My Follow Up Interview With God

Reader, quite some time ago I landed an interview with God; which went pretty well to be honest. We covered some pretty confusing stuff, but I think He gave me some great answers (or at least confused me enough to believe he gave me some great answers) that really shed some all knowing light on some subjects that were pretty dimly lit.

Well guess what? His publicist called me the other day "just to check in and see how things are going" and ask "when are we going to do another interview?" I damn near fell out of my chair. Here was God's publicist calling me about a follow up interview with Him! I asked Mary (God's PR representative) "Why me?" She paused, probably trying to figure out how to be as gentle as possible, "He likes you... and you're not important or heavily read enough for this to be controversial, so it's safe." Whatever, I don't care. I get to sit down with the guy who created the universe again and ask him whatever questions I want. What more could a guy like me want? (Answer: more money)

Jim - So it's been almost a year since last we spoke, what's been going on since then?
God - Not much, man. Not much.
J - Really?
G - No, no. (Laughs) I'm God, for Christ's sake. (Laughs) I'm always busy, man. Just the other day I was trying to figure out what to do with this little planet in a corner of the universe that you guys won't discover for another 2,000 years or so; which was fun. It's like Farmville or The Sims, but y'know, reality.
J - Come up with anything good?
G - I think, think, it's going to be populated by creatures that very closely resemble human beings in that I've made the effort to sort of shape it the same way I did with Earth, but nothing is finalized, everything is always changing and shifting and I'm the kind deity that just lets things happen until it gets really out of control.
J - What about Noah?
G - What about Noah?
J - It says in the Bible you flooded the Earth...
G - No, I know what The Bible says, but do you really think I flooded the Earth to prove a point about humanity? Do you really think I would raze entire cities to the ground because they slightly disagreed with me or annoyed me?
J - I guess you would be a pretty shitty God if you did. No offense.
G - Oh, none taken at all. It just gets frustrating after a while, you know?
J - I understand where you're coming from on some level, because if you were the type of God that did something like put dinosaur bones in the ground to test humanity's faith in you, you'd be narcissistic, selfish and kind of a dick.
G - It would be very "look at what I can do! I'm God! Here's a mysterious bone that I want you to scrutinize and, eventually, dismiss as a test of faith, because I'm God and I can do that sort of thing! Now get on your knees and pray for my love."
J - "You think you're better than me? I'm God, damn it! Here's a plague to remind you that I'm the shit."
G - (Laughs) Exactly. I wish people would think more. That's why you all have these marvelous, miraculous brains and not just a head with an I.O.U note stuffed inside it.
J - So we can think and solve problems for ourselves without having to rely on your God-Finger to nudge us in the right direction all the time. We talked about that a little bit in the last interview.
G - I remember, and I've thought about it here and there since then and the only thing I can come up with is that people are so brazenly desperate to know what's going on in the world, to have some idea of whats happening that they use Me as a scapegoat. Which is lazy and offensive because, again, you're wasting this beautiful brain, but it's also a little unsettling.
J - Because they can blame you for, literally, everything that's ever happened ever? Or praise you for, literally, everything that's ever happened ever?
G - Exactly. Just the other day I was eating a burger, sitting on a bench watching the world I created roll on by in front of me, trying to soak it all in and just be, and a Mormon -a kid, 17 years old, named Jeremiah- walks up to me and he's got this backpack on and his little short-sleeved, white button down shirt and clip on tie outfit and he goes, "Can I talk to you for a second?"
J - Christ. How'd that go?
G - How do you think it went?
J - Poorly.
G - Not at all, really, the kid was just confused about what he wanted to believe in because his parents never gave him a chance to figure things out for himself -going back to the home schooling thing we talked about last time- and he's just running through the world without a clue. So after a while of politely listening to him speak to me about Mormonism I interrupted him and said, "How do you know this is what God wants?" He looks me square in the eye and says, "I have faith." I was f_cking floored! I'm sitting right in front of him thinking "Do I tell him? Do I tell him?" And instead of wrecking his entire life I just let it go and said, "keep plugging away," I took his pamphlets and asked if he wanted the rest of my fries; which he did but was too polite to take.
J - It's a strange way to end an argument, you know? "Oh, why is the sky blue?" "God." I mean, fine, believe what you want and yes to some extent the sky is blue because of you, but when the questions go deeper like "Why do bad things happen to good people?" The answer is more complicated than "God is testing their faith," or "It's God's will;" which clearly isn't the case.
G - And it's dangerous, because you can justify anything that way. "Why did you murder your husband Mrs. Smith?" "It was God's will." No it was f_cking not. Mrs. Smith is still going to jail because of what she did, you know? But her husband is dead. Another human being, whom was loved by friends and family, is gone from the world for no reason at all other than Mrs. Smith wanted to murder her husband and the only way she could rationalize that urge was to say it was My will. Which is ridiculous. So, instead of seeking help for her thoughts, what's she do? She just goes with it, never questioning that she may be insane or going through something that requires psychiatric intervention or medication, and it's my fault, because she won't take responsibility.
J - Sounds like you have a thing against crazy people.
G - Oh, no, not at all. My heart cries out for those people. But I can't just reach down and say "you're fixed, you're welcome, see you in church," because I would have to do it for everyone, and I just won't do that.
J - It goes back to you wanting us to think for ourselves and fix things without having this distressing reliance on a God who, excuse me, is basically an absentee landlord, right?
G - Right. Exactly. I did not create mankind so that I could be praised, I created Earth to evolve into something great, something brilliant and it has and it will continue to do so if humans don't blow it up first; which is a very real possibility by the way, and I'll take the heat for that too.