7 Things I've Learned In The Last 4 Months

Last night, had I actually been on a stage telling jokes to a room full of stranger, would have been the night I celebrated my fourth month doing stand-up comedy since coming out of retirement in June. But, since the open mic where I got my re-start is in a state of hiatus for the time being, I was out drinking, carousing, pizza eating and laughing with my girlfriend and some other friends of ours (whom we would never have met if I did not get back into stand-up). It's been a fun, sometimes torturous ride so far and since I've been trying to chronicle as much of my return to being funny as possible, I wanted to share with you, my dear readers, friends and fellow jerks of the world that may be interested in this sort of thing, just exactly what I've learned so far.

1 - Comics React Poorly To Stolen Material, But It Is Justified
Recently I blogged about the trials and tribulations my favorite open-mic in the world is going through with a certain dicknosed individual named Shmantonio who has been blatantly stealing material from, of all people, Martin "Shanaynay" Lawrence.

Sure, why not?

Since that fateful night not that long ago when the plagiarism bells rang loud and clear at Boulder Coffee Co. in Rochester, NY the open mic has gotten darker, more rambunctious and a lot more fun to be part of. There's something genuinely amazing about a room full of angry comics that causes them to bond and become friends even if they didn't especially like each other before, because we all suddenly realize the hard work we put into our jokes (even the stupid ones are written, rewritten, edited again and told to our significant others at least 16 times before making it to the stage, for the most part) is something to unite us. It's a struggle to make 5-7 minutes of stand-up good enough to make people who may or may not be paying attention stop what they're doing and laugh. So the shared ire, the shared anger at the idea that some dickfaced piece of shit would walk in, rip off someone who was incredibly popular while most of us were growing up and get angry when he was busted is something the real comedians, the ones who write their own sets out and cry themselves to sleep when they don't work, can point to and say "well, at least I'm not Shmantonio, because he's a jackass." (It should be noted to my readers that this Sunday is Shmantonio's last chance to prove he can write his own stuff and not crib from other prominent comedians, should he fail he will be banned for life. Them's the breaks, budding stand-ups, know this particular rule extremely well or you'll find yourself on the outside looking in incredibly quickly.)

2 - Writing Jokes That Make Other People Laugh Is Really Hard
The biggest piece of advice I would ever give to someone who wants to take a crack at stand-up is to write as many of your ideas down as possible and to try them out on the general public (at work, school, etc. wherever it is appropriate) and not sitting around with your friends, girlfriends, boyfriends or family, because that is not an objective audience.

Your friends and significant others are too nice and too hard wired to encourage you to give you the real skinny on whether or not what you're saying is funny. What I'm trying to say is they'll laugh at anything you preface with "I just wrote this joke," or "I'm thinking of trying stand-up, what do you think of this?" This doesn't mean what you have written isn't funny, by the way, it just means you're getting a reaction that isn't as genuine as what you'll get your first time on stage (which is terrifying in the best way possible) from an audience who is unsuspecting and absolutely will not laugh if you aren't funny. But, if you're around the water cooler and have a work appropriate joke you want to try out on a few of your coworkers go ahead and do it, because they won't know what's coming and it'll be a real laugh as opposed to a "hey you're my friend and I like you so I'm going to laugh" laugh. Just be ready to fail, even at work, because awkward silence following a joke whether you're on stage or off is just plain terrible.

3 - Make Friends With People, It Makes Your Life Easier
The stupidest thing I did when I started stand-up the first time around was to not make any efforts to reach out and get to know any of the other comedians at the various open mics around town. Sure I would see the same people week in and week out and they would see me, but I was a little too ahead of my self and overly cocksure about my abilities, so I stayed on the sidelines watching and nodding my head and never ever went up to anybody and said, "Hi, I'm Jim, I really liked your set tonight;" which I will do now at the drop of hat if someone gets me to laugh. This is how I got to know Bryan J. Ball, Billy T. Anglin, Vinnie Paulino, Jeremy Eli, Wes Bauer and Dan Maslyn, who are now some of my favorite people in the world (it doesn't hurt that they are just as funny off stage as they are on stage).

