as well.

Having said that, I'm sure more than a few of the comics that performed last night would disagree with me. They don't really know me from a hole in the wall, but we chatted amicably and traded some zingers back and forth like I imagine established comics (like Patton Oswalt, David Cross, Brian Posehn, etc.) do every night in green rooms and backstage areas across the country. It was, pathetically, a dream come true for me to rub shoulders with the likes of Vinny Paulino, Dan Maslyn and Dr. Will; whom I've seen perform countless times but had rarely approached before or during a show. I didn't feel worthy of inclusion into their secret society of funny people, but after a little more than two months doing open mics around town I felt comfortable not only with my ability, but in their company and that has made my life a whole hell of a lot easier and my stand-up a whole hell of a lot better.

I know I'm gushing uncontrollably right now, but I can't help myself, so please forgive me for showing human emotions and blogging riotously about my love of all things having to do with Rochester, NY comedy. There's just too much talent in my hometown to ignore now, and the fact that I get to hobnob with them, delusional though it may be, has made me the happiest I've been in a very long time. Really, though, this post should be about encouraging you, my faithful reader, to go out and support these people as much as you can.

The open-mic night, Sundays at Boulder Coffee Co. at 8:00, is free and features -in my opinion- the best stand up comedy in Rochester at the moment and the crowds have been showing up in full force over the past month or so; which has been great, but I'm crippled with dread that once the summer ends and people start heading to college or get back to work or do whatever they do that keeps them from going out on a Sunday night, the crowds will dry up. This can't happen, fellow Rochestarians and readers from abroad, and I don't plan on letting it happen as long as I'm involved. I will, badger you with my belligerence on these pages and on twitter where I will shamelessly self promote myself and humbly request your attendance and laughs for the other comedy minds my hometown has to offer, and they are legion.

I feel now, that I can kind of, sort of introduce you to the cream of the crop with brief profiles here in this blog; just to wet your whistle and encourage you to come join in the fun, so let's give this a try.

Host of All Hosts: Bryan J. Ball.

True story: Bryan lives about 4 houses down from me on the same street and we did not meet until the end of last week's open mic night at Boulder. Truer Story: He is one of the funniest people I've ever met or seen perform. He is a slick crafter of jokes and makes with the funny on a painfully regular basis that makes me boil with jealous rage. He makes it look so easy I almost expect him to take the mask off and reveal himself to be Louis C.K. in disguise. If he doesn't make it big outside of Rochester I will be shocked, amazed and disappointed to the point where I'll be inconsolable for days on end. Good thing I'm pretty sure it's going to happen for him though, when you're that good, you generally don't fail.

Jokes That Make You Go, Huh?: Wes Bauer

Every time I've done stand-up since I got back into it 8 week ago I've had the pleasure of being there with Wes Bauer; who, for my money has some of the best material I've ever heard locally or nationally. Honestly, when the audience isn't responding to Wes positively I question whether they have pulses or just aren't paying attention. Maybe they're just playing catch-up, because his jokes have a tendency to make you think prior to laughing, and that can work against a guy on stage seeking instant gratification for his cleverly created chuckle-fare. I love his stuff, his stage presence and the fact that it took us 6 weeks before introducing ourselves to each other. Comics are, by and large, shy people who hate everything, but Wes and I click on a weird level in that we are not filled with outright consternation and capable of mentioning Rasputin and then going through the litany of ways in which a joke could be made about him. sigh He's really, really funny and very bright and smart and missing out on his set will sorely disappoint you.

My Personal Favorite (No Offense Guys): Billy T. Anglin

I don't even know where to begin. I envy this man on so many levels it's not even pathetic, they haven't even created a word for how jealous I am of his ability to make a room full of strangers laugh at things like God making it rain because he felt like seeing a wet t-shirt contest. (No lie, my friend calls me once a week to remind me of that joke, followed by "you should be that good...some day.") It goes beyond that though, he has a passion for comedy that is mother f_cking infectious to be around and out and out delightful. He was the first person I introduced myself to on the fateful night at The Otter Lodge a long, long time ago when I got so drunk I forgot my jokes. After my set, he said to me, very wisely, "yeah, you don't want to do that again do you?" And I never have. It was advice without being "advice." Though he's many years my junior I find myself forgetting that whenever he's around, and if I can make him laugh during my set I know I did something right because the funniest man in the room is giggling in the background at whatever stupid joke I just told. (His only downfall is that he insists I am a "smart comedian;" which I just don't believe, at all.) If you live in Rochester, you need to come see Billy before he's on Comedy Central and too big and important for the little people.



