You're Dead To Me: Jersey Shore

"You're Dead To Me..." is a new, recurring feature of "Where the Wild Things Were Last Thursday Around 8" chronicling the Hindenburgesque fall from my good graces of various pop culture icons.

I know, I know. Taking potshots at Jersey Shore at this stage in the game is pretty old hat. It's so easy. So simple. So... something else that would be funny if I had the brain power to think of it right now. See, this is the problem, just thinking about Jersey Shore makes me one tenth more of an idiot than I already am; which is deadly since I'm pretty stupid as is. While I think of where to take this post please look at this picture and gauge your ire accordingly.

Back Row (left to right): Grandpa Face, Pinky, Moose and Derek Jeter
Front Row (left to right): A lady I'm scared of, Dumb, Dumber and Hatchetface

This is tough to admit, but I used to love watching Jersey Shore so much so that I would mend my schedule around it to avoid missing one, soul crushing instance of morbid stupidity. I could not wait for Thursday nights to roll around so I could lavish in the sheer dumbassery taking place in Seaside Heights (which I have been told is a real place and not, in fact, purgatory for the tanned). I would explain my fascination away with the trite, ubiquitous explanation that everyone who is too smart to enjoy Jersey Shore, but does anyway gives, "it's like watching a train wreck!" And to some extent it is. There are body parts strewn about chaotically and there's a good amount of blood left on the boardwalk whenever Ronnie (Moose) goes on a cocaine, steroids and rum fueled bender, but that's about it. The problem is, I've never actually watched a train wreck and can only imagine the metaphor is inappropriate based solely on the fact that, from what I've read on the internet, train wrecks are in no way entertaining and in every way a horrible tragedy.

Being the intellectual sort that I am (he writes while thinking where to place a fart joke in the post later on) I decided it would be in my best interest to stop watching Jersey Shore and start studying the ever loving shit out of Jersey Shore. Off I went into a world where I tried, pathetically, to come up with some logical reason why Grandpa Face (The Situation) and the rest of the home for tortured Italian stereotypes was so captivating not only to myself, but the world.

My findings were less than pleasing. Here is a picture of a kitten for your sanity to hide in while I continue:

Aww.

Turns out, everyone on the show -even Vinny, the lovable scamp- is a gigantic pile of douche with absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. They just are. Seriously. Look at the picture of the cast from earlier in this post and point out one non-douchey thing happening in it. You can't, because these people are soulless douchebots sent from the future to rape our minds with their narcissism, stupidity and three letter acronyms. They have single-handedly turned me off of working out, being in direct sunlight or putting my clothes in the washing machine (I can't even look at the dryer anymore). Having said that, I would like to point out that this does not apply to JWoww, as she scares me more than Ray Lewis riding a T-Rex. (If you ever read this Jenny, and you won't because you probably can't read anything that's more than 140 characters long, please, please do not use your heightened senses to track me down and murder me for sport; that would be very un-Woww.)

This had better not be the last thing I see before I die, or I am so kicking God in the junk.

If I'm in the mood to be fair, and I sort of am, I could blame the entire fiasco on MTV and whatever dickface in a suit over there came up with this idea, but I'm not in the mood to be that fair since the cast obviously cannot get enough of themselves and will never leave our society alone until they punch themselves to death over a hair straightener or some equally dumb object that should not ever be fought over, or the show stops getting millions of viewers every week (fingers crossed for the punch fest to the death). So, really I blame myself and you (mostly you).

To further illuminate why this is all of our collective faults, let's take a person by person look at the cast, shall we? We mother f_cking shall!

Grandpa Face (AKA The Situation) - He has abs that are nice. Just ask him, he'll show you whenever and wherever. At your wife's funeral and need some cheering up? Just whisper "The Situation" five times into a mirror and Grandpa Face will show up and show you his rock solid abs; there may be a high-five involved, but I'm not positive.

JWoww - Just a sincerely wonderful woman that I have nothing bad to say about.

Pinky (DJ Pauly D) - The one with the hair. You know, the hair! Anyway, he is a DJ in Rhode Island; which I guess is a thing.

Snooki - this vacuous shrew is a mix between a troll doll, a half melted barbie doll, some sort of Chilean wildebeest and pure, unsaturated stupidity. She was punched in the face by a guy. Also, she is the "star" of the show. Go figure.

Moose (Ronnie) - Cocaine. Steroids. Bad Decisions. Lots of Rum. Shake. Stir. Serve hot and bothered inside TV sets nationwide.

Sammi - Have you ever looked at someone and known without a shadow of a doubt that they are going to be a downtrodden housewife with love handles and shitty kids in about 10 years whose husband probably beats them and her because he was over shadowed by The Situation when they were on Jersey Shore together? No? Well, meet Sammi.

Vinny - Of the entire cast, Vinny is the most likable. He is still a mesmerizing master of douchebaggery, and his super stereotypical Italian Uncle Nino (or something) makes me hate myself for some reason, but he's not the most terrible person on the show.

Hatchetface (Angelina) - Speaking of the worst person on the show, the self proclaimed "Kim Kardashian of Staten Island" is the worst person on the show. Everything she does bothers me on every imaginable level. Literally. I am metaphysically fuming whenever she opens that miserable hole in her face she thinks is a mouth, but is secretly a portal to hell... and herpes. Mostly herpes.

If you read any of that and thought to yourself, "hey, this show sounds fun," then you haven't been paying attention, and probably can't read anyway, so how are you reading this right now? I could say anything and you'd just giggle and say "look, those squiggly lines on the computer box are trying to tell me something, LOL" and then you'd fart and lay around in your own self loathing until someone, somewhere came to your rescue and got you that job at Denny's your parents wanted you to get because they needed you to move out of the house, because it was embarrassing every time one of their friends came over and they had to explain why their 29 year old son or daughter was still living at home, didn't have a job and watched MTV all day.

If you read the above paragraph and thought, "holy shit, Jim seems especially pissed off today," then you'd be correct and literate; which is a plus and means you have absolutely no reason to watch Jersey Shore ever again. It means that you, like myself, have the cognitive facilities available to you to help make the decision to just stop giving a shit about the antics of the aforementioned horrible people on this show. It's not worth it, and I've already done the leg work for you, my dear, dear reader, so please when you're sitting at home alone Thursday nights with a tub of ice cream balanced on your belly, wondering what to do with your life or what to watch on TV, just put on Mad Men or Breaking Bad or any other show that makes actual damn sense, and stop giving these talentless whores the attention they need to live. Except JWoww, because she will beat the shit out of you.

That is all.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Jersey Shore; which is now dead to me.