Now, I can't sit still during open mics and shows when all my friends are there because I'm up and around talking and joking in the wings or outside having a beer with Billy and Jeremy while we discuss some of the finer points of a cleverly crafted fart joke. Or 3 or 4 of us are standing near the stage, watching someone try out new material for the first time that we haven't seen, and oddly (unless it's terrible in which case we're pretty brutal to each other) we're all very supportive and helpful.

That's pretty much true across the board. If you're friendly, supportive and even the least bit funny and you reach out to some of the comics you see week in and week out the chances are they'll be equally as friendly and supportive. It helps more with the actual craft of doing stand-up than I can put into words, but riffing back and forth about something trivial at a bar on a Thursday night has spawned more great ideas for jokes than I can ever remember happening while on my couch, alone watching TV.

4 - Do Not Rush Yourself
It is very possible for people in stand-up to get very big in a very short amount of time, but it's also incredibly rare. Even in Rochester, NY I've seen people go from first timer at an open mic to getting paid shows in a few months to traveling across the North East from college to college making pretty good money, but, like I said, that doesn't happen too often.

What you should expect is to take your time honing your material as often as possible to the best of your abilities. This could take weeks, months or even years before you're at a level where you'll be able to travel the college, club or coffee house circuit getting paid somewhat decent money. I recently re-watched the documentary Comedian starring Jerry Seinfeld (ever heard of him?) and something he said really stuck with me. Keep in mind this is Jerry Seinfeld, creator of "The Marriage Ref," who said "6 months is not a long time to put together an hour of material." 6 months seems like forever when you're new to the game and trying to get your name out there and, eventually, get paid, but you're not Jerry Seinfeld. So don't expect to have 30 minutes of material immediately. Shoot, don't expect to have 10 minutes of material immediately. Get your 5-7 honed to as near perfect as you can and, when you can do that without feeling like there were saggy bits in your set, start writing longer sets out.

To be honest, I probably have 30-40 minutes of jokes written right now, but only about 10-12 minutes of performable material; which is going to be an issue in the not to distant future if I move forward in this comedy contest I'm participating in right now which would require me to do 20-30 for the first time in my life. Nervous as hell? Yes. Yes I am... but that leads me into...

5 - Embrace Those Nerves, They Are Your Friends
You're going to be nervous your first few times (I, to this day, am still nervous for the first minute of any set) and that's totally fine, but remember that those nerves are a sort of adrenaline shooting through your body, and they are there to help. Harness them as best you can and redirect them back into your stage presence. Unless you're trying to have a nervous, jittery stage persona, in which case, carry on.

6. - At Some Point You'll Just Know What You're Doing
I am not at this level yet, but it's coming on fast. I've been doing very well the past few weeks and I even made it into the aforementioned comedy contest with 7 other local comics (out of 25 that auditioned) and that was a sign that things are moving in the right direction, but I have not had an overwhelming flood of confidence hit me yet which has been described to me as an "ah ha" moment when everything just clicked into place and the person on stage new exactly what they were doing, how to do it and felt great in the process. I've been very close to this, but I know it hasn't really happened yet, but hey, I'm in no rush.

7 - Hey, A Cliche! Just Have Fun With It.
My friend Billy asks me after every set if I "had fun" or not. Usually, I do, but there have been moments where it's been the opposite of fun and it shows in every little tic. Stand-up is such a strange form of entertainment in that 1 person has complete and total control over everything that's going on in the room. If you're nervous? The audience is nervous with you. If you're happy? The audience is happy. If you're stealing jokes because you're an asshole and the comics off stage are getting pissed off? That anger seeps into the crowds mindset, I'm not even kidding, it's like a disease that has become airborne and Shmantonio is the outbreak monkey killing us all slowly with his pilfered material. You don't want that to happen all the time, though it can be fun when the momentum shifts from anger to goofy agitation and beer drinking.

There you have it, reader, make of my shitty pearls of wisdom what you will.