I'll write more itty-bitty profiles of local comics in the days and weeks to come, but there's a few for you that hopefully sounded enticing enough for you to come out and support your local comedian. It means a lot to me, but for the guys with actual talent it means so much more.

Coming Tomorrow: My write up and encouragement/plea for you to attend the upcoming Fall Comedy Contest at The Tango Cafe!

I Like You... Maria Bamford

"I like you..." is a recurring section of "Where the Wild Things Were Last Thursday Around 8" which highlights the best of the best, the cream of the crop, the people, places and things that make each and every day a little more bearable just because they happen to exist.

I can't believe it took me this long to get around to electing a stand-up comedian to the "I Like You..." hall of fame, and I really can't believe it took me this long to elect a woman. So, I'm pleased to announce that the newest member of the "I Like You..." hall of fame is none other than the mistress of a million voices and the funniest f_cking female comedian I've ever seen, Maria Bamford.

You're welcome, World.

There's a good chance you've never heard of Maria Bamford, or Morgan Murphy or any number of super talented, super funny female comics working right now, because being a female stand-up comedian is incredibly difficult. I don't know why, because the funniest person I ever knew (my mother) was a woman, and no one makes me laugh harder or more often than my girlfriend, so why is it that female comedians are treated like second class citizens in the comedy world? Are we really still stuck in a "men only" vortex of comedy that gave us such talented individuals as Dane Cook or Larry the Cable Guy? No, that can't be right. Sarah Silverman is almost a bonafide celebrity these days, so what gives? Do you have to be a potty mouthed brunette with a fetish for making people feel awkward to succeed in comedy as a woman? Or would the general public rather watch a dumpy, balding middle aged man rant about politics and his barren sex life for 20 minutes at a time? Honestly, I'm asking you, my reader to tell me what the f_ck is going on, because this just can't stand. I truly believe that some of the funniest comedians of all time have been women. Lucille Ball, Phyllis Diller, Rita Rudner, Ellen Degeneres, Roseanne and any number of the other women who made a name for themselves in what was largely a boys club. (Full disclosure: I hate Whoopi Goldberg with a passion, but it has nothing to do with her being a woman, and everything to do with the lack of comedy that takes place in her "act") So why isn't Maria breathtakingly famous right now? Why isn't she hosting her own day time talk show battling Oprah and Ellen for ratings? I don't know if there will ever be an answer to that question that actually makes sense.

I don't want to get into an overly long discussion about sexism in the comedy world, because this is not the time or the place. This is when I'm honoring Maria Bamford for her contributions to the world of comedy. So, without going into too much detail, I'd just like to point out that Ms. Bamford is more than a slew of silly voices, warped characters and odd songs. She's a stellar performer and an incredibly intelligent and subversive writer. Why not take a look for yourself?

She's awesome right? I mean, look how seemlessly she slips from one voice to the next. You've got to be quick to keep up with Maria's quirk, because if you blink you might miss something beautiful. Her transitions are, in my opinion, the best in the business. They are not quite non-sequiturs, but they're definitely disjointed, and somehow everything flows so naturally it makes me wonder what special kind of mental disorder Maria has that allows her to control the voices in her head with such effortless grace. I know when I'm on stage I say "uhm" more than I should and my go to line when I'm stuck between bits is "what else," and let me tell you, when you're an audience member and a guy like me is sputtering out a bunch of poorly written jokes that are even more poorly performed, its infuriating at worst and annoying as hell at best. Guys like me, the hacks of the comedy world, are peanuts compared to the brilliant mind of Maria Bamford.

