It usually hits them when they see this picture of my Dad and I.It's not that I won't talk about it if you bring it up, and I don't hide this fact about my life from the general public because I'm not ashamed of it, but when some people find out they take it upon themselves to be as aggressively intrusive as possible into my personal life and feelings on the subject. So, to dissuade anyone from making me want to punch them in the future because they won't stop asking me questions about things I have no answer for, I'm going to answer the most asked adoption questions right here, right now, for you my beloved reader.
Do you know who your parents are?
Yes, there names are Jim and JoAnn LeChase and they adopted me when I was 3 months old, and they are awesome people that I love very much.
No, we meant, y'know, the parents who had you..biologically?
Oh, you mean the woman whose vagina I came out of and the man who put his penis inside her during sexual intercourse, thus impregnating her? No. I do not know them at all.
Do you know anything about them?
I know they were young (about 18) and did not have an abortion. (Thanks for that, by the way.)
Do you want to meet them some day?
Not at all. I have never had a desire to meet them, nor do I predict my mind will ever change about that subject... unless I need an organ transplant of some kind (probably my liver), at which point I will play the "long lost son" card like it's my job, ingratiate myself into their lives, play to their every emotional weakness and, after a few weeks of this, casually mention at dinner one night (probably at Arby's or some other depressing fast food restaurant that the sperm donor and human incubator that are my biological parents probably think is haute cuisine) that I need a liver. One of them is bound to step up, riddled with guilt at my plight and their lack of involvement in my life, hoping that I will live longer just to get to know them even more. Only to see me check out of the hospital a day early and move to Montana, where I will start a small business that specializes in duping biological parents into giving you, their unwanted spawn, their organs ("Adopt A Liver").
You seem bitter.
I'm not bitter at all, that's exactly what I would do.
Was it difficult growing up, knowing you were adopted?
Uhm, no. My parents were f_cking awesome and did everything they could for me, not to mention they never brought my adoption up, like, ever. It was just not a thing. I was their son, they were my parents and that's how it went until my Mom died 3 years ago. Now my Dad apologizes for my very existence on such a regular basis that I'm starting to suspect my adoption was not his idea. (Kidding... obviously... he's been apologizing for me my entire life)
Is it weird having siblings that weren't adopted too?
Weird? No. I have 3 sisters and have towered over them most of my life and they are all older than me by at least 7 years anyway, so our lives didn't really start to overlap until I was old enough to ask them to sneak me into bars (about 8, 9) at which point we got really close until I was 21 and did not need them anymore. Now I forget most of their names, but I'm pretty sure 1 of them starts with "J" or "L" but it's been so long since we've talked I can't really be sure.
Wer..
I just remembered one of their names, it's Susan.
Great. We were going to ask you if you were ever made fun of for being adopted.
Oh, all the time. Seriously. In grade school once people found out it was like there was a bounty on my head. Whoever could make me cry the hardest would win some ribbon candy, or something, but to be fair I was a giant pussy when I was younger. Aside from being the tallest kid in the entire school between the ages of 6 and 13, I was also the second kid to start reading, the first kid to get into comic books; which did not bode well for me socially. I once burst into tears because someone asked "how's the weather up there?" After I was done pummeling him, I pulled myself together and decided "hey, I really don't need to take this shit anymore. I'm freaking huge compared to these people." And that's when I became a bully.
Really?
No, I was never a physical bully, but I did master sarcasm at a very young age as a way to deflect ever really getting to know anyone or talk about anything of substance. This threw a lot of people off and I started to have a reputation as the "funny one" in class who made teachers laugh and the like, but what they didn't understand was that, for the most part, I truly despised almost all of them. Except my fifth grade teacher, Mr. Kirwin, he was awesome.
Oh, that reminds me, in 6th grade I had 2 teachers that all of my sisters had before me, and on the first day of school one of them introduced me to the class as being "the adopted brother of the LeChase girls;" which was nice. Once I was done pummeling her I thought to myself, "hey, maybe I have too thin a skin." And that's when I became an even bigger pansy than I was prior to becoming a bully.
If you could say one thing to your biological parents, what would it be?
I really can't stress this enough, because it's the only thing I could imagine saying to them that would be earnest and sincere and straight from my heart to theirs with every ounce of feeling that I could muster in that situation; "thanks for not having an abortion."
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