My Follow Up Interview With God

Reader, quite some time ago I landed an interview with God; which went pretty well to be honest. We covered some pretty confusing stuff, but I think He gave me some great answers (or at least confused me enough to believe he gave me some great answers) that really shed some all knowing light on some subjects that were pretty dimly lit.

Well guess what? His publicist called me the other day "just to check in and see how things are going" and ask "when are we going to do another interview?" I damn near fell out of my chair. Here was God's publicist calling me about a follow up interview with Him! I asked Mary (God's PR representative) "Why me?" She paused, probably trying to figure out how to be as gentle as possible, "He likes you... and you're not important or heavily read enough for this to be controversial, so it's safe." Whatever, I don't care. I get to sit down with the guy who created the universe again and ask him whatever questions I want. What more could a guy like me want? (Answer: more money)

Jim - So it's been almost a year since last we spoke, what's been going on since then?
God - Not much, man. Not much.
J - Really?
G - No, no. (Laughs) I'm God, for Christ's sake. (Laughs) I'm always busy, man. Just the other day I was trying to figure out what to do with this little planet in a corner of the universe that you guys won't discover for another 2,000 years or so; which was fun. It's like Farmville or The Sims, but y'know, reality.
J - Come up with anything good?
G - I think, think, it's going to be populated by creatures that very closely resemble human beings in that I've made the effort to sort of shape it the same way I did with Earth, but nothing is finalized, everything is always changing and shifting and I'm the kind deity that just lets things happen until it gets really out of control.
J - What about Noah?
G - What about Noah?
J - It says in the Bible you flooded the Earth...
G - No, I know what The Bible says, but do you really think I flooded the Earth to prove a point about humanity? Do you really think I would raze entire cities to the ground because they slightly disagreed with me or annoyed me?
J - I guess you would be a pretty shitty God if you did. No offense.
G - Oh, none taken at all. It just gets frustrating after a while, you know?
J - I understand where you're coming from on some level, because if you were the type of God that did something like put dinosaur bones in the ground to test humanity's faith in you, you'd be narcissistic, selfish and kind of a dick.
G - It would be very "look at what I can do! I'm God! Here's a mysterious bone that I want you to scrutinize and, eventually, dismiss as a test of faith, because I'm God and I can do that sort of thing! Now get on your knees and pray for my love."
J - "You think you're better than me? I'm God, damn it! Here's a plague to remind you that I'm the shit."
G - (Laughs) Exactly. I wish people would think more. That's why you all have these marvelous, miraculous brains and not just a head with an I.O.U note stuffed inside it.
J - So we can think and solve problems for ourselves without having to rely on your God-Finger to nudge us in the right direction all the time. We talked about that a little bit in the last interview.
G - I remember, and I've thought about it here and there since then and the only thing I can come up with is that people are so brazenly desperate to know what's going on in the world, to have some idea of whats happening that they use Me as a scapegoat. Which is lazy and offensive because, again, you're wasting this beautiful brain, but it's also a little unsettling.
J - Because they can blame you for, literally, everything that's ever happened ever? Or praise you for, literally, everything that's ever happened ever?
G - Exactly. Just the other day I was eating a burger, sitting on a bench watching the world I created roll on by in front of me, trying to soak it all in and just be, and a Mormon -a kid, 17 years old, named Jeremiah- walks up to me and he's got this backpack on and his little short-sleeved, white button down shirt and clip on tie outfit and he goes, "Can I talk to you for a second?"
J - Christ. How'd that go?
G - How do you think it went?
J - Poorly.
G - Not at all, really, the kid was just confused about what he wanted to believe in because his parents never gave him a chance to figure things out for himself -going back to the home schooling thing we talked about last time- and he's just running through the world without a clue. So after a while of politely listening to him speak to me about Mormonism I interrupted him and said, "How do you know this is what God wants?" He looks me square in the eye and says, "I have faith." I was f_cking floored! I'm sitting right in front of him thinking "Do I tell him? Do I tell him?" And instead of wrecking his entire life I just let it go and said, "keep plugging away," I took his pamphlets and asked if he wanted the rest of my fries; which he did but was too polite to take.
J - It's a strange way to end an argument, you know? "Oh, why is the sky blue?" "God." I mean, fine, believe what you want and yes to some extent the sky is blue because of you, but when the questions go deeper like "Why do bad things happen to good people?" The answer is more complicated than "God is testing their faith," or "It's God's will;" which clearly isn't the case.
G - And it's dangerous, because you can justify anything that way. "Why did you murder your husband Mrs. Smith?" "It was God's will." No it was f_cking not. Mrs. Smith is still going to jail because of what she did, you know? But her husband is dead. Another human being, whom was loved by friends and family, is gone from the world for no reason at all other than Mrs. Smith wanted to murder her husband and the only way she could rationalize that urge was to say it was My will. Which is ridiculous. So, instead of seeking help for her thoughts, what's she do? She just goes with it, never questioning that she may be insane or going through something that requires psychiatric intervention or medication, and it's my fault, because she won't take responsibility.
J - Sounds like you have a thing against crazy people.
G - Oh, no, not at all. My heart cries out for those people. But I can't just reach down and say "you're fixed, you're welcome, see you in church," because I would have to do it for everyone, and I just won't do that.
J - It goes back to you wanting us to think for ourselves and fix things without having this distressing reliance on a God who, excuse me, is basically an absentee landlord, right?
G - Right. Exactly. I did not create mankind so that I could be praised, I created Earth to evolve into something great, something brilliant and it has and it will continue to do so if humans don't blow it up first; which is a very real possibility by the way, and I'll take the heat for that too.