I'm positive that if you put me in a room with my current comedy heroes (Patton Oswalt, Zach Galifianakis, David Cross, Eugene Mirman, Brian Posehn, Dana Gould etc.) not only would I be awed by their presence, but the only one I would be nervous about talking to would be Maria Bamford. I don't know that I could keep up with her. I don't know whether or not I would try to make some zany comment that would derail the conversation and set it into a sh_t spiral of awkward pauses and disgrunteld sighs, because I'd most likely try to recite her act back to her and explain why it is so damn good. With that I'm going to make the election of Maria Bamford in the "I Like You..." hall of fame officail.

As usual, Ms. Bamford, you can expect a complimentary "I like you..." hall of fame t-shirt* within the next 6-8 weeks. Thank you for everything you've done for comedy in general and for the countless times you've made me laugh. Mark my words, madame, your time will come and the entire world will know your name.

*there will be no t-shirt

An Open Letter to Robin Williams

An Open Letter to Robin Williams.

Dear Mr. Williams,

Hi, how are you? Oh, I'm fine, and thank you for asking, but this really isn't the type of letter that is going to be of a familiar or congenial tone, because I've just read that you've been asked to portray Susan Boyle in an upcoming movie about her life. Speaking for no one other than myself and a handful of people I'm happy to call my friends, I'd like to ask if you could, please, turn this one down. To quote the anti-drug television commercials of my youth, "Just say no!"

I know, I know, it would be a chance for you to stretch your acting chops in a direction they've never been stretched before, but if it's handled incorrectly it could end up playing out as a miserable sequel to "Mrs. Doubtfire." ("Doubtfire 2: Doubtfirerer", or, possibly "Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Doubt Harder") Do you really want to be associated with something that has so much going for it in the wrong direction? I'd like to think that you don't, but from what I can tell you've already started practicing "I Dreamed a Dream" in front of your friends. Man, that is just sad.

I understand that when a man of your stature gets to a certain point in his life and has gone through the trials and tribulations that you have its easy to get inspired by almost anything that looks remotely inspirational. But, this, my one time idol, is not that inspiring. Just because the music scene of today is overcrowded with uppity sex symbols singing pop songs on auto-tune doesn't mean the world needs to gush over a frumpy Brit with a legit set of pipes. For the love of Dog, man, it's not like she was blind, battled drug addiction or even had a severe mental illness to overcome; she's just, you know, not that great to look at.

"Hi, how are you? I'm a genius. Have a nice day."

I personally have nothing against Ms. Boyle and the fame that she has garnered from appearing on "Britain's Got Talent," but do I think her life story deserves an over the top, Hollywood style biography? No, I don't, and neither should you, Mr. Williams. Is it really all that awe inspiring for a dowdy looking woman of some talent to finally get a break on one of the biggest television shows in the U.K? Need I remind you of the one time Ruben Studdard chaos that swept over America when he was voted the winner of "American Idol" all those years ago? What's he been up to lately? Other than eating Cheetos and wishing he was Clay Aiken, I'd wager Mr. Studdard has done very little with the "charmed" life he was given since winning "American Idol." Does that make him any less talented? Not at all, he is for sure capable of singing songs, but, would I pay $8 to go to the local multi-plex to watch Denzel Washington portray him in a blockbuster biopic? F_ck no! It's just not that interesting.

Denzel Washington in "I Ain't Done Sh_t: The Ruben Studdard Movie"

Mr. Williams, again, I'd like to implore you to turn down this role. It will not be good for anyone involved. You're already catching flak for "insulting Ms. Boyle" by merely being cast in the movie (she's a woman, by the way, and you, sir, are a man). You haven't even shot a promotional still for the movie and people are up in arms over the decision, so imagine what it is going to be like when you don the drag and go parading about as SuBo in all her frumpy glory? I don't think I need to explain to you that people tend to get a little agitated when their favorite quasi-celebrities are made fun of( "leave Brittany Alone!" Anyone?), even if it is by accident, so why put yourself in that position? I'm not saying you wouldn't do a tremendous job, but hey, why take the risk? Everyone and their cousin knows a movie can be ruined in post-production when the studio steps in with their notes and their 'sposedahs and their audience polling, so even your most brilliant performance could get chopped down to nothing more than a musical farce of damning proportions. Sir, you are better than that.

Okay, I might be coming on a little strong, but let me just say that I still have the highest possible hopes for you and your career. As much as I feign to despise you, I secretly envy you and your ability to make audiences laugh out loud. So, I'm offering up this simple solution to the Susan Boyle quagmire that has presented itself: Let's see how "World's Greatest Dad" plays out before contracts are finalized and you are committed to appearing in a worthless pile of drek that would be the signal light for the end of your amazing career. So far the buzz generated by "World's Greatest Dad" has been positive despite the fact that it contains some risque material that is usually reserved for movies of a more hardcore nature. C'mon, man! I know how good you are, and I know you are going to knock this movie out of the mother f_cking park and for some reason my uneducated, un-credentialed and unappealing mind seems to think that if all goes according to plan you're going to be recognized by the Academy and at the very least get another nomination. I'm still not sure how you were overlooked for "Insomnia," but "World's Greatest Dad" could right that wrong! Think about it, man! You could be the king of the world again. The toast of the town, even. And, why not? You deserve it because you are just that good. Sh_t, you even made "Death to Smoochy" watchable, you can do anything, but this SuBo Bio is going to wreck you, sir.

Now, my comedy snob friends out there are probably going to give me an atomic wedgie for pleading with you to come to your senses, because it's chic in their world to hate on you as often as possible. They see you as a one trick motor mouthed pony with nothing left in the tank. They think you fell off the face of the Earth years ago and no one should bother pulling you back in, but I am not them. I begrudgingly felt the full force of a table full of stand-up comics telling me I'm an idiot for defending you, but I never back down. I, unlike so many others, would never walk off stage because you entered a room and would be happy, nay PROUD, if you saw fit to use some of my material without my permission. After all, you're not blatantly stealing like Carlos Mencia, you just can't control what comes into your mind and how it comes out of your mouth and I dig that. Also: You are ROBIN WILLIAMS.

I know I kind of trashed you in a previous post I wrote about you, sir, but I was trying to get a cheap laugh and I'm not a good enough writer to have conveyed what I truly feel without it coming off as weird. I thought I saved it by explaining the only reason I started to dislike you was because I'm an ass, but after re-reading that post I realize it's just a brush off and an easy way to end a sentence that should've been more carefully thought out. The truth is, Mr. Williams, you still are an inspiration to me, and even at your age with a monkey valve in your heart you could still beat the living sh_t out of me in a fight. You are still funnier than 90% of the people out their who make jokes for a living, and I'd be willing to trade in all my hipster cred to defend that point. I don't care if David Cross hates me for liking you, because he's kind of a prick anyway. I don't care if Zach Galifianakis thinks I'm a loser, because... well okay that one would hurt a little, but still, I'd be willing to trumpet your prowess no matter whose company I kept.

I'm from a different era, sir, and as much as I claim to be inspired by and influenced by the contemporary group of comedians working the circuit today, it was you, Mr. Williams that kick started my comedy bug. If you weren't doing stand up when I was a little boy I never would've sought out Andy Kaufman, George Carlin or Richard Pryor. I can never thank you enough for opening that door for me, so please, one more time, don't take the part of Susan Boyle. Please please please please please please please please please reconsider... unless of course they offer you some exorbitant amount of money (nothing less than $20 million to keep your dignity) then by all means, go ahead and do it. Hell, even the king of hipster d-bag comedians, David Cross, was in "Alvin and the Chipmunks," because they paid him a sh_t-Ton of money. So, I can't fault you there, but if this is an art house piece and you're getting paid scale to trot around in drag to tell the tale of a mono-browed Scot that is your fault for committing to it, sir. For that I will eventually forgive you, but it's going to take time for myself and the movie going public to gather up the eye bleach required to sanitize the image of you playing Susan Boyle from our minds. Think about it, okay? That's all I'm asking. Just think about it and when you're done thinking about it think about it some more, because hopefully you'll come to the same conclusion I have and you just won't do it.

Thank you for your time and for all the years of entertainment.