A Note On Stealing

Reader, let me spin you a tale of discontent and anti-merriment brought to you by the tortured souls of the stand-up comedy open mic night at Boulder Coffee Co. in Rochester, NY (every Sunday at 8! Hosted by Bryan J. Ball! I plug things!).

A good friend of mine, Billy T. Anglin, and I were hanging out at my house a few weeks ago before the open mic at Boulder Coffee Co. talking through our upcoming sets, drinking a few beers and writing down ideas that we came up with in conversation. This is how I do my best "writing" for the stage. I have a terrible time sitting down and trying to write jokes, because I get bored with it quickly, but mainly because I believe that my best stuff comes up on the fly; which is why I usually have a very small notebook and a pen with me to jot down the stupid things I find funny and hope to shoehorn into my set. Billy, on the other hand, actually sits down and writes out his stuff in a very diligent, professional manner that I am jealous of. I one time asked him, "Hey, Billy how do you get through writer's block?" I got 6 text messages back to back describing a very scientific approach to writing jokes that I immediately deleted for fear that it would creep into my mind and make me feel even more worthless than I normally do. We spent a few hours together, Billy and I, getting ready for the show. It was fun. I got a little drunk, came up with some ideas for bits I'm still working on and really enjoyed myself in the process.

My other friend and I, Bryan J. Ball (mentioned above in the shameless plug for the open-mic he hosts at Boulder Coffee Co. in Rochester, NY on Sunday nights at 8) hang out a lot during the week. We grab a few beers at Tap and Mallet or go out together with our girlfriends or he makes me amazing mac and cheese and I eat it. I'm going out on a limb here when I say this, but when Bryan and I start riffing on something the jokes that come out of it are phenomenal and usually more suited to him than to me, because I can only think of one joke I've done on stage that has come from our conversations and I was less than pleased with it. Bryan is also a writer, I think, because he takes the usable chunks of our conversation and crafts them into a longer format that translates incredibly well on stage. I've never seen him sit down and write out a joke, but I have about 4,000 texts on my phone from him about 1 joke, so I know he thinks about it and works hard to make sure his set is tight, timed well and something to be proud of.

What Bryan, Billy and 95% of the comics that do open mics in Rochester have in common is that they work really f_cking hard on their material. Actually, this is pretty much the case across the board with stand-up comedians. It's really difficult to write good, solid jokes that will play in almost any room you can think of, and it takes a metric shit ton of effort to figure out the pacing, timing and presentation (this is something I am starting to work on more, as I'm beginning to realize I suck). Until a few weeks ago I had only heard some comics use a line or a phrase that sounded similar to the work of another, better known comedian, and until a few weeks ago I had never known what it felt like to be in a room when the audience has little to no clue that the person on stage is lifting his entire set from someone, yet all the comics do.

The tension, needless to say, was palpable and disturbing.

I'm not going to name names, but it rhymes with Shmantonio (which is how he'll be referred to from here on out), who was a first timer, energetic and overly confident on such a huge level that it bordered on psychopathic or sociopathic delusion. I watched with the audience as Shmantonio prowled around the stage, yelling loudly and enthusiastically into the microphone with timing eerily precise for a guy who had never done stand-up before. It felt more polished and put together than the sets of some people who have been doing stand-up for months. The honeymoon phase lasted about 2 minutes.

After that, I started hearing punchlines and set ups that sounded strangely familiar; which honestly isn't that rare, because comics do tend to pounce on similar subjects, have similar opinions or mindsets that make their material sound like someone elses and vice versa. There's a reason every comic in the country told the same Tiger Woods joke when they heard about his car accident and the fallout that came after it, it's because everyone thought of a Tiger Woods joke and told it on stage, but if you were paying attention you'd notice that only the theme was shared and not the entire joke (for the most part). It's just the way things go and it's the main reason a lot of the more successful people in the stand-up business do not do pop culture, this just happened yesterday humor, because it's timely and not timeless and grows old faster than a shitty peach. This wasn't Shmantonio's case.

Shmantonio completely ripped off 5-7 minutes of Martin Lawrence's stand-up. Yes, Martin Lawrence. Yes, the same Martin Lawrence that brandished a pistol while screaming at tourists on Ventura Blvd.. Yes, the same Martin Lawrence who almost died because he went jogging in 100 degree heat wearing several layers of clothing. Shmantonio decided to rip off the star of Big Mamma's House, because evidently Shmantonio thought that a room full of comedy nerds (mostly white comedy nerds, so I can see why he would racistly think none of us would even be aware of Martin Lawrence, let alone be able to recognize his material... seriously, now that I just wrote that, I'm even more pissed. What a dicknose) wouldn't notice. Big. F_cking. Mistake.

I'm an idiot, as I've said countless times right on this very blog, so it took me a lot longer to catch what was going on than the other comics in the room who noticed almost immediately. The host, Bryan J. Ball (remember, Boulder Coffee Co. in Rochester, NY, Sunday nights at 8) got pissed. Dan "I'm Already Mad At Everything" Maslyn got pissed. Billy T. Anglin was mildly upset; which for him is like being pissed. Everyone who caught it was upset, as they should've been, but this was his first time and we all must have thought "ah, he'll never come back, just let it go..."

Two weeks go by and Shmantonio returns to Boulder Coffee Co. in Rochester, NY (which has a stand up comedy open-mic night on Sundays, at 8). Being the consummate gentlemen and host that he is, Bryan cautiously warned the audience and all fellow comedians that "stealing other people's material will not be tolerated," and to stick it to Shmantonio and see whether or not he had evolved and recognized the error of his ways, Bryan put the plagiarist up first. The weird thing is, neither I nor Bryan nor Billy thought that he had lifted someone else's stuff at the beginning of his set and we had decided "well, he doesn't steal, he's just terrible." Fair enough. We were dicks to assume the worst anyway... or were we? (Hint: We weren't.)

Luckily for us and the audience another comic went up to Bryan and said "I can pull the YouTube clip of Martin Lawrence up right now and show you where he stole this from." This is the point where everyone started to get a little crazy about what was happening, so crazy, in fact, that I actually did very well that night; which doesn't happen as I am terrible. Bryan, again being a gentlemen (though, pissed off and ready to make with the punching should he be pushed enough) went outside to talk to Shmantonio and advise him on what to do in as nice a way as possible. I snuck out with them to eavesdrop and be ready to support my friend should the shit hit the proverbial fan. Bryan didn't out and out ban Shmantonio, but he told him he couldn't come back the following week (which means you really need to pounce on the chance to see the open mic this week before Shmantonio drags his shit cloud back into the building) and needed to write his own material or he wouldn't be welcomed back. Bryan even went so far as to say "you can come back and watch, but you're not going on stage" The conversation was more polite than I thought it was going to be.