Yours Truly,

Jimbolaya


p.s- nice job on Conan a little while back, you made the other interview ( I won't name names because it was a British judge from a very, very popular reality show (not "Idol")) sufferable, it was really nice to hear you laughing again. -J

*UPDATE* As of this morning, according to Mr. Williams' representatives via a NPR broadcast I heard on my way into work, R-Dub will NOT be playing the role of Susan Boyle in an upcoming movie about her life. You can read all about it here. Sorry for taking you down the forbidden path of false information and immediate reaction, reader, I swear it will only happen almost daily.

"It's not your fault..."

For an entire decade of my life I was a Robin Williams super-fan. From the ages of 8 to 18 I went to all his movies, saw any appearance he made on T.V shows and watched any episodes of "Mork & Mindy" I could get my hands on. I was, for lack of a better education, addicted to Robin Williams. There was something about his wild, frenetic energy and manic line after line delivery that made the younger me want to be exactly like him, and much to the dismay of my mother I could spout out quotes from "Aladdin" and "Mrs. Doubtfire" so easily and quickly that eventually I was banned from ever saying "Ooooooh, Helloooooo" in a high-pitched, faux British accent ever again.

My R-Dub obsession was so all consuming that I thought "Toys" was one of the best movies I had ever seen and spent several years defending that belief. That's right, "Toys," and no one should defend that movie. I don't even think Robin William's himself would defend "Toys," if only because it gave us L.L Cool J the actor and forever set in motion a string of events that would lead to a surge in rapper/actors like Ice T, Ice Cube, Tupac, Eminem, Ludacris, that guy from "Pimp my Ride" and Lyle Lovett cashing in on various minor and major film roles that through their involvement resulted in at least 1 decent franchise (i.e: "Friday" ) and several terrible franchise (i.e: anything else Ice Cube has been in).

You see, because black people be fixin houses like this... and white people be fixin' houses like this...

I can't honestly blame Robin William's for the boom in rapper/actors, but part of me wishes I could, because there's really nothing Robin William's has done that has made me dislike him the way I do now. Not even "Jack" or "Bicentennial Man" or "Man of The Year" pushed me over the edge. No, it wasn't until I started doing stand-up and started really watching Robin Williams do stand-up that I completely lost all respect for the guy.

My reasons for the about face are still unclear to me. It's not that he's a noted joke stealer , because everyone in stand-up comedy is stealing someone else's material whether they think they are or not, and at least R-Dub pays the comedian when he does it. It's not because whenever he's on stage I wish I could punch him in the face and tell him to "slow the f_ck down." It's because at some point in time he stopped making me laugh and started doing things like the "Meet Robin" ticket package for his stand-up gigs (yes, the prices are very, very high, about $435 last I checked) and naming his tour some trite piece of word-play like "The Weapons of Self-Destruction Tour." The Robin Williams I came to know and love would never have stooped so low... or would he?

B-b-but, pants don't go on your head, Robin... oh I see. Good one.

Before I lay into the man that used to be my idol I want to say that I still believe Robin Williams is one of the best actors of the past 25 years. No, he's not on par with someone like Daniel Day-Lewis or Phillip Seymour Hoffman, but he's a tremendous talent when he works with a director that can harness his energy and put it to good use. Hell, the man has an Oscar for "Good Will Hunting," and should have at least been nominated for his uber creepy, exceptionally well done role in "Insomnia," because he actually out acted none other than Sir Loudy McScreams a lot, Al Pacino. Have you seen "The Fisher King?" If not, I suggest you put it in your Netflix queue and watch the sh_t out of that, because that's how you make the most of Robin Williams' talent, and once again, he outshines a brilliant actor in Jeff Bridges. If it were up to me, R-Dub and Terry Gilliam would do nothing but make movies with each other for the rest of my life and I would die a happy man. Do you have any idea how awesome he would have been as Sancho Panza in "Don Quixote?" No, you don't, because it never got made. But I digress...