But, Shmantonio didn't leave; which would have been the proper response after getting called out on stealing. Shmantonio should have slipped out of the side door quietly with his head down (and walked straight into traffic... I really hate this mother f_cker, by the way) and gone home to think about what he just did, but he didn't; he stayed and decided to be a jackass. I mean, a complete and total jackass who sat in the audience and cackled and basked in the attention like some freak of nature who, due to an evolutionary mishap, didn't have shame or the wherewithal to understand he was goading people into getting increasingly more angry with him.

His whooping and hollering and idiocy lasted the rest of the night. Even as people pointed out, on stage, that he was a thieving bastard who deserved to get pinched rigorously by the ghost of Andre The Giant until the pain was so unbearable he could do nothing but submit to the sweet release of a coma; which he would remain in for years and years until waking up one day to find the world completely bereft of the memory of Martin Lawrence, thus creating the opportunity Shmantonio needed to kill at Boulder (which, by the time he awoke from his pinch induced coma would have been renamed Bryan's House O' Coffee and Jokes). But I digress.

What I came to realize through gritted teeth and angrily clenched buttocks is that Shmantonio very well might be insane, or just painfully stupid, I can't decide and part of me, for a minute, started to feel sorry for him. I started to think "here's a guy who really doesn't have the mental facilities available to him that most of us do. I bet he lives in a group home surrounded by people who have other, similar disabilities, and his only joy is watching Martin Lawrence stand-up specials on VHS when all the other people go to sleep." I thought, "Maybe the only memory he has of his mother or father is of them watching Martin on Fox when he was younger, and this is some twisted idea of a tribute to the quickly fleeting memory of his life the way it used to be." I thought, "Jesus f_cking Christ now I'm going insane. This guy is just a gigantic, sociopathic prick who has no idea what's wrong with what he did and I guarantee he'll come back in two weeks and do the same f_cking thing." Which I dearly hope he does not do, because I am frightened by the possibility of comics getting into an actual fist fight with each other, because it would be the most unintentionally gay fight in the history of fights as most comedians actually developed their humor as a way to avoid getting punched in the face. Except Maslyn.

Looking from the outside, you're probably thinking "what's the big deal?" And you'd be an asshole for thinking that, but not really to blame if you don't do stand-up. There is a common misconception among people that comedians just go up on stage and be funny, that they don't work hard to nail a joke down perfectly or that jokes are just community property that anyone can cherry pick and do on stage if they want to. Nothing is further from the truth. Comics work really f_cking hard on their jokes; which is why when no one laughs it can be crippling, but when they do it's the best feeling in the world. It really is. So when some dickfaced piece of shit waltzes in after putting zero effort into his set, because he just rewatched a DVD a few times and memorized another person's jokes, the stand-up comedians who live for their weekly open mic, and put so much of their self esteem on the line in the process (like myself and others) get pretty upset. And we have every right to be. Those 5-7 minutes mean so freaking much to most of us, and to have someone come in and make it seem like all we do is other people's jokes just isn't tolerated. That's why we get mad. That's why, not some stupid superficial reason. It runs much deeper than that.

I just thought you might want to know.

UPDATE: Shmantonio came back last night to Boulder Coffee Co. in Rochester, NY. Completely disregarding the fact that the host, Bryan J. Ball, was more than nice in saying "take a week off," which meant "do not come back next week expecting to perform," yet he did and he made it awkward and dark, because like the huge pile of dick that he is, he sat right next to the stage and stared at everyone. I did tell him to f_ck off while I was on stage, which is one of my prouder moments, and another comic called him a "joke stealing piece of shit" when Shmantonio was trying to heckle him.

Here's the thing, reader, my fellow comics and I are giving this cretin too much attention and starting this morning I am in no way going to enable his douchebaggery by even acknowledging his existence. I suggest we all do the same.