I'm not sure but I think 1982's "An Evening With Robin Williams" was the first taste of R-Dub's brand of stand-up comedy that I ever sampled. I saw it at least 10 years after it was released to video when I was a running around acting like the Genie from "Aladdin" half the time (yep, I memorized every single song that Mr. Williams sang in that wonderful movie), so watching him do stand-up was more a retrospective initiation than an actual orientation into the manic genius of Mr. Williams and his style of comedy. As a 10 year old boy with a vivid imagination and an unquenchable hunger for comedy of all kinds, Robin Williams sated my appetite adequately enough for me to mimic his rainbow suspender wearing, Jew-fro having, cocaine snorting ass (minus the suspenders, Jew-fro and cocaine). So, the next day at school I got in trouble for swearing and making a joke about cocaine during recess. Did this deter me from loving Robin Williams? Nope, it made me love him even more, because my 10 year old brain thought it was awesome. Just. Plain. Awesome.

In watching "An Evening With Robin Williams" as an older gentleman it still stands as a great hour of stand-up comedy with everything you would expect from R-Dub. For a while the only way the world was able to watch Mr. Williams perform his stand-up routines was to wait for "Comic Relief" on HBO or a similarly themed show of some kind or re-runs of "An Evening With..." on Comedy Central. It was in that "Comic Relief" atmosphere that Mr. Williams was honestly and truly head and shoulders above the other participating comics. I remember watching the 80's holy trinity of stand-up comedians (Whoopi Goldberg, Billy Crystal and Robin Williams) one night back in the day and thinking to myself "this Billy Crystal and this Whoopi Goldberg kind of suck," and I was no more than 10 years old.

"Will, between you and me, Whoopi is a hack."

Then came the 90's, and the only time we got to see Robin Williams be Robin Williams was when he went on "The Tonight Show" or "Late Night with David Letterman" or made a mad-cap, off the wall comedy like "Hamlet" and just let it all hang out, and this, coincidentally, is when I started to realize the man I grew up worshipping was kind of unhinged and possibly insane. For minutes at a time during these interviews it seemed as if R-Dub had no brain to mouth filter like you and I probably do, so the audience would be treated to a 5 minutes laugh riot, rambling monologue about the intricacies of flatulence.

Perhaps the fault is mine. As I aged my tastes changed and I didn't find "Father's Day" as funny as I did the year before and even "Mrs. Doubtfire" seemed a little too... how do I put this... wacky for my tastes. I was into things like "Seinfeld" and "The Simpsons" and other high brow, artsy comedy fare that would lead me down the path to the comedic stylings of "Monty Python," Richard Pryor, George Carlin and eventually Lenny Bruce, Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, David Cross, "Arrested Development" and a bunch of other more adult oriented comedy that played to my ever increasing snobby side. This got so bad that when people brought up Robin Williams I would snort loudly and chortle out some crude remark about how he "just isn't funny," and eventually I would get mean about it and say "listen, if you like Robin Williams you'll love 'According to Jim," or 'Two and a Half Men.' " Let's face it, nobody loves "According to Jim," and the fact that "Two and a Half Men" is still the most watched comedy on American television means way, way too many Americans think Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer making unintelligent boner jokes is funny and that's just blatantly untrue.

This makes you laugh, America? THIS! Have you even heard of "The Office," America? Have you!?

So, Mr. Williams I want to ask you a direct question: Why, after all those years away from mass consumption stand-up comedy, did you decide to do "Robin Williams: Live on Broadway?" I had heard for months that you would be performing on Broadway in New York and even considered flying down just to see your show until I heard that it would be on HBO at some point. I waited patiently and thoughtfully, hoping that you would regain the form you had when you made "An Evening With Robin Williams" and beofre then when were so f_cking funny Richard Pryor himself thought to put you in his T.V show, but did you deliver? No. No you didn't. I think it was after you used one of your 400 water bottles to simulate male orgasm that I switched off the television and started to softly cry to myself while I wondered what the hell I wasted my childhood idolizing. I needed answers and I needed them sooner than later, so I went to the only person who could answer a question of this depth and meaning: My Father.

Now, I haven't mentioned my father around this blog at all, so I should start by letting you know he doesn't laugh easily, but Robin Williams always seemed to get him going. One night 18 months ago I asked the old man what he thought of R-Dub and he summed it up beautifully, "I think he's great, don't you, you used to love everything he did." I then told my father, "Well, over the past few years I've started to, kind of, hate the guy." At this my father looked me dead in the eye and said "Well, that's because you're an ass." He couldn't have been more right.

Jimmy Carter and my father are giving me the same look right now.